It looks like Clown College is back from summer recess early as Tom Harrington begins his pitch by struggling to exit a lift for 45 minutes stymied by his estate agent board and his general lack of coordination. “Fucking Mister Bean over here” says Devourer Medung when he finally enters puffing and blowing like Rolf Harris at a Year 6 beauty pageant. Tom recovers to pitch his online estate agent Wesell.co.uk. Wesmell’s USP is that they are pay-per-view. So what is poo-per-blew, Histor? You only pay for the viewings your property gets and the familiar bullshit admin fees. While everyone agrees that the property racket is changing Peeturd Blownes doesn’t believe it is changing in this particular direction and he gets hella pissy because out of 130,000,000 listings Tom’s webshite has only actually sold a £15K lock-up in Dagenham. It is a bit of a flaw.
“You’re not interested in the backend” challenges Smelly Ploppen. “I’m rather interested in your backend!” Tom fires back and is met with a curly haired Mount Rushmore. He’s struggling now. Jock McSlasher bravely defends Tom with “it’s no that bad ya doss cunts” but he’s not parting with a penny either and Tom GTFO potless.
“Fucking Mister Bean over here” says Devourer Medung when he finally enters puffing and blowing like Rolf Harris at a Year 6 beauty pageant.
Next up are Philip Perera & Omar Farag whose loose leaf Phom Teas come in flavours as diverse as Strawberry & Kiwi, Cherry & Almond and Gonorrhoea & Doxycycline. Smelly loves this hippie bullshit so she lobs them £50,000 to crank out this disgusting stinky shit, something they are only too happy to do.
Bounding in with the kind of non-infectious enthusiasm that defines his kind Akeem Ojuko can’t wait to tell the Dragons about The Wild Peanut, his range of flavoured peanut butters. Apart from looking and acting mentally ill Purple Akeem is the kind of person who says “no pun intended” as if anybody gave a fuck. His runny man butter is a big hit with his psychiatrist, street food wankers and his mom but his balance sheet is as fucked as a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who says “Russian roulette, Stumpy? Never heard of it – can I play?” and they shoo him off like the grinning tard he is.
His runny man butter is a big hit with his psychiatrist, street food wankers and his mom
Perhaps Victor’s Drinks will fare better? Ralph Broadbent and Alex Dixon introduce their instant mashed potato cider in a box for people who want to make their own cider but DON’T actually want to make their own cider but rather want to pour some water into a bottle and have it magically transform into some cider.
It seems dicey as all hell but Jock started out selling meth to tramps in Govan and £40,000 gets him 25% in the hugely irresponsible problem drinking stoking operation. Peeturd needs a stiff drink but unfortunately all that is available is this pish in a box. Vas even ist life?
The verdict: Suicider tendencies.
Marks out of 10: 7.5