Ready for more Crimes of Passion? Well of course you are. Fuck and Eejit (now engaged) arrive at a wedding back at Eejit’s hometown Skoga. It’s that broad Anneli Hassel getting hitched. But there’s a hitch, bitch. She hasn’t bothered turning up. Anally was last seen walking into a florist’s although Fanny the flower girl swears on everything that is hole-y she never saw her. Jilted sack of shit groom Joakim (hereafter known as Jokehim) looks a proper Charlie. Still that shouldn’t stop the reception going ahead and it is there that Christer hooks up with the bride’s best friend Dina. His cock is in her quicker than you can say “brösthållare kackerlacka”.
Christer hooks up with the bride’s best friend Dina. His cock is in her quicker than you can say “brösthållare kackerlacka”.
That boy is a one-man sexual tidal wave. It’s on a sexy walk in the woods with Fuck he finds the bride pretty as a picture laid out and dead as Joan Rivers headlining at the Durka of the Year awards. Anally’s mother and stepfather, Gretel and Egon Strom, are quite sad about it all and it’s put a real cockblock on Christer who now has to treat Dina as a suspect which precludes putting his cock in her again for at least 45 minutes.
Fuck and Eejit shack up with Anally’s hairy godmother Helena who also happens to be Christer’s mammy. She puts them in separate rooms but they’re still boning like a pair of horny Swedes the moment her back’s turned. Get a room, you two! Oh, you did.
As a natural consequence of his insane magnetism there’s still sexual tension between Fuck and Christer and Eejit is jelly. They get THIS close to kissing and it ever so nearly breaks Fuck and Eejit up. But of course it doesn’t. They decide she will be an independent lady missus – not just somebody’s housewife. She will be a MODERN wife. Which means that she’ll be able to fuck Christer whenever she wants, which will be all the time as no woman yet born can resist his gravitational pull.
Custom dictates that an occasional murder should punctuate the shagging and artist-photographer Mats Norrgard who Anally was banging winds up hanging like an old sock from a tree in the woods. He was fucking the bride in a cottage in the woods – literally cottaging Anally. So it was suicide? Yeah, if by “suicide” you mean MURDER. Which I imagine you didn’t.
All told it’s been a frustrating hour since Christer had sexual intercourse so he is keen to get to the denouement. He Poirots his way through the murders at Anally’s wake. Turns out Egon had tricked Anally into marrying Jokehim to secure his investment in Egon and Sebastian’s bullshit business project, even thieving Mats’ love letters to ensure her nuptials. At first Egon denies the whole murdering his stepdaughter thing but all that changes when Fuck works out that his primary motivation was wanting to knock the effing back out of her.
“Yeah, she was really hot! LOL!” he confesses. Where are you from Egon? HalmstLAD?¹
I’m kind of enjoying this ridiculous show. It seems both fully aware of and comfortable with its own absurdity. Swedes are such deviants.
The verdict: Wedding day blews.
Marks out of 10: 7