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Over 300 Reviews. Including: The Apprentice, Veronica Mars, Prison Break, Deadwood, My Name Is Earl, 24, Heroes and Lost. Updated Wednesdays and Fridays. You "people" make me sick.

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TV REVIEWS

10 Years Younger

24: Season 4

24: Season 5

24 Season 5 finale

24: Season 6

30 Rock

Abi Titmuss

Aerial Telly Awards 2005

Aerial Telly Awards 2006

Aerial Telly Awards 2007

Aerial Telly search queries

Aerial Telly search queries 2

Aerial Telly search queries 3

Aerial Comment

Alive: Back To The Andes

Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show

Anti-Social Old Buggers

The Apprentice

The Apprentice Series Three Final

The Apprentice Series 3 half-term report

The Armstrongs

Ashes to Ashes

Balderdash And Piffle

Battered Men: Hidden Lives

Battlestar Galactica Season 3

Battlestar Galactica Season 3 finale

Beauty And The Geek

Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave

Bernard Matthews Golden Moments

Big Brother 2005

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Big Brother 2007

Big Brother 2007: Get that loudmouth chickenhead hoodrat cunt out

Big Brother's Big Mouth

Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism

Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism

Bionic Woman pre-air pilot

Bo! in the USA

Bodies

Bodies series finale

Body Shock: Half Ton Man

Bollocks To Cancer

The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence

Bremner, Bird and Fortune

Bring Back...Grange Hill

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Buffy the Career Slayer?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Californication

Carnivale

Catherine Tate Christmas Special

CBeebies website

Celebrity Big Brother

Celebrity Big Brother 2006

Celebrity Big Brother 2007

Celebrity Fit Club

Celebrity Love Island

The Charlotte Church Show

China

Christmas television review 2006

Comic Relief Does The Apprentice

Compulsion

The Contender

The Contender Season Two

Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic

Cutting Edge: Pram Face

The Dark Side Of Porn

The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn

Dead Ringers

Deadwood

Deadwood - a lament

Deadwood Season 3

Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns

Derren Brown: The Heist

Derren Brown's Russian Roulette

Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat

Dexter Season One

Dexter Season Two...

Dispatches: The Big Heist

Doctor Who

Dragons Den

Drive

EastEnders

Election 2005 coverage

Emily Parr - an apology

Escape to the Legion

Everybody Hates Chris

Extraordinary People - The Girl Who Makes Miracles

Extras

Extras Christmas special

Fat Beauty Contest

Feel The Force

Firefly - The Complete Series

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

Fonejacker

Friday Night Project

Going Cold Turkey

Guys And Dolls

Heroes

Heroes Season One Finale

Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed

House

HSBC adverts

I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006

Inside Waco

It's Me Or The Dog

Jericho

John From Cincinnati

Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem

Journeyman

jPod

Keys To The Vip

Keys To The Vip update - Aerial Telly bringing "people" together

King Of Shaves advert

Life on Mars

Life

Loose Women

Lost

Lost Season 2

Lost Season Three Finale

Lost Season 3: half-term report

Lost Season 3 Premiere

Mad Men

The Madness of Boy George

Mars Believe World Cup Campaign

Man vs Wild

Mary Archer

Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs

The Mitchell Brothers' Return

Monkey Dust

Morales v Barrera III

My Family

My Name Is Earl

My Penis And I

Nibble Nobby's Nuts adverts

Nigella

Neighbours 20th anniversary show

No Angels

Old Enough To Be His Mother

Oscars 2005

Party Animals

Peaches Geldof: Teen America

Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares

The Peter Serafinowicz Show

The Pick-up Artist

Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Prison Break

Prison Break 2

Prison Break Season Two: half-term report

Prison Break Season Two Premiere

Prison Break Season Two Finale

Pulling

China, BBC2

China

BBC2

"The Chinese. A great bunch of lads."  Father Ted

BBC documentaries exude gravitas like Natasha Kaplinksy exudes ruthless, glass-eyed careerism. No matter what the subject, within seconds you find yourself nodding silently, going "hmmm" and feeling like you should read more. Or even at all. Sustained by a patrician desire to inform and educate the masses, they go about their business with a missionary zeal that makes you seriously considering buying a TV licence one day.

"BBC2 documentaries exude gravitas like Natasha Kaplinksy exudes ruthless, glass-eyed careerism."

China, BBC2's exploration of the emerging superpower is no different. As ting-tong music builds moodily in the background we see construction workers on the 2008 Olympic Stadium site in Beijing. No builders' ass crack and sexual harassment for the Chinese navvy. No, for he is quite a different class of brick monkey who wields his sickle with pride for his family and The Party. Possibly. They never spoke to them so I'm reading between the lines.

But it is true to say that the BBC have been granted remarkable access to a number of remarkably boring Chinese citizens - mainly party officials who travel to the countryside to bully the peasants with fatuous edicts.

"China is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped inside Yuk Sung with a side helping of prawn toast."

China is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped inside Yuk Sung with a side helping of prawn toast. With 1.3 billion citizens from 56 ethnic groups, we in the West know little about our celestial counterparts. They look funny, talk funny and are on the other side of the planet - why on earth would we care?

Well, Stalin once said that one death is a tragedy and one million deaths a statistic and there is a real sense in which the sheer volume of people in China diminishes their humanity in our eyes. They appear to us as one big homogenous mass of cycling peasants. They've never had a proper democracy in their history and the wishes of the individual are forever subjugated to the greater good: the will of the state. This is true of all Eastern cultures to some extent - the individual experiences himself more as a vital cell in the organism than as a discrete entity.

"It's become a quasi-racist cliche to ponder Chinese inscrutability like they were some alien species that hatched from a gigantic egg one day"

It's become a quasi-racist cliche to ponder Chinese inscrutability like they were some alien species that hatched from a gigantic egg one day, catching us by surprise as we went about our shallow Western business. But a combination of our fundamental differences and Chinese state secrecy has made such pondering practically irresistible. No one disagrees that China is changing but no one can decisively say in which direction.

The Communist Party is flirting with market economics and the indications are that this has gone way beyond second base. They rationalise this by saying they must first achieve socialism before they achieve true communism. But like any good drug, capitalism is driven by fundamental human needs and once you gave people a taste of enterprise, competition and prosperity can you really snatch it away? The worldwide move away from giant statist final solutions seems difficult to resist.

"He doesn't actually answer those questions leading me to suspect that he agrees with them."

How far democracy has replaced diktat is debatable - 94% turnout in rural areas for elections at least suggests a thirst for political participation. The genesis of authentic politics is slow and boring and, as a result, so are large parts of this documentary.

Professor Kang Xiaoguang from the Chinese Academy of Social Science says "a lot of foreigners say: 'You Chinese, are you all insane? Your country's so crappy - what makes you think you should be, will be, number one?'. He doesn't actually answer those questions leading me to suspect that he agrees with them.

The best thing about it: Pissy academics getting pissy.

The worst thing about it: Many questions, few answers.

The verdict on China: I'll try the duck next time

Marks out of 10: 5

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AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO LIFE

2007: your relationshit is going nowhere

2008 - Napoleon Boneypie finally faces her Waterloo.

50 ways to grieve your lover

Aerial Telly - Black Irish bastard with the heart of a warrior and the soul of a poet

Aerial Telly - high functioning sociopath with narcissistic tendencies

Aerial Telly is not saying he had sex with Kate McCann but...

Aerial Telly loves Joni Mitchell but Little Green is not a deeply moving account of a mother's love for her child. It is an account of how Joni Mitchell gave up her child for money, fame and cock

Aerial Telly will not be sexing Doctor Kate McCann

Amy, for the love of God eat some chips you loopy cunt

Apology for slavery

The big veiny cock arms of love are strangling Brad Pitt

Get stuffed you creeps - Aerial Telly is the best thing that ever happened to you and you know it

Handsome, talented and a sensational lay - but life is not all roses for Aerial Telly

Happy Christmas cock smokers

Having trouble with your long-turd relationshit? Relax, it's not just you.

It was the best of weeks, it was the worst of weeks

Kate McCann requests Aerial Telly phone number.

Ladies - time to ditch the borefriend and get with a real man

Let's get this straight - they drugged her, killed her, sat on her body for three weeks then dumped her in the ocean? Fuck you, Johnny Incompetentos...

Mea culpa - you a cunta

"Meet the parents" or "destroy what is left of her shattered self-esteem"

Never forgive, never forget, never for fun

Never mind that the case against them stinks like a hogwhore's cunt - just keep bullying the parents

No, Foxy Knoxy - Aerial Telly will not be representing your interests

She came again today

So, the girl you love has got a ginger borefriend

Stop your nonsense, ladies...Aerial Telly is single, sane and straight

Sympathy For The Devil

Who the fuck is Mick Jagger?

You're the only Aerial Telly reader whose girlfriend is safe from him

Your breath smells like a thousand miles of shit.

 

AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING

200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice

Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser

Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory

Aerial Telly wins crushing victory against forces of darkness - bookmaker on suicide watch

Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?

Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler

Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year

O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got

OK, you Appalachian pissdrinkers get this - Winky Wright to beat Bernard Hopkins at evens is a phenomenal bet, the type that comes around once a century

Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57

Scandinavian betting giant's eyes water as they take a balls deep ass fucking from Aerial Telly

Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is

You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62

 

TV REVIEWS (cont'd)

Pushing Daisies series premiere...

Richard and Judy

Rome Season One

Saxondale

The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

The Secret Policemen's Ball

Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter

Sex Addict

Seymour Butts

Shameless

Shameless Season 4

Shane

The Shield

The Shield - Season Five Finale

The Shield - Season 6

Skins

Smoking Room

The Sopranos Season 6

Space Cadets

The Spy Who Stole My Life

State of the TV Nation Address

Stepkids In Love

Studs of Suburbia

Supernanny

Surviving Disaster

Take That... for the Record

Talk to me

Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer

The Thick Of It

This Life +10

This World: Kidnap Cops

Too Ugly For Love

TV's Naughtiest Blunders

Unanimous

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report

Veronica Mars Season Two

Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere

Veronica Mars Season Three finale

A Very Social Secretary

Weeds

Weeds Season 3

When Lineker Met Maradona

Wimbledon coverage

The Wire

The Wire, Season 4

The Wire Season 5 Premiere

World Cup coverage

World's Deadliest Gangs

X Factor 2005

X-Factor 2007

Zoo Magazine adverts

 

FILM REVIEWS

28 Weeks Later

American Gangster

Apocalypto

Atonement

The Bourne Ultimatum

Control

Dawn Of The Dead

The Departed

The Descent

Fahrenheit 9/11

Hard Candy

Lust, Caution

Notes On A Scandal

Once

Open Water

Pan's Labyrinth

Rocky Balboa

Saw

Super Size Me

United 93

When the Levees Broke

 

MISC REVIEWS

40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying

Amazon Review Scum

Aerial Telly forever - Birmingham arts scene scum never

Blowjob monologues and the like

Ellen MacArthur

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

An Illustrated History of Dis

Fooled By Randomness

Hip-hop

Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite

Morales v Barrera III

Music Sounds Better With You(tube)

NME cool list

Paralympics

Playlouder Reviews

Stan Collymore

The Streets

Vertigolf

We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite