Every bastard breathing had a great idea in December 2009: let's identify what defined the decade we just survived. It was hard to avoid the conclusion that Big Brother was its most influential TV show. When television wasn't inventing reality TV formats every day of the week, it was satirising them. You had Charlie Brooker's Dead Set, Peter Kay's Britain's Got the Pop Factor and Possibly a New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice1 There was also the final episode of Extras which superbly satirised Celebrity Big Brother which started its final series on Sunday as brazen, look-a-me and shameless as ever. It started with 11 hopefuls abandoning all hope as they scaled the steps and entered the building that has seen more heartache, misery and deviance than 25 Cromwell Street. The roll call is a sorry one.
"Right before he entered Baldwin told Davina 'I plan on being a representation of the light of truth.' Good luck with that. He'll be comfort masturbating in a big nappy by the end of the first week, praying like Job for God's deliverance"
Stephen Baldwin. The youngest of the Baldwin brothers, former hellraiser and now born-again Christian with his own ministry. He comes across as the world's most appalling snatch and this naturally makes him a great addition to the house. Right before he entered he told Davina "I plan on being a representation of the light of truth." Good luck with that. He'll be comfort masturbating in a big nappy by the end of the first week, praying like Job for God's deliverance. But as we know, in Elstree there is no God but Big Brother
Sisqo - I hate this shitbird for the song that made his name where he promotes the sporting of thongs. Of course the chump rolled up performing the song with some rank stagecraft and was out of breath after four bars. The idea that wearing thongs is somehow sexy is probably the most obnoxious cultural meme of the noughties. Is there a bigger lie gay men and other women tell women?
"Three women in history who can pull off short hair successfully: Nefertiti, Joan of Arc and Natalie Imbruglia. The rest of you - forget it. You look like a fucking rent boy."
Actually, there is: "that much shorter haircut looks fantastic!" There are probably three women in history who can pull off short hair successfully: Nefertiti, Joan of Arc and Natalie Imbruglia. The rest of you - forget it. You look like a fucking rent boy. And your arse look heinous in a thong. Just remember every time you wear one of those things you're a lineal fashion descendant of Peter Stringfellow. You think about that shit
Nicola T - ~sigh~ a page three girl. I've been arguing for some time that all versions of Big Brother should bar women who've had a bunch of toxic shit surgically stuck in their tits. Not for moralist, feminist or aesthetic reasons but because they are truly, madly, deeply boring. They are either going to get ogled and patronised like Sophie Reade, 2009 winner, or lionised and bullied like Jodie Marsh (and people often say "yeah but it was Jodie Marsh, nause made flesh, don't you think she deserves to be bullied?" Well, no I don't. You think she deserves to take shit from Michael Barrymore? Michael Barrymore - world's worst swimming pool attendant? Or that woman hating freak Pete Burns? Fuck outta here.)
"I've been arguing for some time that all versions of Big Brother should bar women who've had a bunch of toxic shit stuck in their tits. Not for moralist, feminist or aesthetic reasons but because they are truly, madly, deeply boring."
I guess what I'm saying is that fake tits bring out the worst in everyone and make for terrible television.
And fake tits are what brings us the fourth contestant Alex Reid. He's famous for putting his cock in Jordan and he really couldn't pick a worse time to start dating her. The public have got over their period of loving her and remembering the bluff, tough, tells-it-like-it-is survivor who was touched up as a teenager, had a blind baby and got fucked over by Dwight Yorke. Now she's the avaricious skank who dumped loving father Peter Andre. So Reid's really up against it as a perma-orange crossdressing cage fighter as the crowd's hostile welcome for his entrance confirmed.
"Bower was a founder member of the R&B boyband Another Shower of Cunts Level. He got punched in the cock by Alex Reid the night before their entry."
He says he hopes to turn some of those boos into cheers and he'd better be one charming motherfucker if he hopes to do that. You're already guilty by association in their eyes, son.
Stephanie Beacham - remembered mainly for her signature 80s role as super bitch vixen hellcat Sable Colby in The Colbys although Aerial Telly remembers her chiefly as Connie in Connie the 1985 rag trade drama which was an addictive, overblown melodramatic potboiler where people referred to loving relationships as "love jobs". It's safe to say we won't be seeing many love jobs in the Big Brother house.
Lady Sovereign - best known for being a terrible rapper and laughable singer, Lady Pov talks as if she is black. She isn't.
"Fleiss now has a face like Edvard Munch's The Scream and the world-weary air of someone who has seen people at their worst and knows deep down in her cold core that there can't be love for there is no true love"
Dane Bowers - the producer singer songwriter of such hits as Victoria Beckunt's "Out Of Your Mind". He was a founder member of the R&B boyband, Another Shower of Cunts Level. He got punched in the cock by Alex Reid the night before their entry and he used to put said cock in Jordung back in the diday. Bowers comes across OK which shows you can't judge someone by appearance, past lovers, music or everything they've ever said or done. For real. Y'heard?
Heidi Fleiss - the legendary Hollywood whoremonger got three years in the slammer for running high-end pussy in Tinseltown and now has a face like Edvard Munch's The Scream and the world-weary air of someone who has seen people at their worst and knows deep down in their cold core that there can't be love for there is no true love. Fleiss stoically kept her list of famous clients secret throughout the prison years but the eggyness between her and Baldwin may offer a clue to at least one of her family loyalty card discount patrons.
"You can't really blame Katia for striking while the travel iron is hot but all the other stuff? Yeah, you can blame her for that. In fact, I insist."
Katia Ivanova - famous for juggling the cocaine-and-Jack soused nuts of Ronnie Wood in her pretty little Kazakhstani mouth. You can't really blame her for taking the one-off payday and striking while the travel iron is hot but all the other stuff? Yeah, you can blame her for that. In fact, I insist.
Jonas Altberg - operating under the soubriquet Basshunter, Jonas is involved in the production of dance music and therefore a worthless piece of shit who deserves no further discussion. Seems a nice enough fella (like you care)
Vinnie Jones - awful, awful hod-carrying thug footballer turned actor, Jones has appeared in close to 50 films ranging from Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties to The Midnight Meat Train. He's currently favourite to win. Give me a break, Jake.
So in they went, leaving their dignity at the door. It'll be the last time wayward validation seeking celebrity puts itself and us through this and while this is a good thing the infection it brought with it has already spread. Whoever exits the house last to flashing lightbulbs and screaming mongs is irrelevant. The die is cast. Big Brother's sons and daughters are everywhere. He has already won.
The best thing about it: Right now the shite Baldwin is running tings.
The worst thing about it: Vinnie Jones as favourite.
1 Not particularly relevant but isn't that the worst title you ever heard? Britain's Got the Pop Factor would be fine - yes, I see what you're doing there: combining three shows Britain's Got Talent, Pop Idol and X Factor and combining them into a five word title. Good for you. But they just had to show that they'd heard of some other reality TV shows as well and add New Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly on Ice which they kept on repeating throughout the show was just horrible. On the nose comic thuggery.