As we begin the final episode of Dragons’ Den for the year we are somehow onto soft drinks. John McFarlane and Georgie Rodwell‘s adult orientated soft drink Norfolk Cordial is the bait and £50,000 for 25% is the asking price. It’s that high-end elderflower shit with craft fair writing on the label that you assiduously ignore in supermarkets and they tell the Dragons they’ll be targeting women in health clubs and spas. Jock McSlasher tells them that he owns like a gazillion spas and the ladies go for red wine not cordial. “Is that because you don’t offer a good enough one?” asks Georgie and if looks could kill then Jock would be being led away by armed police. Peeturd Blownes, who apparently has had every type of business ever, tells them soft drinks is an incredibly tough market to crack and he’s out. Pies and Jock warn them about diluting their business share like a weak cordial as they will no longer work as hard. Jock says he “very, very reluctantly” walking away because he’d like to kill her where she works for full impact. Norfolk Cordial is cordially invited to get tae fuck.
You don’t get many weird mother and son teams on Dragons’ Den but Tracy and Kieran Cannon are just that. They have the completely realistic and plausible goal of making their My Lookalike Dolls the “market leading doll product worldwide” (I’m assuming they misspelled dull). Little girls can make the doll look like “themselves, their favourite celebrity or even imaginary friend”. OK, so how many of these cadavers are they selling? “3 dolls a week.” “3 dolls a WEEK??” shrieks Devourer Medung much like Lady Bracknell exclaims “a handbag?” in The Importance of Being Earnest. The other Dragons are similarly appalled. Mom and son have invested £100,000 in this operation – remortgaged, burnt through redundancy, savings and a business loan. The Dragons leave skid marks they leave so fast. Peter tells them to stop it or they will die destitute like so many Scottish people before them.
Mom and son have invested £100,000 in this operation – remortgaged, burnt through redundancy, savings and a business loan. The Dragons leave skid marks they leave so fast.
A very professional presentation comes next from Manu Bhardwaj, pitching his Hot Pink concept. It’s an online 3-D modelling service for bespoke jewellery (mainly engagement rings) and he’s asking for £100,000 for 35%. Smelly Ploppen, who’s in a stinking mood this week, calls it “one of the saddest sights I’ve ever seen”. She loves the idea of dragging a poor unfortunate utterly emasculated male across town shopping for a financially crippling piece of jewellery and Manu and his shit brain have ruined the whole exercise for her. He never fully recovers from the mauling and walks out with nowt.
Smelly loves the idea of dragging a poor unfortunate utterly emasculated male across town shopping for a financially crippling piece of jewellery and Manu and his shit brain have ruined the whole exercise for her.
Former Exeter University students Chris Rea and Tom Carson are the Den’s final victims the series selling their Young Ones clothing business. Their business plan is to spot fashion trends on campus then undercut competitors and sell their fare to the student filth at affordable prices. Smelly has a problem with them not having their own brand identity – with no design ethic of their own they are fundamentally parasites.
The boy’s confidence is unshakeable though and in a coup de grace they roll out their range of onesies. Onesie is not only the worst invention in fashion history, it’s the worst word in history but those revolting atrocities actually sell and the profit they are currently making is decent and the business comes with low overheads. Devourer Medung says Dragon investment will make them less cool among their core demographic and as if to confirm this Jock offers them £75,000 for 40%.
They take it realising that, whatever else they may be – rich, annoying, socially inept, they will never be cool.
The verdict: We may not be the young ones very long (because Jock McSlasher will kill us).
Marks out of 10: 6