ITV/Channel 4/Channel 5
OK, this is never ever happening. A husbland addressing his wife through a TV advert, telling her that he can no longer do the “massive weekly shop”. Admittedly, thousands of married men will commit murder-suicide rather than do the massive weekly shop but this dickless walking apology supplicant piece of shit is not representative of them or anything approaching masculinity. As such, he is exactly like practically every man you see on an advert these days.
Shitbird goes on to tell his wife he can no longer queue for the car park when he could be “walking in the park with the kids”. Furthermore, he doesn’t want to throw anymore sausages away. He hates waste! “Darling I’m sorry” (you really are, son) “I can no longer do that anymore”
“I want to stay in bed all Saturday morning and…” [cut to lion roaring: cut back to gump] “You know?” I believe I do. You mean rather than discarding excess sausages you’d rather be putting your cock in your wife? Well as you’ve got kids there’s a better chance of you being mauled by that lion then you have of seeing any Saturday morning pussy. Real talk.
“Thanks for listening, gorgeous. I love you” he signs off. What’s most strange about this Co-op advert is that it’s not about the Co-op at all. It’s about how his wife is cheating on him and who could blame her? He’s obviously happy with the Co-op despite its “shit food, shit prices” ethos and almost legendary QueueBusters™ – the hilarious Power Rangers name for the crack squad of incompetent till staff mopes who spring into action with just one (two, three…) honks of the tannoy.
Unfortunately for him they just don’t stock the one thing he really needs: a set of balls.