As we begin Bollywood dancers usher in serial
killer entrepreneur Tej Randeva. He has some kind of nervous breakdown while pitching his fledgeling engine fast-food concept Spice 2 Go and the signs look bleak from the off. Currently our boy has two Indian takeouts in Wales – both running at a loss – and he now wants to roll out the loss-making blueprint nationwide to take on the Asian might of Birmingham, Bradford and Londung. Devourer is all “seriously, son?” and Smelly tells him to literally “wake up and smell the curry”. Even better is to come. Under questioning from Peeturd Blownes he reveals that he has sunk in £1 million of his own cash. After all, his other businesses made money, so why not this one? The Dragons can think of about 1 million reasons why and they club Tej unconscious before dumping him back in the lift.
Daniel Valdur Eha and Matthew Cockroft then arrive flogging Pure Pet Food – premium dog slop aimed at the lonely rich. For some reason the Dragon slide off their chairs for this pair and an unsightly catfight breaks out between Devourer and Smelly for their affections. The terrified boys back out of the Den with no investment shouting “we think of you more as friends!” The girls crack open a bottle of gin and bellyache about how it was a shitty business anyway.
Aa unsightly catfight breaks out between Devourer and Smelly for their affections. The terrified boys back out of the Den with no investment shouting “we think of you more as friends!”
Hot on their tails are Johnny Shimmin and Annie Morris flogging high-end fruit granola to bastards. Spoon is the name and once the deathly dull stuff about the business prospects is out of the way Pies gets to the real meat and asks the nature of their personal relationship. Is Johnny is fucking the polyholer Annie? Turns out he’s not but he is fucking her sister who I assume is his girlfriend or whatever? The prospect of Johnny not having considered an incest threesome is about as remote as a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius making it to the end of February 15th with only the three holes God gave her. Devourer and Peeturd double up to take them on and Johnny and Annie exit with £50,000 of their cash.
The final victims are Asi and David whose Lost My Name personalised children’s books are flying off the shelves faster than Evander Holyfield flies out of the immediate area when a girl holding onto a pushchair shows up. Pies definitely wants a piece of that action and a 5% stake sets him back a trifling £100,000, approximately what he paid in tax in the last 30 seconds. These people.
The verdict: Bhuna eclipse.
Marks out of 10: 7.5