Ambassadors episode 2 review

Going Cold Turkey review

Published by jamdog on 4th February, 2006.

 Going Cold Turkey review

Going Cold Turkey

Channel 4

A group of smackheads shaking and vomiting on the TV. Yes, I sure am looking forward to the Elastica reunion tour next week. But for now, I have to make do with the totally valid and not at all exploitative reality TV show Going Cold Turkey or Let’s All Laugh At Dope Fiends as, I’m privately assured, Channel 4 producers refer to it.

"If you were the kind of person who cared about this type of thing I’d bet you’d be finding it harrowing."

While the rest of TV are ransacking Brass Eye for their satire output, it’s becoming increasingly clear that Channel 4 are using it as inspiration for serious programming. The show has a dubious educational angle – showing the corrosive nature of heroin on the bodies and minds of our heroes. They figure that having a national audience for their trauma will at least provide an extra motivation to succeed.

“Sometimes, I wish you’d all fuck off to The Futon Critic or some other sack of shit who can’t write properly.”

Crying, vomiting and diarrhoea. Lives wrecked, minds irrevocably damaged. If you were the kind of person who cared about this type of thing, I’d bet you’d be finding it harrowing

But you’re not. You’re reading Aerial Telly which means you’re sub-human filth who revel in the misery of others. You "people" make me sick. Sometimes, I wish you’d all fuck off to The Futon Critic or some other sack of shit who can’t write properly. 5000 unique visitors a day and every one of you a fucking cunt.

Sorry about that. I think it’s the drugs talking.

But I know what you’re thinking. "I’ve seen Trainspotting – I know what goes on. Crying, vomiting and diarrhoea then a wee baby crawls across the ceiling. Looks a piece of piss to me". And for all I know, you’re right.

"Even if you’re sceptical about some of the more florid claims you’ll accept that there are better ways to spend a week."

Descriptions of heroin withdrawal range from "bad flu" to "living hell" or even "watching a Davina McCall interview wtih Kathy Lette". Even if you’re sceptical about some of the more florid claims you’ll accept that there are better ways to spend a week.

The dramatisations of heroin use with a Liam Gallagher lookalike showing exactly how to find a vein to shoot into in case the kids at home were thinking of trying it seemed excessively helpful. I try virtually everything I see on TV and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Wayward, Channel 4, wayward.

“A stockbroker’s daughter turning up blue in a bedsit after turning herself into a human pincushion got everyone talking about The Skag.”

I remember when smack was the default subject of all TV drama during the heroin panic of the 1980s. Even Grange Hill got in on the act. In the same way that The Aids got everyone talking about johnnies and the sex they call safe, a stockbroker’s daughter turning up blue in a bedsit after turning herself into a human pincushion got everyone talking about The Skag.

Soon parents knew more than their kids about "the shit" and enforced curfews and punishment beatings on their offspring for minor infractions of house law. A zero-tolerance policy embraced by all but the most wishy of washies.

Ecstasy was the darling of the drug scrote for all of the Nineties marginalising the Horse. The Dandy Warhols even mocked the junkie vermin as they sang "heroin is so passe". But as with cancer form is temporary but class is permanent.

That Ecstasy shit was just a brief faddy flirtation. From Confessions Of An Opium Eater through to Perfect Day heroin really gets its hooks into a culture and makes its impact.

"Nothing turns you into a shit stained, cum guzzling monster who’ll fuck over his own mother for a fix like heroin."

That’s what it all boils down to. That one little poppy plant could have so much power. A kiss on the hand may be quite continental but nothing turns you into a shit stained, cum guzzling monster who’ll fuck over his own mother for a fix like heroin.

The best thing about it: Heroin is back – and its pissed.

The worst thing about it: The 24 hour pukeathon.

The verdict on Going Cold Turkey : Fairly pointless voyeurism.

Marks out of 10: 6

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