On this week’s Dragons’ Den we get the incredible mindbending concept of the duvet MADE OF WOOL. This insane piece of left-field thinking comes from Roger Payne and his wife Lesley. They call it a Baavet and understandably demand £130,000 for 15% equity in their revolution. Smelly Ploppen worries about the problems of converting sheeple to their brave new world. Nonetheless they get a joint offer from Peeturd Blownes and Jock McSlasher who both want £65000 for 25% each. After this sickening undervaluation of their business Roger and Lesley realise they have stepped into a den full of losers whose mental chains will never allow them to make any money. They turn down the derisory offer shouting “come see us in our mansion in a years’ time!”
Next up is the Towbag, a collapsible trailer that looks like the product of some mental health art therapy project. Husbland and wife team Peter and Claire Lomas are behind the Toerag and seem to be inordinately pleased that it takes just five minutes to fold up. That’s five minutes you could spend not having one because, as Devourer Medung and Peeturd point out, no one ever uses their trailers and if they do need one they’ll borrow someone else’s. The Toerag gets the boot and the Dragons are losing their patience.
The Towbag, takes just five minutes to fold up. That’s five minutes you could spend not having one.
But who’s this handsome gentleman? It’s Ghanaian entrepreneur Benjamin Mougarbel, owner and face of Benjamin’s Hot Chocolate Ltd – an in-the-cup product like Pot Noodle. Open a Factory in Ghana he suggests – come for the surprising lack of civil strife and child soldiers, stay for the tax incentives. “Would you like to taste Benjamin’s Hot Chocolate?” he asks. You filthy beast. Yes, yes we would.
As they sup on Benjamin’s chocolate a health-conscious Smelly notes that 362 calories per cup is fucking nuts and he is hard pushed to disagree. He claims he’s secured over £400,000 in orders. “Is that in the bank?” asks Peeturd Blownes. Well of course it is Peeturd – he’s not Nigerian you filthy racist. “Not yet” replies Benjamin. Oh.
Benjamin hands him letters of intent. Unfortunately for him Peeturd reads them and one simply says “yeah mate, we might have a look at that” in crayon and is not a letter of intent at all. An order for 5 million cups turns out to be not quite an order of 5 million cups. Peeturd fumes that he has tried to pull the wool over their eyes.
“Hello Peter. Sorry for the misleading” says Benjamin bizarrely. Ghana is too much of an unknown for Devourer and combined with the dicey paperwork it’s a bit much for her. “Put all of that into the pot and it doesn’t help me” she says. My God he’s not going to put you in the pot and eat you – what’s wrong with you woman? Chocolate Benjamin shuffles out potless. Sigh.
An impressive pitch quickly follows from Estonian tech entrepreneur Karoline Gross. Her Smartzer app enables you to buy the shitty dress or shitty food processor in the shitty video you’re watching with a few taps. I don’t think I’m overstepping the mark when I say that Hitler would have loved Karoline who wants to annex £100,000 of Dragon money for 10% of the business. Smelly has already got a company doing what Smartzer does for her online business who are cheaper and less Aryan Nation. Karoline’s revenue model is fucked so even though she is impressive she leaves with nothing. She leaves muttering under her breath that Smartzer will last for a thousand years. Keep an eye on this one.
Hitler would have loved Karoline who wants to annex £100,000 of Dragon money for 10% of the business.
Finally we get another husbland and wife duo Filip Devogeleer and his wife/business partner Jessica Wang. Roomii Toys is their cuntpany and they demonstrate a toy on wheels (omnidirectional!) that you can stick your children’s shit in. Peeturd demands a go on it. “I’ll sit on it” says Smelly. “And I’ll pull you!” says Peeturd hopefully. Animals strike curious poses – they feel the heat, the heat between Smelly and Peeturd as they play with the faceless monster toy – a weird hybrid of storage and ride along.
The Dragons seem to like these two but even though Jock is willing to spit roast them with Peter for £35,000 for 20% each Blownes won’t go for it. So nobody gets a thing this episode. To cheer themselves up the Dragons have a money fight followed by a naked wrestling match between Pies and Peeturd. Those guys.
The verdict: Chocolate brown shower.
Marks out of 10: 7.5