As we join Kingdom we are immediately given a glimpse into the senseless violence of Mixed Martial Arts. In a completely unprovoked attack MMA legend Alvey Kulina (Frank Grillo) fucks up a pair of innocent Latino gentlemen on his morning run. He laughs all the way to the Navy Street Gym, his business, place of work and lifestyle choice. There his business partner, girlfriend and soulmate Lisa (Kiele Sanchez) introduces him to the promo chicks who will be handing out flyers with Alvey’s instantly recognisable face on. I see absolutely nothing going wrong with that. Hold tight to this one Alvey – she’s a keeper.
At the gym Alvey puts his son Nate (Nick Jonas) through his paces. He’s the young buck of the family, “a serious conversation at 155 lbs” with a fight coming up against heavy-handed Clint Walker. It’s important for Nate to focus on the fight but when he goes home he finds his brother Jay (Jonathan Tucker) banging some broad doggy style on his bed while wearing a Native American headdress. This disgusting racist cultural appropriation is the least of his crimes. He’s wearing sunglasses indoors.
It’s already clear that Jay’s the bad seed of the family. He’s turned their respectable house share into a den for attractive young sluts and stoners to party day and night. It’s exactly the wrong environment for a young man. Jay has rage issues over Alvey being a shit dad and turning his mom into a drug menkle with his philandering. Ah no one’s perfect, Jay.
He’s turned their respectable house share into a den for attractive young sluts and stoners to party day and night. It’s exactly the wrong environment for a young man.
Certainly not Ryan Wheeler (Matt Lauria) just out of chokey on parole from a five-year sentence for bashing his dad up. Wheeler has history with the Kulinas. A fine young fighter himself he was engaged to Lisa before Alvey took his imprisonment as an invitation to sneak in and put his cock in her. In a vicious act of sadism Alvey tries to force CS Lewis on Ryan. Despite this insult Ryan agrees to tune up Nate for the Walker fight. It’ll be just like old times except he won’t be putting his cock in Lisa, at least not yet.
It’s going to be tricky making weight as Nate has has to lose 195 lbs in three days. Thankfully Alvey is on the case and has him sweating like Dave Lee Travis at a Lovely Girls contest. Despite being a weight drained corpse and Disney Channel alumnus he wins the fight by beating Walker into a coma in front of his poverty stricken family. Everything is dandy. Even Alvey and Jay seem to be getting on better. An investor called Alison Castro is sniffing around Nate’s jockstrap. She’d like put some equity in it which is just the best news. Not that Alvey sees it that way. Investors mean money and that’s the last thing the gym needs.
Speaking of money difficulties it turns out that Jay is pawning shit to get money for his moms Christina (Joanna Going) who sucks cock for a living down on Figueroa Corridor or wherever it is they suck cock in Los Angeles these days. Greedy bitch takes the whole lot and he doesn’t even get a blowjob. Thanks “mom”.
Oh yeah, remember those innocent Latino gentleman? Well one of them comes across one of Alvey’s Flyers while throatfucking some skank in his car (isn’t that always the way?) It pays to advertise, Lisa. They follow Nate, knock him off his bike and fuck him up good with bad instruments of pain. He had that coming if only for Pizza Girl.
Looks good, this.
The verdict: Win by submission.
Marks out of 10: 7.5