Previously on By Any Means: we’re renegade cops, we do what we want. On this week’s show there’s a dead chick in a judge’s car and it’s a slamdunk guilty as charged for the chief suspect. Kimberly Brooks (Sacha Parkinson) is the broad, Peter Hopkins is the judge. Her lipstick is in the glove compartment, her panties are under the passenger seat, he’s got no alibi and computurd files suggests he was banging her. Make no mistake about it: Judge Peter Hopkins did it.
Only he never. Helen the mystery lady says she knows Peeturd Plopkins and he would never poo it. Bent cop Joe Tyrus (Neil Maskell Arby from Utopia) is setting him up. It was HIM who kidnapped Kimberly, killed her then dumped her in Plopkins’ boot. Then he hacked his computer and planted evidence of an affair with Kimberly. This guy certainly knows how to bear a grudge. Plopkins helped put Tyrus away by spearheading Operation Golden Shower, an investigation into crooked cops. Tyrus is now a private investigator and if Plopkins gets put away then every case he was involved in will be reopened. What a rat. It’s time for BAM squad to get to work.
Only he never. Helen the mystery lady says she knows Peeturd Plopkins and he would never poo it.
Jess, posing as a legal type from Plopkins’ defence team, hires Tyrus to find a witness in the Kimberley murder. Yuri Dvorak is the name – a one night stand who may have been stalking her. This gives Tyrus the willies. If Yurine was stalking her he may have witnessed him murdering her.
Tyrus liaises with journalist Coleen Parker (Stephanie Leonidas last seen playing in Irisa in Defiance and if this comes as a surprise to you you’re not alone. Shorty is smoking) and it’s been a fruitful relationship so far. But when Quinn hits up Coleen with a photo of a Cabinet Minister’s wife snorting coke (gained by mystery girl Helen from her seemingly bottomless handbag of Weird Shit) she’s impressed. She’s further impressed when he tells her he knows Plopkins never done it and will prove it.
As all this goes on TomTom fabricates an online footprint for Yurine that Tyrus is only too eager to scamper around. He’s also after Jack Quinn for undermining his relationship with Colleen. When the meeting between them comes it is bad-tempered and Jack issues a terse GTFO. As Tyrus leaves who should he run into but Jess Legaltype telling him that he can do one because she’s now in bed with Jack Quinn private dick, PI to the stars. It could be worse for Tyrus – he’s planted a bug in the office. That’ll show Jack Quim!
He’s also after Jack Quinn for undermining his relationship with Colleen. When the meeting between them comes it is bad-tempered and Jack issues a terse GTFO.
Only it kind of won’t because they were kind of counting on that and when they confirm the bug’s existence the BAM crew can feed him all kinds of crazy bullshit. TomTom, posing as Yurine, tells of the photos he has of the real killer as Tyrus listens in. Quinn celebrates the coup by having sex with Hot Irisa. While he’s banging her Tyrus steals the Skype history from his laptop. Like MC Ren he’s sneaky as fuck when it comes to crime.
A well-placed phone call later and Tyrus walks in on TomTom which was the last thing Yurine was expecting. He was waiting for the Skype call to unmask Tyrus at the newspaper. Oh well. TomTom takes a few slaps and Tyrus is all “yes! I killed her to frame the judge so he can rot in prison!” and in walk the BAM crew having recorded his confession. What the…?
They explain to him that they knew all along that he’d steal the Skype history, trace the address, punch TomTom in the tits because they so clev and he a big dummy. Ha! Wanker! Then they all jizz over his face while Jess shaves off her pubes to give him an angry gorilla. When they say By Any Means they fucking mean it.
Then they all jizz over his face while Jess shaves off her pubes to and give him an angry gorilla. When they say By Any Means they fucking mean it.
If you thought they were above violent sexual assault that just shows that you know the square root of dick about them. Don’t play with them boys. Peeturd Plopkins lives to judge another day and Coleen gets her exclusive. Then there’s a really stupid bit which should never have made it to the final cut where Kimberly’s mom comes in brandishing a revolver. They give her the short shift she deserves the crazy bitch. These people.
The verdict: Better than last week.
Marks out of 10: 7.5