As we roar into the series finale usually mild-mannered Pops puts his dead twat of a son on lockdown before his return back to Norfolk and not before time. Always one to fuck up a perfectly functioning situation Thick Gary breaks in and discovers the Blue Oblivion Kieren trousered at Hymen‘s. Kieren’s dog-ate-my-homework excuses don’t wash with Gaz and to teach him a lesson he forces the Blue Oblivion down his hole and turns him loose into the wild. Well, into a field so some cunt can kill him at the appropriate juncture. Yeah, nice one – he won’t be doing that again! Elsewhere in the Newbury household Hot Jem the tard has lasted for 48 hours without publicly pissing herself so she’s raring to go for Beat the Bounds where they walk along the perimeter fence bashing drums like Lindsey Buckingham bashed Carol Ann Harris during their long turd relationshit. It’s a deeply moving scene. The march comes upon the cemetery where Hymen’s disciples block their admission. Tardy Jem hears from Gary about feral Kieren and Jem goes to take him out. His dad stops her and talks him out of his feral state impressively. Some old bitch shoots Hymen as he runs to protect him. But, chill, he’s fine and there is no second rising.
Which is a bummer for Racist Max who apparently has been waiting for her little brother to rise from his grave. As far as she’s concerned it was Amy was the First Risen all along and the moment Amy’s heart starts beating Racist Max comes along and stabs her right through it. Philip the council cocksucker looks on helpless as the last chance he had of getting laid in the next 10 years loses a pint of blood a minute.
As he tends to the goth nause Racist Max hotfoots it to the church hall to deliver a message of hope for everyone. She tells the assembled mob that she had this little brother she killed by “accident” and now, if it’s all right with them, she wants to bring forth another zombie apocalypse so she can feel better about herself. This change in policy doesn’t go down well. For starters, knifing Amy hasn’t even raised so much as a beetle. Her solution? Kill all PDS sufferers King Herod style like her name was Spartacus. All that shit talking gets her tasered and hopefully thrown in the nuthouse. Crazy racist.
She did one good thing though – killed Nausey Amy. Amy explicitly stipulated that her funeral should be a celebration and that’s good because it was going to be one anyway because everyone’s delighted she’s finally dead. “Amy Dyer – what a cunt” runs the consensus which seems a bit harsh it’s hard to argue with it.
Later Hot Jem confesses to killing the little ginger freak and Kieren is sympathetic. “It’s OK Jem” he says “He was ginger”. She instantly feels better. With a couple of decades more study she’ll pass GCSE General Studies and get a job shovelling shit out of cuckoo clocks.
Kieren for his part is starting to feel a lot more human again. Maybe he’s the second First Risen after all? I look forward to the day when I give enough of a shit to have an opinion on that.
Once the council cocksucker gets his arse off Amy’s grave two bozos in hazmat suits dig up her corpse up for science. I imagine this will be back at some point.
The verdict: Amy DYINGhouse.¹
Marks out of 10: 7