Kay Mellor‘s latest jaunt In The Club finds us among the members of a parentcraft class. We first meet ball breaking businesswoman in her suit and tie Roanna (Hermione Norris). She’s going through a messy divorce, by coincidence with a guy she knows: her ex-husbland. In a completely realistic and representative scene she gives up everything that is rightfully hers in the divorce because she’s just that reasonable. Her nausey new borefriend and baby daddy Simon (Luke Thompson) is a younger dickless liberal piece of shit “artist” with no pot to piss in. Remember: women regularly walk away from £3 million that they deserve all the time. Divorce is in no way an immoral and unconscionable shakedown of men perpetrated by scumcunt lawyers. No.
There’s also housefrau Diane (Jill Halfpenny) and her unemployable husbland Rick (Will Mellor). Doctors told her that her giblets were fucked and that she had about as much chance of conceiving a child as a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius has of conceiving of a successful Valentine’s Day. And yet now she’s carrying twins who will be joining their already adopted son and daughter. Rick has neglected to mention that he got made redundant 5 months hence, is running up thousands of pounds of debt and is currently less employable than Max Clifford.
Diane had about as much chance of conceiving a child as a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius has of conceiving of a successful Valentine’s Day.
All of which leaves Rick no option but to rob a bank – a heist so inept it makes Winona Ryder‘s Beverly Hills thieving spree looks like the Brink’s-MAT Robbery. And now he’s on the run. There’s some really unbearable Boys from the Blackstuff bollocks between the pair of them. They’d better knock that on the head if they want me to keep watching.
Then there’s Kim (Katherine Parkinson) a teaching assistant who writes a pregnancy blog and cohabits with her other half Susie (Sara Fitzgerald). Neil (Jonathan Kerrigan) is the ladies’ sperm donor and their teenage son Jude‘s father. As that isn’t complicated enough for them Kim and Neil seem to have thing a going on behind Susie’s back. Lesbians! Every time.
Kim is also a teaching assistant at the school where 15-year-old Rosie (Hannah Midgley) keeps her baby a secret even from herself. Rosie can’t get enough of Kim’s blog although Kim doesn’t know her mysterious 15-year-old correspondent is to begin with. Jailbait Ginger’s life is a sad plinky piano music montage of comfort eating, school bullies, dead mams and increased risk of skin cancer due to her genetic trash redhead heritage.
With an eye for the dramatic Jailbait turns up at the parentcraft class with her waters broken screaming like a loon. ParentCRAPPED more like. ¹
There’s also a newlywed couplescum you really don’t need to know about. This looks pretty dull.
The verdict: Duff.
Marks out of 10: 6
¹ Fuck you.