The 411: There are no real celebrities and there's not a lot of love. But it is on an island - at least, as far as I can tell. At regular intervals they pan away to some stock footage of an island from a Bounty advert and that will do for me. They say it's a purpose-built paradise resort on a Fijian beach but it could have been filmed in Center Parcs for all I know.

Celebrity Love Island has all the ingredients of the modern reality TV show - people hanging from the cliff of celebrity by their very fingernails, exotic location and producers praying for controversy and turmoil while defending disappointing viewing figures.

The contestants on the island face public votes to decide who should leave, until only one couple remain to claim the £100,000 prize. The couple voted into the love shack, a private beach home away from the rest of the camp, will have to remain there for 48 hours with only each other for company.

I believe the idea is that they have sexual intercourse or something.

Presenter, Kelly Brook has finally found a role in life as Billy Zane's piece of ass. There is something unfathomably shallow and soulless about her, beautiful in a cheerleader kind of way she nonetheless manages to be heroically unsexy. And Patrick Kielty too has the look of a man whose genitals were removed at birth. Predictably, the chemistry between the two is non-existent.

"Kielty and Brook look as if they're communicating by satellite link, time delay and all."

I don't expect my presenters to be dry humping each other during the ad breaks but Kielty and Brook look as if they're communicating by satellite link, time delay and all.

Callum Best mooches around upholding his father's tradition of serial shagging, champagne and nightclubs. Best is close personal friends with Abi Titmuss, the blowjob queen of Lincolnshire county. She certainly gets around the TV schedules. I half expect her to be fronting Newsnight by the end of the year.

Then there's Lee Sharpe, a one-time promising footballer who now can't give it away, who seems likely to get on with Jayne Middlemiss - the rather lovely children's TV presenter.

"Rebecca Loos - home wrecker and bilingual blowjob queen of Real Madrid."

No desperate reality TV show is complete these days without Rebecca Loos - home wrecker and bilingual blowjob queen of Real Madrid who seeks to distance herself from her image as a vapid slut by appearing on a programme where she will be expected to have sex.

Michael Greco slimes in, best known for his gravel-voiced part in EastEnders and his relationship with human airbag Linsey Dawn McKenzie. And fresh from I'm Not A Celebrity comes Fran Cosgrave, nightclub owner and blowjob queen of Dublin. Girls think he's just great.

Bottom-line? This is very bad television. It's tacky and it's boring. While tacky goes with the territory, boring is unforgivable.Unsurprisingly, it's already lost 2 million viewers from its first airing.

How the hell do you lose 2 million viewers? It's not like a set of car keys or concert tickets. How bad does a show have to get? It's going up against the first few weeks of Big Brother. 1/10 that ends up a massacre.

And who the fuck is Judi Shekoni?

The best thing about it: Talent's not bad.

The worst thing about it: Kielty and Brook lurching through from one badly-written link to another.

The verdict on: Celebrity Love Island: Tawdry mook fest with the clear intent of forever debasing the gene pool.

Marks out of 10: 4