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Alive: Back To The Andes
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Anti-Social Old Buggers
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Balderdash And Piffle
Battered Men: Hidden Lives
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Beauty And The Geek
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Big Brother 2005
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Big Brother 2007: Get that loudmouth chickenhead hoodrat cunt out
Big Brother's Big Mouth
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Bionic Woman pre-air pilot
Bo! in the USA
Bodies
Bodies series finale
Body Shock: Half Ton Man
Bollocks To Cancer
The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence
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Bring Back...Grange Hill
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
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China
Christmas television review 2006
Comic Relief Does The Apprentice
Compulsion
The Contender
The Contender Season Two
Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic
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The Dark Side Of Porn
The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn
Dead Ringers
Deadwood
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Deadwood Season 3
Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns
Derren Brown: The Heist
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Dexter Season One
Dexter Season Two...
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Emily Parr - an apology
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Everybody Hates Chris
Extraordinary People - The Girl Who Makes Miracles
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Firefly - The Complete Series
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I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25
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I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006
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The Mitchell Brothers' Return
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Old Enough To Be His Mother
Oscars 2005
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Peaches Geldof: Teen America
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The Pick-up Artist
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China
BBC2
"The Chinese. A great bunch of lads." Father Ted
BBC documentaries exude gravitas like Natasha Kaplinksy exudes ruthless, glass-eyed careerism. No matter what the subject, within seconds you find yourself nodding silently, going "hmmm" and feeling like you should read more. Or even at all. Sustained by a patrician desire to inform and educate the masses, they go about their business with a missionary zeal that makes you seriously considering buying a TV licence one day.
"BBC2 documentaries exude gravitas like Natasha Kaplinksy exudes ruthless, glass-eyed careerism."
China, BBC2's exploration of the emerging superpower is no different. As ting-tong music builds moodily in the background we see construction workers on the 2008 Olympic Stadium site in Beijing. No builders' ass crack and sexual harassment for the Chinese navvy. No, for he is quite a different class of brick monkey who wields his sickle with pride for his family and The Party. Possibly. They never spoke to them so I'm reading between the lines.
But it is true to say that the BBC have been granted remarkable access to a number of remarkably boring Chinese citizens - mainly party officials who travel to the countryside to bully the peasants with fatuous edicts.
"China is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped inside Yuk Sung with a side helping of prawn toast."
China is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped inside Yuk Sung with a side helping of prawn toast. With 1.3 billion citizens from 56 ethnic groups, we in the West know little about our celestial counterparts. They look funny, talk funny and are on the other side of the planet - why on earth would we care?
Well, Stalin once said that one death is a tragedy and one million deaths a statistic and there is a real sense in which the sheer volume of people in China diminishes their humanity in our eyes. They appear to us as one big homogenous mass of cycling peasants. They've never had a proper democracy in their history and the wishes of the individual are forever subjugated to the greater good: the will of the state. This is true of all Eastern cultures to some extent - the individual experiences himself more as a vital cell in the organism than as a discrete entity.
"It's become a quasi-racist cliche to ponder Chinese inscrutability like they were some alien species that hatched from a gigantic egg one day"
It's become a quasi-racist cliche to ponder Chinese inscrutability like they were some alien species that hatched from a gigantic egg one day, catching us by surprise as we went about our shallow Western business. But a combination of our fundamental differences and Chinese state secrecy has made such pondering practically irresistible. No one disagrees that China is changing but no one can decisively say in which direction.
The Communist Party is flirting with market economics and the indications are that this has gone way beyond second base. They rationalise this by saying they must first achieve socialism before they achieve true communism. But like any good drug, capitalism is driven by fundamental human needs and once you gave people a taste of enterprise, competition and prosperity can you really snatch it away? The worldwide move away from giant statist final solutions seems difficult to resist.
"He doesn't actually answer those questions leading me to suspect that he agrees with them."
How far democracy has replaced diktat is debatable - 94% turnout in rural areas for elections at least suggests a thirst for political participation. The genesis of authentic politics is slow and boring and, as a result, so are large parts of this documentary.
Professor Kang Xiaoguang from the Chinese Academy of Social Science says "a lot of foreigners say: 'You Chinese, are you all insane? Your country's so crappy - what makes you think you should be, will be, number one?'. He doesn't actually answer those questions leading me to suspect that he agrees with them.
The best thing about it: Pissy academics getting pissy.
The worst thing about it: Many questions, few answers.
The verdict on China: I'll try the duck next time
Marks out of 10: 5
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AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
2007: your relationshit is going nowhere
2008 - Napoleon Boneypie finally faces her Waterloo.
50 ways to grieve your lover
Aerial Telly - Black Irish bastard with the heart of a warrior and the soul of a poet
Aerial Telly - high functioning sociopath with narcissistic tendencies
Aerial Telly is not saying he had sex with Kate McCann but...
Aerial Telly loves Joni Mitchell but Little Green is not a deeply moving account of a mother's love for her child. It is an account of how Joni Mitchell gave up her child for money, fame and cock
Aerial Telly will not be sexing Doctor Kate McCann
Amy, for the love of God eat some chips you loopy cunt
Apology for slavery
The big veiny cock arms of love are strangling Brad Pitt
Get stuffed you creeps - Aerial Telly is the best thing that ever happened to you and you know it
Handsome, talented and a sensational lay - but life is not all roses for Aerial Telly
Happy Christmas cock smokers
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It was the best of weeks, it was the worst of weeks
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Ladies - time to ditch the borefriend and get with a real man
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Mea culpa - you a cunta
"Meet the parents" or "destroy what is left of her shattered self-esteem"
Never forgive, never forget, never for fun
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No, Foxy Knoxy - Aerial Telly will not be representing your interests
She came again today
So, the girl you love has got a ginger borefriend
Stop your nonsense, ladies...Aerial Telly is single, sane and straight
Sympathy For The Devil
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You're the only Aerial Telly reader whose girlfriend is safe from him
Your breath smells like a thousand miles of shit.
AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING
200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice
Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser
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Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?
Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler
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O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got
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Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is
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TV REVIEWS (cont'd)
Pushing Daisies series premiere...
Richard and Judy
Rome Season One
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The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive
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Stepkids In Love
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Take That... for the Record
Talk to me
Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer
The Thick Of It
This Life +10
This World: Kidnap Cops
Too Ugly For Love
TV's Naughtiest Blunders
Unanimous
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Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report
Veronica Mars Season Two
Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere
Veronica Mars Season Three finale
A Very Social Secretary
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Weeds Season 3
When Lineker Met Maradona
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The Wire, Season 4
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World's Deadliest Gangs
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28 Weeks Later
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Hard Candy
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Notes On A Scandal
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40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying
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Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir
An Illustrated History of Dis
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Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite
Morales v Barrera III
Music Sounds Better With You(tube)
NME cool list
Paralympics
Playlouder Reviews
Stan Collymore
The Streets
Vertigolf
We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite
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