The Delicious Miss Dahl
Nigella Lawson was the worst columnist you ever read but stick her in a red top and blowsy skirt talking about her gravy and all of a sudden she’s Madam Sex: Queen of Cock and Kitchen. Previously best known for having a famous granddad and marrying a foetus, Sophie Dahl now has her own cookery show The Delicious Miss Dahlwhich owes rather a lot to Lawson’s sexy-posh-girl-in-the-kitchen trailblazing. Whoever knew the granddaughter of a best-selling author and daughter of a Chancellor of the Exchequer could succeed in the media?
“‘The perfect selfish day would have to begin with breakfast because it’s my favourite meal’ she says. Yes, and also because it’s the first meal of the day, Sophs. The perfect ‘fucking your dwarf husband with a strap-on’ day would also have to begin with breakfast.”
Sophie puts it on the line early on. “I like honest, straightforward food” as opposed to all that dishonest slick talking food we’ve been eating all this time. It’s a cute way of making a virtue out of necessity. She cooks simple because she’s not that good at it. She’s essentially saying “I can’t cook but I’m sexually attractive”. It’s good that we get this out of the way so quickly.
The shows are mood based and the first is Shellfish, sorry, Selfish. “The perfect selfish day would have to begin with breakfast because it’s my favourite meal” she says. Yes, and also because it’s the first meal of the day, Sophs. The perfect “fucking your dwarf husband with a strap-on” day would also have to begin with breakfast. It’s kind of a thing.
She goes to a cheese shop to get the perfect indulgent cheese for lunch. She finds buffalo mozzarella. “I actually fantasise about this cheese” she coyly confides. You may fantasise about it, doll, but you don’t eat it. And in the remainder of your fantasies I imagine pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers play a central role.
“Sophs makes a peanut butter fudge so loaded with calories that if you set it alight it would burn for months like a Californian forest fire yet she last saw a carbohydrate around the time of the Incas.”
Like all models she is a laughable narcissist. “In my time I have been as round as a Reubens and also a little slip shadow of a creature” Yeah, like anyone gives a fuck you’ve gone through a couple of dress sizes. She makes a peanut butter fudge so loaded with calories that if you set it alight it would burn for months like a Californian forest fire. Yet a look at her pinched face and skinny wrists confirms that Sophs last saw a carbohydrate around the time of the Incas.
She drops in little anecdotes like the one about the eight-year-old boy called Bertram eating sushi at one of her book signings. She wanted to be his friend but he disappeared off into the ether. Track the smug little bastard down – he’ll probably get its own show, Bertram on Sushi.
I spent some time watching this trying to place who Sophie Dahl reminds me of and it’s Rita from Arrested Development. Played by Charlize Theron, she was Michael’s beautiful but special needs English girlfriend. Blinded by her beauty and English accent, Michael only realises she’s a ‘tard when he’s played a video of her eating some plastic fruit. Don’t be surprised if there’s similar footage of Sophie on a cutting room floor somewhere.
“She’s away with the fairies, this one. On a starvation diet in real life yet living an alternate reality in front of the cameras where she hogs out on expensive dairy product, kettle chips and chocolate..”
Sophie comes out with some bizarre stuff. She is quite possibly crackers. She seems a nice enough lass. The food, for what it’s worth, is fine. Edie Brickell, Emiliana Torrini and Nouvelle Vague soundtrack this bizarre little magical mystery tour around her mind. She’s away with the fairies, this one. On a starvation diet in real life yet living an alternate reality in front of the cameras where she hogs out on expensive dairy product, kettle chips and chocolate.
I didn’t mind this, actually.
The verdict on The Delicious Miss Dahl: Meh. Fine.
Marks out of 10: 7
Imagined: Friday, April 16, 2010