I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that facial hair will appear on King Arthur (Jamie Campbell Bower) as his kingliness rises. Because as the blonde fruit stands with wafer thin credibility, shaved like Hollywood quim in Camelot‘s ruins, and King Lot (James Purefoy) calls him a "beardless bastard" Arthur swallows something hard and jagged. He knows Lot is right. He is but boy – more suited to an episode of Skins than your sword and sorcery. His claim to the throne is as illegitimate as his birth (and that’s a lot because his birth father Uther Pendragon was totally not married to Queen Igraine when he put his cock in her). Truth be told, Arturd has no idea what he’s doing here. He was a country bumpkin just days before so what gives? As is often the case in these scenarios, somebody had a vision.
"As the blonde fruit stands with wafer thin credibility in Camelot’s ruins, shaved like Hollywood quim, King Lot calls him a ‘beardless bastard’. Arthur swallows something hard and jagged. He knows Lot is right. He is but boy."
That somebody being Merlin (Joseph Fiennes), warrior-monk sorcerer and Dark Ages powerbroker. He saw Arthur (raised by commoner plebs as their own) bring England glory and seeks to clear a path for his succession. It’s not going to be easy with his crazy half sister Morgan (Eva Green) running around plotting her own path to the throne. She’s crazy enough, in fact, to poison their father King Uther, prompting the constitutional crisis. Morgan rubberstamps an alliance with King Twot with her fanny by fucking the living shit out of him. Later for that shuttle democracy shit.
"Yes, it’ll probably end up as a gigantic bag of shite. Yes, it’s a racing certainty
Blowseph Whines will revert to form and nause me into near fatal septicaemia."
Which means that Arturd has his work cut out and things don’t get any easier when Lot impales the woman he’s been calling mother all these years on his sword for kicks. Arturd howls in protest but the skank is worm food, leaving him to establish a relationship with his real mom Queen Migraine. She’s a real headache. This boy will have mommy issues bigger than John Lennon‘s.
The show itself, though, isn’t quite as disturbed. They may actually have something here. Yes, it’ll probably end up as a gigantic bag of shite. Yes, it’s a racing certainty Blowseph Whines will revert to form and nause me into near fatal septicaemia. And yes by the time we get to Lanceloss, Excalibore and the Holy Fail I’ll likely be self harming like an Emilie Autumn completist. But let’s make YAY while the sun shines. Eva Green is pretty hilarious as Morgan – swivel necked, bog eyed and tautly pied; James Purefoy plays a mean villain in Lot and Starz look like they mean business – much like they did when they made their last medieval drama Pillars of the Earth. Let’s see if they fancy doing some damage.
The verdict on Camelot: So far, s’alright.
Marks out of 10: 7
Imagined: Thursday 3 March 2011