If you’re reading this and thinking "yeah, I hate fake psychics as well, god, how do people fall for that…? But the REAL ones are amazing“ then kill yourself. There are no real ones, shitbird. Just like there are no ghosts, no aliens in air force hangers and no conspiracy ever existed to assassinate Kennedy. Psychics are feral subhuman scum and the only good one is one impaled on a spike with "LYING CUNT" carved into its forehead. Derren Brown Investigates has the tiny magus on a seek-and-decoy mission – find the chump, give him enough rope, then sit back and watch the autoerotic asphyxiation fun ensue.
"There are no real psychics, shitbird. Just like there are no ghosts, and no aliens in air force hangers. Psychics are subhuman scum and the only good one is one impaled on a spike with "LYING CUNT" carved into its forehead."
Derren Brown has produced some incredible television in his time; Russian Roulette, Trick Or Treatand The Heist still resonate though this is necessarily a lot more low-key. We open up with Joe Power, medium (there’s no such thing), who is one of those people who hasn’t blinked since birth. Fixing you all the time with that deadeyed shark glare, he seeks to impress upon you that he’s strictly legit. He’s not breaking eye contact – what could he have to hide?
He invites Derren Brown into his Liverpool home like Fred West invited babysitters into his Gloucester one. He makes him a cup of tea like he’s mixing arsenic with it "Better use me psychic powers to see if he wants strong or medium!" he jokes to the camera, sounding like Alexei Sayle‘s "separated from me wife, sleeping in me Jag, on pills for me nerves" stand up comedian character Bobby Chariot, employing that particular kind of folksy charm that is rarely charming.
"Power sounds like Alexei Sayle’s "on pills for me nerves" stand up comedian character Bobby Chariot, employing that particular kind of folksy charm that is rarely charming."
Brown says "I would love to be blown away by him" or maybe it was just blown? I wasn’t listening so much at this point as whenever any intelligent civilised person says they would love to be impressed by a psychic they are lying. They want to cut their heart out and feed it to their children as every one of them is a liar and a whore.
But of course, as Richard Dawkins discovers daily, emptying scorn on believers just hardens their position. No one enjoys being spoken down to, even if they deserve it, so Derren Brown goes with the Richard Wiseman and Ian Rowland approach of seeming open-minded when you know the lying bastard opposite you is lying. Wiseman helps Derren explain about cold reading to the viewer (if you’re interested, Aerial Telly recommends Ian Rowland’s primer The Full Facts Book of Cold Reading for a comprehensive downlow on the art), making much of the medium’s work all of a sudden seem less magical.
"Joe strops out accusing Derren of ‘bad showmanship’ when he means ‘bad sportmanship’ but he’s a thick piece of shit who doesn’t speak English properly and Derren watches in horror as his builder’s ass crack waddles down the road."
Derren sits in on an impressive reading Joe gives to a woman called Vonda who looks as if she was both scripted and dressed by Carla Lane. Joe gets hit after hit because he’s too legit to quit. And he hasn’t met her before or anything. Then, Joe talks to the dead (Hollyoaks cast members) and also those who have "passed on the spirit world" (former Hollyoaks cast members). It’s a trip.
Naturally, Joe bitches out on a scientifically controlled investigation because it would prove he’s a turd, so a compromise is reached. He reads a woman who answered an ad in a newspaper placed by Derren. It’s a useless reading, of course and Joe strops out, accusing Brown of "bad showmanship" when he means "bad sportmanship" but he’s a thick piece of shit who doesn’t speak English properly and Derren watches in horror as his builder’s ass crack waddles down the road.
"The Hollyoaks actress says "I think Derren is psychic – he really is" There’s only so much you can do faced with that implacable fucknuttery."
Joe thinks he’s been set up and of course he has – by himself. His narcissism prevents him from seeing it. Being a manipulative deadeyed rat fuck it’s usually he who controls the situation and he hates that he’s been exposed by his own colossal stupidity.
Derren Brown is performing an important public service here but you know he has his work cut out when a Hollyoaks actress he has given a cold reading to says "I think Derren is psychic – he really is" even after having it carefully explained to her that he really isn’t. There’s only so much you can do faced with that implacable fucknuttery.
Oh and that Vonda woman Joe so impressively read in the first act? Lives next door to his sister. His motherfucking sister. What a fucking whore he is.
The verdict on Derren Brown Investigates: Impressive stand against the tide.
Marks out of 10: 8
Imagined: Friday, May 14, 2010