Lost season one review

Lost Season 5 review | Time is like a cock in my heart

Published by jamdog on 27th January, 2009.

Lost Season 5 review

ABC

Remembering what happened in Lost is like trying to recite every line up of The Fall. That way lies madness. There was a plane crash. There were survivors. There was a weird island.  There was a big fuck-off polar bear.  And a smoke monster.  Nothing was what it seemed.  All of which barely scratches the surface of a backstory so labyrinthine and peculiar that it seemed likely to collapse at any time under the bulk weight of loose ends, contradictions, anomalies and fake outs.  But for the most part it’s been brilliant – deftly revealing just enough of the mystery at key emotional high points to keep you involved, dealing with the big questions boldly and with a rakish flair.  As it careers through its fifth season though it feels like it’s treading water again and you know why?  Time.

"Sawyer witnesses the birth of Aaron and the death of Boone (as if anybody gives a figgy pudding about that sister fucking clam. I’d totally forgotten he ever existed – a bit like Eric McGann, Fall bass guitarist, February 1978-May 1978)"

That’s right, bitches – time.  Specifically the travelling through of.  When Ben "moved" the island with that big metal wheel in the Orchid Station he sent it skipping like a stone through timespace and now our heroes who didn’t make it off the island find themselves on a floating TARDIS, arriving at different points in the island’s history.  Sawyer witnesses the birth of Aaron and the death of Boone (as if anybody gives a figgy pudding about that sister fucking clam.  I’d totally forgotten he ever existed – a bit like Eric McGann, Fall bass guitarist, February 1978-May 1978).

“Lost being the kind of show where your worst fears lurk just out of view, it just seems odd that there’s this big gigantic monster made of smoke.”

And Jin is not dead! Not one to let being blown THE FUCK up on a freighter slow him down, he gets caught up in the first time travel flash and arrives in 1988 right about when Danielle Rousseau‘s science team shipwrecked on the island.  So he hangs with the Frenchies for a while and tries in vain to help when the smoke monster puts a brutal smackdown on one of them. 

I’ve always had a few issues with old smoky.  Lost being the kind of show where things are hinted at, where your worst fears lurk just out of view, leaving everything to the imagination, it just seems odd that there’s this big gigantic monster made of smoke and he’s PISSED and pops out once in a while to destroy all in his path.

"Locke attempts to hang himself but is stopped in the act by Ben. Then Ben strangles him to death with the flex he was going to hang himself with and then stages Locke’s suicide (you know, the one he just stopped). Can I get a huh?"

Anyway, off-the-island Jack is trying to persuade the Oceanic Six to get back on-the-island.  But they are all "talk to the Golden Pass, buddy".  Benjamin is trying to persuade them too.  And so is John Locke, only before Jack because Jack wasn’t trying to hear that Craphole Island revisited shit initially.  John got off the island the same way that Ben did, by pushing that wheel which, as we all know, drops you off in Tunisia.  After his initial failure in persuading his buddies back to the island paradise Locke attempts to hang himself but is stopped in the act by Ben.  Then Ben strangles him to death with the flex he was going to hang himself with and then stages Locke’s suicide (you know, the one he just stopped).  Can I get a huh?

“I’m getting a little tired of Juliet’s thrift store fucking facelift and Kate’s freckles and overbite and long for the days of black eyed, big nosed siren Alex.”

Look motherfuckers – I’m all for Lost.  I’m all for the weirdness, the mystery, the big revelations and the never-ending doublecrosses of Ben.  But at the moment the fractured timeline seems to be being used as an excuse to avoid advancing the story. The retroactive continuity is kind of entertaining and I like learning that Charles Widmore grew up on the island and that Rousseau was once a sexually attractive Frenchwoman but really can we just get the fuck on with the war between Widmore and Linus or whoever it will be this season? For real?

And could we get some new island pie?  I’m getting a little tired of Juliet’s thrift store fucking facelift and Kate’s freckles and overbite and long for the days of black eyed, big nosed siren Alex.  You killed her, Lost, though apparently that’s no barrier to longevity on this show.  Why not travel forward in time to the moment she had her first threesome with her lesbian twin who is her own mother? You’ve written stranger.

The best thing about it: Benjamin Linus.

The worst thing about it: They still can’t find anyone who can do a convincing British accent.

The verdict on Lost Season 5: Doing OK but needs to step it up as we enter the mid-game.

Marks out of 10: 7

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