If you’re familiar with The Cube then you know it’s the place where “simple tasks become epic challenges” a bit like when Fearne Cotton has to read a link or Russell Brand has to do go 12 seconds without needing a slap or Lena Dunham has to walk past a doughnut shop or Blandrew Stinkin has to impersonate a professional actor. Celebrities are out in force¹ for the Cube Celebrity Special and first up is conqueror of Fraudley Embarrasson, Derp Chisora and Nikolay Valueless: David Haye. He’s raising money for the Afro-Caribbean Leukaemia Trust and if he performs here like he did against Klitschko then he (and they) are fucked.
We kick off with ASSEMBLE! where he must stick cylindrical tubes on top of each other. In terms of difficulty it’s the equivalent of knocking out Saber Zairi in four rounds in 2003. It’s a piece of piss and the Hayemaker nails it first time.
So on we roll to DEAD STOP! where he must throw a ball on top of a podium without it falling the FRRRCK off. Is he confident? “Well, I had Wlad Klitschko’s balls in my mouth for 12 rounds so this should be no problem!” he quips. Schofield looks confused and makes a mental note to edit the remark out of the aired version. Haye’s bullishness is misplaced however as he drops four whole lives before he succeeds. It’s a really naff effort. He’s making very heavy weather of earning £2000, a sum he earned in the first five seconds of the ring walk for the Klitschko fight.
Is he confident? “Well, I had Wlad Klitschko’s balls in my mouth for 12 rounds so this should be no problem!”
Still, let’s put that behind us and enter QUADRANT! which is a laughably simple blindfolded walk around a square without touching the red areas. But once again David Haye disappoints. Four lives disappear as he recklessly stamps all over red like an American Footballer in the end zone. The Pube is destroying him. He has one life left to earn £10,000 and uses his simplify which reduces the red area. He can’t fail.
And yet he does. It’s Klitschko all over again. He hops over to Schofield claiming a sprained vagina but the crowd are not impressed. Kanye West is interviewed in the green room and says “David Haye doesn’t care about black people”. He’s right, he doesn’t.
Schofield tells him that even appearing on telly will raise awareness but everybody knows that’s a big crock of shit. Everyone has forgotten whatever charity it was and innocent black people will die as a result as surely as if they rolled up to a petrol station in Florida in a car blasting Rough Ryders Anthem.² The £1000 will buy a plane ticket to get David Haye out of the country so that he never attempts a fundraiser again.
Innocent black people will die as a result as surely as if they rolled up to a petrol station in Florida in a car blasting Rough Ryders anthem.
Once David Haye is booed from the building in walks “Kian Egan” who apparently is some kind of presenter who spent some time in Westlife. He’s batting for a hospice and a cancer charity and he certainly fancies his chances in the Pube with DURATION! where you simply identify which of six squares is lit for the longest duration. He somehow manages to lose one life doing it. “It’s a lot different from Halflife!” he laughs to the stony silence of both Schofield and the audience.
He raises his game significantly for TILT! a tricky task rolling a ball down a beam to a hole at the end. He does it at the first attempt and both his charities will now be fighting over £2000.
He’s an unstoppable beast now for EXPULSION! where contestants must remove 500 balls inside a container in 20 seconds. He unloads them like a music wholesaler unloading unsold copies of his solo album into a skip for burning – quickly, frantically and with absolutely no conscience. He drops only one life and gets the tally to £10,000. My god it’s thrilling. Back at the hospice a dying granny smiles safe in the knowledge she is vouchsafed another three weeks of vibrators, tramadol and Sky Living because of his bravery.
A dying granny smiles safe in the knowledge she is vouchsafed another three weeks of vibrators, tramadol and Sky Living because of his bravery.
But Ian has yet to face DESCENT! the deceptively tough bounce a ball off two columns into a container at the end challenge. Six lives are dropped like a campus volleyball team taking a wrong turn and ended up at a Michael Barrymore party. “I’ve got to say it” says Schofield “That’s a £20,000 mole you got in your hand”. Such pressure is no problem for a man like Ian who hopes steps and jumps the ball into the container before flipping the bird to the camera like he’s Nidge from Love/Hate.
But will Eggon risk everything for BALANCE! or what? Balancing on a narrow beam for 20 seconds is the thing. £50,000 if he pulls it off or £1000 if he doesn’t. He’s very much “fuck it – I’ve done a bit of surfing” and takes up the challenge although sensibly does the trial run in the Pube beforehand. An alpha male like Ian will always risk everything and with the icy veins of an assassin he balances motionless before a breathless crowd and brings home the motherfucking bacon. It’s extraordinary TV.
So Ian Eggon walks away with £50,000. That’s 50 times more than David Haye. The Hayemaker just got turded by the Bez of Westlife. Seriously, where does he go from here?
The verdict: Hey rube. Don’t make it? Bad.
Marks out of 10: 5
¹ By which I mean “there are two of them” (if you count Philip Schofield).
² Don’t be like David Haye. Donate to the ACLT.