It’s pretty well established that Australia treats its aborigines like Lindsey Buckingham treats his women – disgracefully and with callous, often fatal disregard. So it’s no surprise when early on in The Code two aborigine teens are mashed up in an outback collision near Lindara, New South Wales that no one gives a fuck. Clarence Boyd (Aaron L. McGrath) shows up in his schoolteacher Alex Wisham‘s (Lucy Lawless) garage covered in blood and gibbering like Amanda Bynes and it’s the last thing she needs. He’s stolen her car, crashed it and dumped his 14-year-old girlfriend Sheyna (Madeleine Madden) in the wreck. “You’ve got got some abosplaining to do, young man” she says and she’s right – he does.
We’ll get back to that but for now say hello to Canberra and Ned Banks (Dan Spielman) journalist at Internet news shite Password. Ned is scratching around the Parliament of Australia when he gets the exclusive that Minister for Energy Graeme Poulson is being thrown under the bus for some minor sexual assault on a married milf (Mother I’d like to Fuck-up-my-career-over). Randall Keats (Killer Dan from Rectify) is the man who orders the shitcanning. Chief of Staff at the Department of Prime Minister and Cabinet, Randall’s putting his cock in director of communications Sophie Walsh (Chelsie Preston Crayford) and frequently ruins careers for pleasure and profit.
“You’ve got got some abosplaining to do, young man” she says and she’s right – he does.
When he’s not going after rapey politicians Ned drags around his dopey little brother Jesse (Ashley Zukerman). Jesse’s got some kind of brain Aids that makes his shit all retarded and after he makes a disgusting terrorist attempt on Parliament police tell them both to GTFO. It’s a welcome distraction for Ned when a slip of paper with the word Lindara on it falls out of the Poulson file Sophie Walsh handed him. He starts googling the outback shitbox out of curiosity. Nothing much – just two abo teens missing. Who could give a fuck about that?
Still, you never know. He phones Alex Wisham just as she discovers Sheyna’s dead body. On Clarence’s phone there’s a video showing Sheyna begging for mercy as some mystery assailant drags her out and pushes her right the fuck into a gorge. The dude gets into a lorry owned by medical biotech cuntpany Physanto. So I imagine they’re up to no good.
When the video gets back to Passturd they have no problem posting it and The Man has no problem fucking up their website in response. They receives an email:
DO NOT REPOST
DO NOT FAIL TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.
SIGNED, THE MEDICAL INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX
“Do not fail? Double negative, mate” says a smartarse sub who quickly gets told to button it. Publish and be damned isn’t just a saying.
At home Jesse happy hacks Physanto webshite with Girl with the Dragon Tattoo holer Hani (Adele Perovic) and gets a hard drive full of malware for his trouble – kidnapped too but at least he’s not Clarence, slashed by persons unknown in his prison cell. This conspiracy reaches everywhere you don’t want it to like tentacle porn or your mom on Facebook.
This seems decent. I don’t really understand brain Aids but apparently it gives you magical computer powers so I’m fairly certain once he escapes from his captors Rain Boy will save the day. Don’t know if he’s going to end up banging the holer but somebody needs to.
The verdict: Code DEAD.
Marks out of 10: 7.5