We are very close now to the fiftieth anniversary of the vicious anti-Irish hate crime that was John F. Kennedy‘s assassination in Dallas, Texas. To celebrate Channel 5 proposes an incredible¹ new² theory³ about the killing in JFK’s Secret Killer: The Evidence. They posit that Secret Service agent George Hickey accidentally machine-gunned the president’s head off from behind the limousine while yanking out his automatic rifle to react to Oswald’s first shots. After half a century there is very little new in conspiracy theories relating to the assassination and this is certainly no exception. It’s a rehash of Mortal Error: The Shot That Killed JFK from 1992 which deals with the investigations of ballistics expert Howard Donahue. It certainly gets points for audacity.
And it’s actually right about quite a lot. The Magic Bullet that conspiracy cranks cunt off about is correctly debunked. It is clearly a single bullet that hits Kennedy through the throat and Governor Connally through the tits if you view the position that both men are in when the bullet first strikes and not the position conspiracy rubes wish they were in what passes for their minds.
It is clearly a single bullet that hits Kennedy through the throat and Governor Connally through the tits if you view the position that both men are in when the bullet first strikes
So there’s no CIA, no FBI, no Castro, no LBJ, no Clay Shaw, no mysterious tramps and no cocksmokers on the grassy knoll. Already this theory cuts out around 1500 tonnes of insane horseshit most of the other theories have to carry around in a big wheelbarrow like a man with 10 stone testicles. They don’t have to pretend that Kennedy was some kind of radical rather than the centrist history clearly shows he was. They don’t have to pretend that Kennedy the vehement anti-Communist would sit by while Asia turned red. Nor are they obliged to explain why a murderous right-wing conspiracy killed the commander-in-chief to make way for the most liberal president of the twentieth century.
So in many ways it is the best conspiracy theory out there. And yet it has a man a few yards from the president in full view of everyone machine-gunning the president’s head off and none of the 13 billion eyewitnesses seeing it which, as flaws go, is certainly up there. The conspiracy posited comes in the cover-up afterwards not the preplanning.
George Hickey sued and reached an out-of-court settlement for an undisclosed fee in 1998. Donahue went to his grave a year later wondering why people weren’t paying more attention to his theory. He’s got a point. It has a certain elegance and simplicity. That it’s palpably wrong should never hold it back.
The verdict: LBJ= Let’s Blow Jacksheadthefuckoff.
Marks out of 10: 6
³ Bag of shit