"Little boys and girls - they all love me" rapped Ice Cube in a line that could very well have been written by Aerial Telly for it is true that I have the Shining with children. Like some women attract abusive partners and Channel 5 attracts budget American TV shows I attract smiling children in my wake expecting me to entertain them. I don't know what it is but for as long as I can remember I've had this strange hold on humans under 10. Pied Piper ain't got shit on me.

"I'm often called upon to entertain, divert and entrance other people's spawn."

As such, I'm often called upon to entertain, divert and entrance other people's spawn. No problem there - wee folk are almost human half the time. And like all other important celebrities entrusted with the nation's youth a key tool in my entertainment arsenal is the CBeebies website.

Often deployed as the nuclear option for the screaming toddler, CBeebies is visual Ritalin for the ADHD generation. Give me a sugared up, e-number addled ankle biter and I'll have them sat still, respecting boundaries and engaged in constructive learning so fast you'll swear my name is Supernanny. My accomplices are many but to name a few:

"Buster was questioned by Australian police in connection with the murder of Peter Falconio but the weird girl with the nice rack said he never done it."

Koala Brothers - a pair of alcoholic Australian outback dwelling bears, Frank and Buster. Seem to spend much of their time catching postal parcels from leaking aeroplanes. Buster was questioned by Australian police in connection with the murder of Peter Falconio but was released without charge. The weird girl with the nice rack said he never done it.

Pingu - nonsense spouting Penguin, not too steady on his feet. Possibly due to spending time with the Koala Brothers I'm not sure.

Balamory - just like a regular Scottish town except the people speak English. Introduced by Miss Hoolie, a kindly lady addicted to prescription painkillers. Beneath the quaint idyllic surface there beats a dark heart. Luckily, we never get to see it.

Teletubbies - gigantic franchise leviathan that speaks kiddie Esperanto translating effortlessly into whichever culture it is beamed. There are illiterate poppy farmers in the mountains of Afghanistan less reliant on the worldwide heroin trade than the BBC is reliant on Teletubbies.

The BBC seem to have hit upon a universal hypnotic trigger that sends pre-schoolers into a transcendent state it would take a Zen master a lifetime to achieve. In 1997 alone it pulled in £23m in profits for the corporation's sales division through sales of the show and merchandise associated with it

You can quite safely leave your children alone in a house for several hours while the Teletubbies DVD is on. In fact I recommend it. Have a break - you've earned it and so have they.

"Fond of playing hide and seek which is ironic as no matter how many times I hide his page, children seem to find it."

Boo - incomprehensibly successful patchwork ragdoll who looks like he's been used to clean the attic. Fond of playing hide and seek which is ironic as no matter how many times I hide his page, children seem to find it.

Of course, half the battle for those developing a kids' portal is keeping the parents on-board. What keeps adults locked onto the CBeebies website is the games. I don't care how badass you are on your Playstation I challenge you not to get ridiculously competitive over Boo Fling A Fish

The fact that these games were designed to improve the neuronal response in the oxygen starved brain of a four year-old with learning difficulties won't matter. There are grades and rankings and that means rewards and validation. Many's the time I have elbowed my young charges out of the way to achieve a perfect seal feeding score in Fling A Fish. Yeah, that's right - go running to mammy, crybaby. They love it really.

"the real taste test is whether or not it shuts the little bastards up when you switch it on. It does."

There's an insane karaoke section where you can sing along to such classics as Hey Binka whose lyrics go a lil' something like: ba ba ba badada da, ba badada da da, HEY BINKA! (repeat and rinse for 40 minutes).

You can waste time debating whether this or that will teach them their colours, numbers and letters but the real taste test is whether or not it shuts the little bastards up when you switch it on. It does. It engages, challenges and charms them also but the central point is that it shuts them the hell up.

And who knew that was possible without paracetamol and masking tape?

The best thing about it: Playing Doodle Do Pac-Man. Getting caught is a Doodle Don't!

The worst thing about it: Moaning parents when you accidentally give their little darlings a playful slap for interrupting your attempt at the high score on Pingu Keepy Uppy.

The verdict on CBeebies website: If only they put this much thought into their light entertainment output.

Marks out of 10: 8