Body Shock: Half Ton Man
The Western world is slowly coming around to the truth that it’s not OK to be fat. It’s OK to be judgmental. It’s OK to make a moral judgment on somebody being a slob. It’s OK to point out to Coleen Nolan that having a child wasn’t the cause of her putting on 45 stone, it was all those pizzas she done ate. What a relief that the world is finally coming around to my way of thinking.
Not that you’d know it from watching Body Shock: Half Ton Man which followed the biggest tub of guts on the planet Patrick Deuel in his struggle to shift some lard. Weighing in at 76 stone, Patrick hasn’t quite made the link between him shovelling a load of shit into his mouth every day and his weight. In fact, he refuses to acknowledge that he eats more than a normal person. It’s all genetics, he says.
"Their marriage has never been consummated which, again, is a good fucking job as I don’t see wifey surviving a porking from Jabba the Gut."
Amazingly, Patrick has a wife – a dumpy little flagcracker who was not sexually attractive and therefore has no name. She says she only sees him from the shoulders up which is a good fucking job but she must wonder why the floorboards in their bungalow keep collapsing. Their marriage has never been consummated which, again, is a good fucking job as I don’t see wifey surviving a porking from Jabba the Gut.
Wifey is asked how fat boy got to this stage, given that he hasn’t left the house in 10 years. Who could possibly have been feeding him, getting all the high-fat sugary food into his repulsive face? Well, that would be wifey of course. Couldn’t she have said no to his requests?
“If you think your expectations of life are low just be thankful you’re not the shit-wiping tubby fucker from Nebraska.”
"The best way to alienate me is to refuse me something" interjects Patrick ominously. It seems that Patrick is just a controlling, fat bastard who sits like a termite queen getting pumped full of calories by his lone worker termite although the only eggs he’s laying are big long brown ones made of poo. Can you imagine tending to his toilet needs? With his ten-year immobility and strict stodge diet I’m sure constipation is an issue so when those movements come it’s about 70 lbs of brown concrete that needs shifting – and it’s been several years since he wiped his own arse.
There aren’t marital vows invented strong enough to cover this stuff yet still she stays, the loyal doormat looking forward, she insists, to the first time he bones her. If you think your expectations of life are low just be thankful you’re not the shit-wiping tubby fucker from Nebraska.
"He was living, walking proof that morbid obesity was not a life sentence provided that you stopped being morbidly obese."
We are also introduced to Michael Hebranko, a Brooklyn native who achieved the incredible feat of losing 50 stone in a period of ferocious dieting. This made him a worldwide celebrity and appearances on chat shows and weight busting seminars followed. He was living, walking proof that morbid obesity was not a life sentence provided that you stopped being morbidly obese. He even became spokesman for American slimming cheeseball Richard Simmons.
And then he put it all back on.
That’s right, all 50 stone. And more. Right until the point he had to be forklifted out of his house through a demolished wall.
That’s about as far as a weight-loss hero can fall.
“‘I know I’ve been through hell’. You’ve been through a lot of pies, Michael, that’s not the same thing.”
He likes to moan a lot now, Michael, in between mouthfuls of pizza and slurps of lard with sugar. "When I die I know I’m going to heaven because I know I’ve been through hell. You’ve been through a lot of pies, Michael, that’s not the same thing (although if you’ve ever tried Farm Foods economy steak-and-kidney pie you may disagree).
The question is raised – is this just greed? There’s no doubt that with most fat people it is but there does appear to be a genetic component in appetite regulation. So, it seems reasonable that there are some people for whom the usual dieting advice is simply not going to work.
But we’re never going to get slim without tackling our culture of addictive fatty foods and slovenly indolence and challenging the culture of entitlement that exists throughout the Western world. And irresponsible shitbags like Dawn French promoting obesity like it’s some kind of human rights issue aren’t helping one bit.
The best thing about it: The voyeuristic appeal of watching human blancmange.
The worst thing about it: Whining fatties
The verdict on Body Shock: Half Ton Man : All these fat documentaries are merging into one big glutinous ball.
Marks out of 10: 6