At its heart Clownton Abbey has always been about one woman’s hopeless addiction to cock and the fatal consequences for her many lovers. The death cult that is Monster Mash Mary has cut a swathe through the ranks of the Georgian aristocracy like German machine guns cut through footsoldier proles at the Somme. You’ve a better chance of putting your Johnson into a shredder and seeing it come out unscathed than you have of putting your cock in Mary and surviving the year. And yet still they come. After 48 hours straight of nookie with Pony Gillingham Mary lies exhausted, legs splayed, 2 kilo icepack on her fanny, quietly steaming away as an emaciated Gillingham slips in and out of consciousness slumped in a chair looking like he just got liberated from Belsen. She’s a proper dirty bitch.
You’ve a better chance of putting your Johnson into a shredder and seeing it come out unscathed than you have of putting your cock in Mary and surviving the next year.
So brazen is she that she gets busted by Violet‘s slave Spratt who spots them together in Liverpoo. But when put on the spot the Dowager Countess saves the day by making up some bullshit story to throw her uppity drone off the scent. She dresses Mary down for her schlong fixation but when her old Russian fuckbuddy Prince Kuragin (Rade Sherbedgia) shows up Violet’s ancient vagina fizzes into life the first time in a century. Now we know where Mary gets it from.
Speaking of old brasses Cora goes down to Londung so Lord Withnail can “show” her some “paintings”. He’s certainly got a thick stubbly brush he’d like to familiarise her with and she can’t get enough of the attention. That ludicrous cockblock Robert throws a spanner in her works though by coming down to London to surprise her. Fat Rob’s such a twat.
In other news Baxturd fucked a footman before robbing her last employer which apparently makes her more sympathetic so Cora lets her keep her job if she can keep thieving down to no more than £100 a week. That other dangerous criminal Bates gets questioned by Sergeant Willis over Mister Green’s murder but like the true O.G. he is Bates sails through the interrogation. He’ll beat the rap on this one and then beat a man to death just for giving him the stink eye.
Oh and some other stuff with Edith too dull to relate. They really need to do something with that warpig. Sex change, violent death, lesbian affair – something.
The verdict: I’ll be your long-haired lover from Liverpool then we’ll get spotted by some stinky pov.
Marks out of 10: 7.5