As King Joffrey of House Baratheon, House Lannister and House of Fraser spluttered his last poisoned breath, his waspish face turning a dark lavender, blood streaming from every orifice, making the kind of faces a man who has just got his johnson fatally caught in his zipper while simultaneously receiving the news that Beth Ditto would be lezzing off with Lena Dunham in the episode of Girls he was watching, he might well have pondered a life well lived. It wouldn’t be his of course, that being a rotten careering train wreck of stupidity and cruelty, the life of a toxic incest made runt that should have been snuffed the moment he exited his mother’s snatch. Rather the life of the last man he saw, his uncle Tyrion Lannister. With his putative father at war or on the piss and his biological father necessarily distant the young Joffrey lacked a strong male role model and it’s too bad for everyone that his uncle was not put forward. The Imp has his flaws but the devotee of the God of Tits and Wine could have imparted some humility, empathy, even wisdom upon the little shit. Instead we got this clusterfuck. A king no more fit to rule than Cornholeius Bumrage is to call himself a professional prizefighter.
The life of a toxic incest made runt that should have been snuffed the moment he escaped his mother’s snatch
I blame the mother. She ruined that boy. And has anyone been more proud of the monster they created than Cersei as he rolled out his grotesque War of the Five Kings pantomime and repeatedly humiliated Uncle Tyrion? We all know what comes after pride but it’s Tyrion who’ll be taking the fall. Cersei’s decided it was he who slipped the poison in Joffrey’s wine and in case you hadn’t noticed Westeros is not big on due process.
It could be worse though. He could be Theon Greyjoy – dickless, flayed and broken – in the hands of Ramsay Snow a man who, even in the competitive market of the seven kingdoms, stands out as a singularly inventive sadist. Ramsay’s pa dukes Roose Bolton sends his thug Locke to find and snuff Bran and Rickon Stark and given that he gave no specific instructions to NOT chop their cocks off first he’ll probably be taking the opportunity to do that. Monkey see, monkey do.
Over in Dragonstone that red hippy chick is torching dudes like her name was Squealey Nause and beyond the Wall Bran is worging like a motherfucker. Looks like that three-eyed raven is going to be earning his money this season. About time, the nausey squawking bastard.
The verdict: Mock the Reek.
Marks out of 10: 8.5