Dragons' Den series 12 episode one review

Dragons’ Den UK series 12 episode 1 review | Swing Patrol

Published by jamdog on 1st August, 2014.

Swing Patrol review

Like an unstoppable runaway train with no driver, no passengers on a cargo of 17 metric tons of shit doing laps of a circular track Dragons’ Den is back. First up is banker turned swing dancer Scott Cupit. Swing dancing cocksmokers Lindy Hop their way into the Den busting moves aplenty to introduce his Swing Patrol dancing classes – the biggest swing school in the world. All the Dragons are quickly up dancing with them and it takes Jock McSlasher right back to his time in the Glasgow dance halls maiming men for life for looking at his bird. Something approaching a smile passes across his stony face as he reminisces. He makes Scott an offer he can’t refuse – an offer Scott probably refuses in favour of Devourer, a woman for who remembers swing the first time around. Jock is pissed, yo. Nobody better fuck with him for a while.

Enter John and Claire Brumby from fish reeking Humberside fuckpit Grimsby. Their low-fat Scrubby’s Vegetable Crisps boast listings in such high-class swanky outfits as Harrod’s and Fortnum & Mason. And it’s not like the crisps are shite or anything but John and Claire are in debt up to their tits and loan sharks with vegetable coshes stalk their every move. “You’re broke” Peeturd reminds them as Claire lip wobbles and sobs silently. After getting the unanimous GTFO John and Claire walk off to commit suicide. “Leave the crisps” says Pies. It’s a good 20 minutes before the Dragon stop grazing on carbonised beetroot, sweet potato and parsnip.

After getting the unanimous GTFO John and Claire walk off to commit suicide. “Leave the crisps” says Pies.

Jennifer Duthie then impresses with her Skribbies – kids’ shoes you can draw on. Her switched on engaging pitch wins over Pies and Smelly who financially copulate to the tune of £60,000 and the deal is done.

After a brief break for Smelly to ride an innocent old couple’s radiator covers into the ground we reach Camden fuck knuckles Joe Kenyon and Jake Hayman whose Frame Again digital photo framing service really is the last word in things that are already available elsewhere cheaper and better. Nice idea, shitty design says Smelly who’s really pulling rank this week. Jock confirms the general feeling “they’re quite ugly although not as ugly as my last divorce.

The boys already know the answer before it’s delivered and it’s a long segue ride back to Camden from here.

The verdict: Frame costs. and right here’s when you start paying. £21 specifically. That’s really taking the piss.

Marks out of 10: 7.5

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Dragons' Den UK series 12 episode 1
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