Restorative justice stresses accountability. It brings the offenders face-to-face with the victims and confronts them about how their actions have affected others. It sometimes makes them say sorry. "Hey vic – high-five the scrote! He totally made amends." That’s one way of doing it. Another way is to get them to step into the cage with a trained MMA fighter so they can get the ever-loving shit kicked out of them. This is an approach favoured by Bully Beatdown – a kind of Jim’ll Fix It with choke hold; the show that put the "Gah! That really hurts!" in restorative justice.
"Mayhem makes the bully an offer he can’t understand: $10,000 to get it on with an MMA fighter. Instead of telling him to piss off the bully always says yes figuring that knocking out half a dozen out of condition glass jaw street punks is the perfect preparation for facing down a peak condition professional trained killer."
Hosted by former MMA maniac Jason "Mayhem" Miller (a Muay Thai Sonic the Hedgehog), the format is simple enough. Bullying victims send in tapes that tell sorry tales of broken noses, Chinese burns, secret goldfish and nipple cripple. Suitably enraged, Mayhem tracks down the bully to his lair and makes him an offer he can’t understand: $10,000 ("TEN GEEEEEEEEZ" in Mayhemspeak) to get it on with an MMA fighter. Instead of telling him to piss off, the bully always says yes figuring that knocking out half a dozen out-of-condition glass jaw street punks is the perfect preparation for facing down a peak condition professional trained killer. Durrrr.
But TEN GEEEEEEEEZ is a lot of money only they’re not going to see most of it as the amount they get depends on their performance in the cage. In round one, the grappling round, $5,000 is at stake and the bully loses $1000 every time he is forced to submit (or “tap out"). Every cent of the money he loses goes straight into the pocket of his victims – now that’s restorative justice we can all get behind. Then if he gets through that the other $5,000 is at stake in round two: the kickboxing round. All he has to do here is not get knocked the FUCK OUT. This is harder than it sounds as kickboxers are really all about knocking you the FUCK OUT as swiftly as possible. Hulk SMASH and KILL. RAWWRRRRR!
"Jeremy Williams is best known for body slamming Lennox Lewis twice in sparring because he’s a gigantic twat who doesn’t how to do his job properly."
Mayhem can scarcely contain his glee at the bully’s comeuppance. In fact, he doesn’t bother – glee containment comes a poor second to sprinting down to the octagon, scaling the cage and shouting jackass witticisms at the tormented shithead. In fairness, this is pretty funny and it’s not like the chump doesn’t deserve it.
Incidentally,in the corner of the bullies each week is Jeremy Williams best known for dishing out atrocious Buddy McGirtisms in the corner of The Cuntendturd and body slamming Lennox Lewis twice in sparring because he’s a gigantic twat who doesn’t how to do his job properly. 1
You probably think this is a dumb show. You’re probably right but at a time when reality TV has less credibility than a Michael Jackson paternity claim you can say with relative certainty that these bullies are unpleasant people and with total certainty that they do get a good beating. But doesn’t violence beget more violence? Maybe but restorative justice is about putting the needs of the victims first and the victims here are loving it so I’m fine with that.
The really interesting thing though is that the bully would get a much bigger and better ass kicking from a professional boxer who wasn’t just throwing arm punches and wasn’t wasting time checking out his tattoos or removing his scrotum from his opponent’s mouth. It’s a vastly superior sport, remember?
The best thing about it: The kickboxing round where the real punishment is dished out.
The worst thing about it: The grappling round. Specious nonsense.
The verdict on Bully Beatdown: Make it boxing and this thing could run forever.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
1 Please note the restraint Aerial Telly exhibits in not making the obvious "and Jeremy Williams is no better" joke.
Imagined: Thursday July 09, 2009