Previously on Line of Duty: coppers convoy went WOOF!, Lindsay went POW! and Georgia went SPLAT! The mystery protected witness is dead and as protected witnesses go being burnt to a crisp then given lethal injection makes him one of the less protected protected witnesses you’ll come across. Georgia’s not looking too hot either, splattered all across the hospital forecourt, pancaked and murdered in the LINE OF DUTY. Steve is beyond distraught that he never got a proper chance to hit that and as he grieves the fresh pumpum loss he is grilled by Detective Chief Pooperintendent Lester Hargreaves of Major Violent Crimes (their mission statement: commit a violent crime and we’ll be a major pain in your balls). He had a chance of some tail stolen from in front of him and these bougie violent crimes people talking ’bout a dead witness? In a way, Steve’s the real victim here.
He had a chance of some tail stolen from in front of him and these bougie violent crimes people talking ’bout a dead witness?
A lot like Squealey having to deal with certain “allegations” from Lorna Barrett the noisy hell hound neighbour she brained. She stonewalls because she’s a pro and that’s the end of it for now. But even that night the noisy music is back on and Squealey pays the chav £10 to turn it the fuck down. It’s the best £10 spent on improving music since you decided to buy the J-Zone album.
So now she can get down to some real police work like trying to make some of those missing persons found persons. That Carly broad seems to have had an older Asian borefriend with a possible connection to the car garage that was a front for the ambush case scrotes. Remember that garage – it will come in useful later.
After Kate gets some more dick off the widower Akers she pops round to Lindsay’s with a bottle of wine. They bond. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to anyone?” Lindsay asks her.
“Someone told a lie to help a dead man’s family and I didn’t stand up for the truth”
“No….” whispers Squealey “you’ve done worse than that”
“OK, OK!” says Kate “I once made my brother wank our border collie off and now he can’t get hard unless there’s dog breath in his face. Happy now, you sick bitch??” Squealey pretends not to hear and sends her away with a flea in her ear.
So when Squealey tells Kate to meet her at the moody car garage saying she’s got a lead on Carly, Kate is understandably suspicious. She’s right to be suspicious. Squealey punches her right in the fanny. Oof!
“Do I look like I was born yesterday?” she bawls. Kate can’t answer because she is preoccupied with a vagina that is throbbing like Jimmy Savile‘s johnson every time Byker Grove came on. Squealey sees Steve Arnott’s number on her phone and knows she’s right – her deputy’s an undercover stool pigeon ratfink. Oh dear, Kate is rumbled. And she has a broken quim which means that the widower Akers won’t be hitting that for a while.
Kate can’t answer because she is preoccupied with a vagina that is throbbing like Jimmy Savile’s johnson every time Byker Grove came on.
So it’s probably not surprising when Ted and the gang drag her in next day to be questioned it is as a suspect rather than a witness. She is arrested for conspiracy to murder a protected witness but does she buckle? Oh quite the opposite. Squealey bats back some bank details at Ted that show that he is in “considerable financial difficulties”. Bloody hell. She’s good.
Then she’s got photos of Steve “visiting” hot nurse witness Clare Tindall. “Were you coaching the witness?” is her question. Yeah, he was giving her a good old coaching alright. She launches a stiff defence criticising the means, motive and opportunity for the crime and she’s pretty damn badass about it. She even goes into Kate’s mobile phone history: “significant people at significant times” she says cryptically. I imagine that would be the phone sex from the widower Akers.
It’s a bravura performance from Squealey and when Ted finally shouts “interview terminated!” it brings to an end one of the most brutal turdings in televisual history. They will be months wiping the cum out of their hair. But as Squealey is led away the witness protection files arrive. The secret protected witness is… a shock. Someone they know? Squealey gets a read on Martin, fear and doubt all over his face. “I’m innocent.” she says “You know I am”. Steve is not minded to disagree.
What on earth?
The verdict: Don’t you wish you were better off, Ted?
Marks out of 10: 8.5