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"Ah fuck it - the cunt bit me" - a Steve Irwin tribute
Alive: Back To The Andes
Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show
Anti-Social Old Buggers
The Apprentice
The Apprentice Series Three Final
The Apprentice Series 3 half-term report
The Apprentice Season 4
The Apprentice Series 4 Finale
The Armstrongs
Arrested Development
Ashes to Ashes
Balderdash And Piffle
Battlestar Galactica Season 3
Battlestar Galactica Season 3 finale
Battlestar Galactica Season 4
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Battlestar Galactica Series finale
Battlestar Galactica: Sometimes a Great Notion
Battlestar Galactica - The Plan
Beauty And The Geek
Being Human
Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave
Bernard Matthews Golden Moments
Big Brother 2005
Big Brother 2006 Launch Night
Big Brother 2007
Big Brother 2007: Get that chickenhead hoodrat out
Big Brother 2008
Big Brother 2008 - It's a Wonderful Life (when you're not in it
Big Brother 2008 - Mario must die
Big Brother 2008: Stuart tapped the compassion vending machine and it toppled over and fell on top of him
Big Brother's Big Mouth
Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism
Big Brother got no gas, Sienna Miller got no ass, Mark Ronson got no class
Big Brother poetry
Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism
Bionic Woman pre-air pilot
Bo! in the USA
Bodies
Bodies series finale
Body Shock: Half Ton Man
Bollocks To Cancer
Bonekickers
The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence
Breaking Bad
Bring Back...Grange Hill
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Bully Beatdown
Californication
Carnivale
Caprica pilot
Castrating Galactica - why Faceman needs to can it
Catherine Tate Christmas Special
CBeebies website
Celebrity Big Brother
Celebrity Big Brother 2006
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Celebrity Big Brother 2009
Celebrity Fit Club
Celebrity Love Island
The Charlotte Church Show
China
Christmas television 2006
Christmas TV 2009 - what not to watc
Clever v Stupid
Comic Relief Does The Apprentice
Coming Of Age
Compulsion
The Contender
The Contender Season Two
Criminal Justice
Criminal Justice Season Two
The Cube
Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic
Cutting Edge: Pram Face
Damages
The Dark Side Of Porn
The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn
Dead Ringers
Deadwood
Deadwood - a lament
Deadwood Season 3
Derren Brown: The Heist
Derren Brown's Russian Roulette
Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat
Dexter Season One
Dexter Season Two
Dexter Season 4 Finale
Dexter Season 4 Premiere
Dispatches: The Big Heist
Doctor Who
Dragons Den
Drive
EastEnders
Election 2005 coverage
Emily Parr - an apology
Entourage Season 5 Premiere
Escape to the Legion
Euro 2008 TV coverage
Everybody Hates Chris
Extras
Extras Christmas special
The Family
Fat Beauty Contest
Feel The Force
Firefly - The Complete Series
Fix My Fat Head
FlashForward
FlashForward midseason report
Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir
Fonejacker
Friday Night Project
Generation Kill
Getting On
Glee
Going Cold Turkey
Guys And Dolls
Hannah Bradbeer - wide forehead having X Factor goddess
Harper's Island
Heather Mills: what really happened
Heroes
Heroes Season One Finale
Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed
Home Time
House
How Not To Live Your Life
HSBC adverts
I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25
I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here
I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006
I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2008
I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2009
In This Corner
The Inbetweeners
Inside Waco
Jericho
John From Cincinnati
Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem
Joss Whedon's Dollhouse will be the greatest television show in history
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Keys To The Vip
The Kill Point
Kings
King Of Shaves advert
Life
The Life and Times of Tim
Life on Mars
Live From Studio Five
Louis Theroux - The City Addicted to Crystal Meth
Loose Women
Lost
Lost Season 2
Lost Season Three Finale
Lost Season 3: half-term report
Lost Season 3 Premiere
Lost Season Four Half Term report
Mad Men
Mad Men Season 2
Mad Men Season 2 Finale
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Mad Men Season 3 Finale
The Madness of Boy George
Mars Believe World Cup Campaign
Man vs Wild
Martina Cole's The Take
Mary Archer
The Mentalist
Mercy Series Premiere
Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs
Misfits
The Mitchell Brothers' Return
Mock the Week
Monkey Dust
Morales v Barrera III
My Family
My Name Is Earl
My Penis And I
My Supermodel Baby
Nibble Nobby's Nuts adverts
Nigella
Neighbours 20th anniversary show
No Angels
No Heroics
Old Enough To Be His Mother
Oscars 2005
Paradox
Party Animals
Peaches Geldof: Teen America
Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares
The Peter Serafinowicz Show
The Pick-up Artist
The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere
Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Prison Break
Prison Break 2
Prison Break Season Two: half-term report
Prison Break Season Two Premiere
Prison Break Season Two Finale
Prison Break Season 4 Half Term Report
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China
BBC2
"The Chinese. A great bunch of lads." Father Ted
BBC documentaries exude gravitas like Natasha Kaplinksy exudes ruthless, glass-eyed careerism. No matter what the subject, within seconds you find yourself nodding silently, going "hmmm" and feeling like you should read more. Or even at all. Sustained by a patrician desire to inform and educate the masses, they go about their business with a missionary zeal that makes you seriously considering buying a TV licence one day.
"BBC2 documentaries exude gravitas like Natasha Kaplinksy exudes ruthless, glass-eyed careerism."
China, BBC2's exploration of the emerging superpower is no different. As ting-tong music builds moodily in the background we see construction workers on the 2008 Olympic Stadium site in Beijing. No builders' ass crack and sexual harassment for the Chinese navvy. No, for he is quite a different class of brick monkey who wields his sickle with pride for his family and The Party. Possibly. They never spoke to them so I'm reading between the lines.
But it is true to say that the BBC have been granted remarkable access to a number of remarkably boring Chinese citizens - mainly party officials who travel to the countryside to bully the peasants with fatuous edicts.
"China is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped inside Yuk Sung with a side helping of prawn toast."
China is a riddle wrapped in a mystery, wrapped inside Yuk Sung with a side helping of prawn toast. With 1.3 billion citizens from 56 ethnic groups, we in the West know little about our celestial counterparts. They look funny, talk funny and are on the other side of the planet - why on earth would we care?
Well, Stalin once said that one death is a tragedy and one million deaths a statistic and there is a real sense in which the sheer volume of people in China diminishes their humanity in our eyes. They appear to us as one big homogenous mass of cycling peasants. They've never had a proper democracy in their history and the wishes of the individual are forever subjugated to the greater good: the will of the state. This is true of all Eastern cultures to some extent - the individual experiences himself more as a vital cell in the organism than as a discrete entity.
"It's become a quasi-racist cliche to ponder Chinese inscrutability like they were some alien species that hatched from a gigantic egg one day"
It's become a quasi-racist cliche to ponder Chinese inscrutability like they were some alien species that hatched from a gigantic egg one day, catching us by surprise as we went about our shallow Western business. But a combination of our fundamental differences and Chinese state secrecy has made such pondering practically irresistible. No one disagrees that China is changing but no one can decisively say in which direction.
The Communist Party is flirting with market economics and the indications are that this has gone way beyond second base. They rationalise this by saying they must first achieve socialism before they achieve true communism. But like any good drug, capitalism is driven by fundamental human needs and once you gave people a taste of enterprise, competition and prosperity can you really snatch it away? The worldwide move away from giant statist final solutions seems difficult to resist.
"He doesn't actually answer those questions leading me to suspect that he agrees with them."
How far democracy has replaced diktat is debatable - 94% turnout in rural areas for elections at least suggests a thirst for political participation. The genesis of authentic politics is slow and boring and, as a result, so are large parts of this documentary.
Professor Kang Xiaoguang from the Chinese Academy of Social Science says "a lot of foreigners say: 'You Chinese, are you all insane? Your country's so crappy - what makes you think you should be, will be, number one?'. He doesn't actually answer those questions leading me to suspect that he agrees with them.
The best thing about it: Pissy academics getting pissy.
The worst thing about it: Many questions, few answers.
The verdict on China: I'll try the duck next time
Marks out of 10: 5

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FILM REVIEWS
28 Weeks Later
2 Days In Paris
American Gangster
Antichrist
Apocalypto
Assault in the Ring
Atonement
The Bank Job
The Bourne Ultimatum
Bruno
Changeling
Clubbed
Control
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Dawn Of The Dead
The Departed
The Descent
Fahrenheit 9/11
Hard Candy
Ils (Them)
In Bruges
Juno
Lars and the Real Girl
Let The Right One In
Lust, Caution
Man on Wire
Notes On A Scandal
Once
Open Water
Pan's Labyrinth
Rocky Balboa
Saw
Super Size Me
Tyson
United 93
WALL-E
When the Levees Broke
The Wrestler
Zodiac
AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING
200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice
Aerial Telly ascends to boxing divinity as a piss drenched Marquez howls like a mortally wounded animal at the stars
Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser
Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart, cash money in his wallet and your girl on his jock
Aerial Telly pulls boxing from the flames of the 50 storey burning shithouse constructed by Valueless and Haye
Aerial Telly's refusal to take inferior prices on Miguel Cotto means he wins AGAIN
Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory
Aerial Telly wins crushing victory against forces of darkness - bookmaker on suicide watch
All the piss in Mexico City can't stop Juan Manuel Marquez from taking an L from Floyd Mayweather
Amir Khan World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here.
Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance
Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?
Cotto v Margarito - Aerial Telly's boundless compassion means he can't get a wedge on at the correct price
Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao is going to beat Richard John Hatton MBE
Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler
Joke Calslappy will murder chicken torturing, child support avoiding, dog murderer Roid Jones
Juan Díaz es el Bebé Bull pero Juan Manuel Marquez es El Matador
Juan Diaz wrestles back title of worst bastard in the history of forever from Turdmain Failur
Juan Manuel Marquez murders Juan Diaz to keep Aerial Telly's phenomenal win streak running
Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year
Manny Pacquiao is this generation's Roberto Duran and Aerial Telly is this generation's Ace Rothstein, Giacomo Casanova and George Orwell combined
Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, has killed more Mexicans than the maquiladoras
Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, Harvester of Souls, is the greatest fighter that ever lived
OK shitcake bakers get this: Manny Pacquiao is the greatest fighter that ever lived but Floyd Mayweather beats him
O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got
Paulie Malignaggi is the biggest turd in boxing history and Aerial Telly is a first ballot Hall of Famer whose genius for calling the big fights is unparalleled
The robbery that wasn't, why Malignaggi is a massive toid and why Pig Tits slaps Poorly into an early grave
Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57
Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke.
Turdmain Failure will show Carl Froch that there is more to boxing than the ability to be punched in the face repeatedly without falling over
Turdmain Failure is the worst bastard in the history of forever
Valuev is such a gigantic turd even chinny blowhard ducker David Haye can flush him
When Ricky Hatton beats Paulie Malignaggi like Aerial Telly readers beat their Johnsons, "people" will wonder why the price was 1.48 just days before the massacre
Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is
You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62
TV REVIEWS (cont'd)
Pushing Daisies series premiere...
Richard and Judy
Rome Season One
Saxondale
The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive
The Secret Policemen's Ball
Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter
Sex Addict
Seymour Butts
Shameless
Shameless Season 4
Shane
The Shield
The Shield - Season Five Finale
The Shield - Season 6
The Shield series finale
Six Feet Under
Skins
Skins Season 2
Smoking Room
Sons of Anarchy
Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Premiere
The Sopranos Season 6
Space Cadets
The Spy Who Stole My Life
State of the TV Nation Address
Stepkids In Love
Studs of Suburbia
Summer Heights High
Supernanny
Surviving Disaster
Take That... for the Record
Talk to me
Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer
Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles
The Thick Of It
The Thick of It Series 3
This Life +10
This World: Kidnap Cops
True Stories - The Trials Of Amanda Knox
Too Ugly For Love
True Blood
True Blood Season 2 Final
TV's Naughtiest Blunders
Unanimous
Underbelly
Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report
Veronica Mars Season Two
Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere
Veronica Mars Season Three finale
A Very Social Secretary
Weeds
Weeds Season 3
Weeds Season 4
Weeds Season 5 Finale
Weeds Season 5 Premiere
When Fearne Met Peaches
When Lineker Met Maradona
Wimbledon coverage
The Wire Season 3
The Wire, Season 4
The Wire Season 5 Premiere
The Wire Series Finale
World Cup coverage
World's Deadliest Gangs
X Factor 2005
X-Factor 2007
X-Factor 2008
X-Factor 2009
MISC REVIEWS
40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying
606 with Danny Baker
Amazon Review Scum
Blowjob monologues and the like
Everything is retro, funky and kitsch on eBay nowadays
Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir
An Illustrated History of Dis
Fooled By Randomness
Hip-hop
Indie kids - munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever
Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite
Morales v Barrera III
Music Sounds Better With You(tube)
NME cool list
Playlouder Reviews
Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke
Stan Collymore
The Streets
Vertigolf
War Winehouse!
We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite
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