Ah, you wouldn’t want to be a Lost recapper, fella. ‘Tis a thankless task. Even when you remember things correctly they won’t necessarily make any sense. Even when they make sense they are subject to change, compromise, alteration or obliteration. Only Battlestar Galactica matches it for fake-outs, U-turns and general loopiness and Lost is about to go the same way as the sci-fi franchise as this is the sixth and final season. The events that have propelled us here are ludicrously complex and could hardly be distilled into a mere 10 minutes but it’s been the kind of ride you go on in a secret level of Grand Theft Auto – illegal, addictive, sulphate fuelled, life affirming, distressing – loose ends, dead strippers and screaming pedestrians litter the landscape. It’s what TV was made for.
We left the Losties in the middle of a hydrogen bomb blast, the nuke set off by dying Juliet to stop the Oceanic 815 flight crashing into Craphole Island, changing everyone’s destiny forever. Did it work? Yes! Which is to say, No. By which I mean: kind of. What setting the bomb off actually did was create two alternate realities – one in 2004 aboard Oceanic 815, the other in the post-nuke Swan Station in 2007. Great. That’s going to make everything a lot less confusing.
The crazy thing is Dead Juliet survives the point-blank direct nuclear strike. They dig her skanky facelifted ass out. She looks in bad shape but at least she’s alive. Way to go, Jules! Oh wait, she’s dead. Soz Jules! What did they do that for? Setting off the bomb to save the others was a badass death – this mawkish second death is just drippy.
Don’t get telling that to Sawyer though. Homeboy is incredibly miffed at Jack, figuring that the Doc is responsible for Juliet’s death – it being his terrific idea to Nagasaki the Swan Station. That seems pretty unfair to me but Sawyer is always angry about something. And I never really bought him and Juliet. That they just sprung forth as a couple one season with no foreshadowing and continued with no chemistry or visible means of support didn’t help. It’s always been about Sawyer and Kate. Even dead Juliet knew that.
“I never really bought Sawyer and Juliet. They just sprung forth as a couple one season with no foreshadowing and no chemistry or visible means of support.”
Speaking of the dead, Sayid is mortally wounded but it’s not all good news as dead Jacob tells Hurley “take the Haji to the temple – that’ll heal him” which fat boy duly does only to be set upon by some dudes led by some oriental martial arts chode1 They hold him underwater where, to everyone’s surprise, he drowns. Then, a little while later, to no one’s surprise, he’s reborn like Sarah Vaughan. Sayid is all “what happened?” but I reckon it’s Jacob inhabiting his body now to get back at Esau2 for doing the same thing with John Locke then instructing Benjamin to kill Jacob. You remember that whole Jacob-Esau parable from last season don’t you? Sure you do.
Meanwhile, back In 2004 in that OTHER timeline the plane doesn’t crash, Jack loses his father’s coffin, television’s most worthless teed Charlie chokes on heroin condoms in the toilet but being the nine lives nause he is, survives3. Hurley is a tubby bitch, Locke’s back in his wheelchair but can still patronise for the solar system, Kate escapes from her martial, Sawyer prowls and grins, Desmond och ayes his way to the end of Jack’s aisle seat, Sun‘s about to get a rectal probe from customs and Jin pretends not to speak English. Everyone is generally acting like the group of people you’d least like to be stuck on a magical desert island with, y’ken?
“While I’m not crazy about the time travel thread, in Lost I trust. They come through on the big episodes and they get it right more often than not. Craphole Island will prevail. Only lazy TV illiterate shitbirds question its greatness.”
What a mangled web they weave. Can they extricate themselves from it? What storylining sleight of hand will answer all the lingering questions, tie up the loose ends and satisfy their ravenous public? It had better be masterful if they don’t want to be hounded to an early grave by their own fans. I’m backing it to be pretty spectacular. They know what’s at stake and, while I’m not crazy about the time travel thread, in Lost I trust. They come through on the big episodes and they get it right more often than not. Craphole Island will prevail. Only lazy TV illiterate shitbirds question its greatness.
The verdict on Lost Season 6 Premiere: Don’t worry, it’s just getting started.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
Imagined: Friday, February 5 2010