As the 5th season of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here lurches into view, you "people" still seem to be under the illusion that reality TV is a bad thing in some way when, of course, it’s not. It’s one of those things that says more about the viewer than the object. Reality TV is made by fools and watched by the intelligentsia.
"Reality tv is made by fools and watched by the intelligentsia.."
It’s watched by a bunch of morons too but what are you going to do? Morons like Germaine Greer who condemned reality TV in the way people with too much time in their hands often do and then turned up like a bad penny for Celebrity Big Brother. She quickly quit the show citing bullying, the fraudulent turd, when it was really because got miffed when Brigitte Nielsen became Queen of All Things Domestic. Don’t listen to none of that ole shit.
"Antony Costa: confused bloodhound watching rapt as a fly buzzes around his kennel. "
IACGMOOH (as all the cool kids are calling it) has marginally more pull than the average TV show when it comes to attracting the celebs. But it’s all relative – none of this year’s crop of contestants have to employ bodyguards if you know what I’m saying.
Antony Costa: Confused bloodhound watching rapt as a fly buzzes around his kennel. The only member of Blue not to have a solo deal, Anthony wants to change how he is perceived by the public. Being perceived by the public at all would be a good start.
Elaine Lordan: About as close to death as it’s possible to be without rigor mortis, Elaine lasted four hours in t’jungle after spazzing out in a series of increasingly grotesque mong fests. Remarkable.
"Elaine lasted four hours in t’jungle before spazzing out in a series of increasingly grotesque mong fests."
Jimmy Osmond: No longer little but still an Osmond, Jimmy has that mesmerising creepiness you expect from a 45 year-old Mormon. Misses his mam.
Carol Thatcher: The writer, broadcaster and Spawn Of Thatch has proved a big hit with the viewers by being pleasant, no-nonsense and eating a kangaroo’s scrotum. Current favourite to win.
Sid Owen: Gurning monkey, popular with the populace. A professional actor who claims never to have read a complete script the offers of work have not flooded in since EastEnders.
"Sid Owen: Gurning monkey, popular with the populace."
Kimberley Davies: Hard-nosed, soulless actressoid who may be going through some marital difficulties. May also be suing the show’s producers after busting a rib when they threw her out of a helicopter. The nerve.
Jenny Frost: The former Atomic Kitten is as common as they come. Hopes to repeat the success of fellow Kitten Kerry McFadden. Maybe she, too, will appear in dreadful Iceland commercials two years down-the-line? You gotta live the dream.
Sheree Murphy: Her Emmerdale character was the punchline to "what do you call a girl with a chimney on her head?" jokes for weeks . Her girl-next-door looks have snared Robbie Williams and overpaid, under-achieving shitbag Harry Kewell.
Sheree looks to have overplayed her hand of overcoming her fears – we suspect her greatest fear is never working again; one she may be facing up to sooner than she anticipated when they kick her sorry football groupie ass out of there
"We suspect her greatest fear is never working again; one she may be facing up to sooner than she anticipated."
Jilly Goolden: Determined not to be seen as snobby, she was and quickly got given the finger but not before she had eaten a kangaroo’s cock. We’re all tremendously proud.
David Dickinson: Rancid leathery carcass of an antiques bore. Turded around getting on everyone’s nerves then turded off.
Series five has started slowly. There’s been no defining bust-ups or sexual tension. The early highlights were Carol Thatcher taking a piss inside the camp and David Dickinson shaving his knackers to remove ticks. I’m not buying the DVD on the strength of that.
"The punchlines may be telegraphed but it never seems to matter – their stupidity is infectious."
It often drags its feet and there’s rarely enough action in a day to fill up the hour-long nightly programme. But Ant and Dec keep it moving with their fourth-form antics. The punchlines may be telegraphed but it never seems to matter – their stupidity is infectious.
With reality TV presenters it should feel like they’re watching the show with you and the boys totally get this – they have a sly way of undermining the celebs that rarely misses. They never go native to the format, they’re just popping in to laugh at the squares. And they both still look and act like they’re 12 years old – it’s the secret of their success.
Despite the fact that introducing new contestants never, ever works the producers parachuted in Cannon and Ball, the excruciating double act from the days when variety ruled television and laughs were very thin on the ground.
"A moment of unintentional hilarity occurred when a Bobby Ball anecdote rendered the assembled celebs speechless with its stupefying banality."
They were bad at their peak but they’re worse now. A moment of unintentional hilarity occurred when a Bobby Ball anecdote rendered the assembled celebs speechless with its stupefying banality. TV used to be like this all the time, one fuck awful double-act following another – perhaps the producers are implicitly saying "do you want a return to this?"
"For all its faults I’m A Celebrity still engages you on some twisted voyeuristic level."
Hell no, pappy. For all its faults I’m A Celebrity still engages you on some twisted voyeuristic level. It’s the unravelling of the characters and how the interactions in the social dynamic play out that fascinates.
The contestants may only be marginally more famous than Laura "A-levels controversy" Spence but when they are stripped down to their last vestiges of humanity that’s when you find out who they really are: more or less harmless attention-seeking turds.
Isn’t that worth fighting for?
The best thing about it: PJ and Duncan; still in work after all these years
The worst thing about it: Canon and fricking Ball for the love of God.
The verdict on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here: They’re living fat.
Marks out of 10: 7