Horizon: Sugar v Fat says obesity epidemic¹, I say nationwide abdication of responsibility. Take a look around you. Have you ever seen so many fat tubs of shit in your life? Aren’t they disgusting? Don’t you want to murder each and every one of them? Imagine being inside their heads as they think about fat shaming and body positive and how #fatmicroaggressions are a bit like the Holocaust. Ponder upon that for a minute. That level of entitlement, delusion and narcissism. Aren’t you glad you’re not one of them? Maybe you are one of them? In which case GTFOff my website and return when you learn some manners you filthy hog.
Maybe you are one of them? In which case GTFOff my website and return when you learn some manners you filthy hog.
Perhaps the hottest topic in the Hog Chronicles currently is fat vs sugar: which is worse for you? Twin Doctors Chris and Xand Van Tulleken undertake a moderately interesting experiment. Chris goes on a high-sugar low-fat diet for a month while Xand tries his luck with high-fat low-sugar. The Men Who Made Us Fat shone a light on the scumcunts of the sugar lobby, and who doesn’t know about the evils of fatty food? So let’s see how much heart disease, cancer and diabetes we can give these two fucks.
As the effects of their diet kick in visiting scientists eff with them for kicks. They are forced at gunpoint to become stock traders for a day to test their shit brains. Fat Xand is short of glucose which makes cognition difficult but Sugar Chris has no such worries. He outdoes his brother, making more money on the paper trades they’ve set up on their stupid computers.
They are forced at gunpoint to become stock traders for a day to test their shit brains.
So sugar KO1 fat? Not so fast, Poindexter. Another science prankster conducts a hunger experiment on the two. Both Sugar Chris and Fat Xand are invited to eat until they drop from a buffet of their chosen foodstuff. Fat Xand consumes 825 calories before he collapses but Sugar Chris is only satiated after a whopping 1250 calories. Fat is better at keeping hunger at bay, quite possibly because there’s at least some protein in there regulating the hunger hormone ghrelin. It’s neck and neck going into the finishing straight.
Both boys look like they could do with a tonic and it’s a relief when they get to the end of the month and the results are in. Sugar Chris has actually lost one kilogram and Fat Xand does even better coming in four kilograms lighter than he was to begin with. They shouldn’t start sucking each other’s dicks just yet though as Fat Xand has lost two kilograms of muscle mass and just one kilogram of fat (along with one kilogram of water).
It gets worse. Fat Xand’s cheeseburger in butter sauce diet has fucked up his body’s response to insulin and he’s two clicks away from diabetes. He’ll get AIDS too – if he shares needles. No wonder he looks miserable.
Fat Xand’s two clicks away from diabetes. He’ll get AIDS too – if he shares needles. No wonder he looks miserable.
But once that scientifically worthless experiment is over the two look at studies that are actually of consequence. Long-running studies of thousands of people over years show that it’s the combination of fat and sugar in things like ice cream, glazed doughnuts and nougat with cherry sprinkles on that merks the tubs. Our bodies have an off-switch for both fat and sugar cravings in isolation but in combination? It’s moider.
As the combination doesn’t generally appear in nature we didn’t evolve with any need for a regulation system for it. So the processed eugenics of the food industry play havoc with our feelgood hedonic systems, leaving us strung out like a trailer full of crankheads. Checkmate, fatties.
So now we’ve ended that discussion there’s really only one thing left to say. Sort your lives out you fad-dieting tubs. You’re a disgrace to humanity.
The verdict: I want a little sugar in my bowl.
Marks out of 10: 7
¹ It never says this. Fuck you – they’re thinking it.