Alec chases the papers of Lee and Claire up-and-down the streets with the desperate futility that has become his trademark. Exasperated, he turns to berate Smellie.
“What’s the point of you, Miller?” I think we’ve all asked that at some point, to be fair. They argue bitterly over who is Britain’s Shittest Cop and that neck-and-neck battle is currently the most exciting thing about the show. In a rage, Alec illegally drives to his gaffe where he is greeted by Lee who punches him right in the balls. Claire’s there too. Hi Claire!
It seems Lee isn’t too crazy about Alex secretly bugging him. I hate to point it out but when you publicly bug someone it does somewhat lose its impact.
“I’ll tell you everything you missed at Sandbrook when you stop pissing me about!” says Lee before GTFO.
As all that plays out, Smellie catches up with Beth who doesn’t want as useless a cop as her accompanying her home but it looks like she has no choice. They get back to the Latimers’ and dump Beth in the birthing pool. It’s a spectacularly annoying birth. A beautiful baby boy.
Smellie GTFO shortly afterwards but Mark holds his new son proudly and addresses him.
“I’m going to take such good care of you”
“No offence bro” responds the baby “But significant recent evidence suggests otherwise”
“I’ll get it right this time,” responds Mark
“I’m right fucking here, dad,” says Chloe the cokehead.
Fucking Mark, man.
At 6 a.m. it’s an early start for Britain’s shittest barrister Jocelyn who knocks down a bottle of wine as she prepares her case. It’s a busy day for her. She visits the old people’s home and feeds her shit mom gruel and cabbage. The manager tells her that she’s in large arrears with the home fees. It would be a terrible shame to dump mom out on the streets to fend for herself. Jocelyn doesn’t look too bothered by the prospect. She herself is about 3 million years old and working like a bastard on keeping Paedo Joe inside. Driving home at midnight half-asleep, she decides to entertain the other road users.
“And for my next impersonation – Grace Kelly!”
She crashes into a tree like fucking retard. Fucking Jocelyn. What a train wreck.
Over on the defence benches, Sharon rises even earlier at 3:30 a.m. to get some early drinking done and also to visit her twat son in prison. He’s still got six years left on his sentence and I expect at some point he’ll have some really interesting intell from inside that will blow the case wide open.
Once they get to court, Alec continues his stellar testimony. The second phone Danny had, given him by Paedo Joe, seems particularly damning. And yet when Sharon cross-examines Alec over the text messages, a heartwarming surrogate father-son relationshit emerges.
“Why does nobody understand me like you do?” asks Danny
“It’s because you have shit parents who beat you regularly,” responds Paedo Joe.
And on all the emails exchanged between the two from the Miller family computer, Sharon thinks it could have been anyone, most notably Smellie. Nice try Sharon but that assumes Smellie has some kind of competence – a notion the jury, public gallery and judge openly laugh at.
That assumes Smellie has some kind of competence – a notion the jury, public gallery and judge openly laugh at.
Give credit where it’s due though. Smellie may be a spectacularly inept cop but she’s a great people person. She bonds further with Claire and they decide to get slaughtered together in Broadchurch’s top nightspot The Shit Cop and Paedo. It’s not long before two blokes from the blind school start eyeing them up. It’s on!
Smellie hasn’t had a ride from a non-sex offender this century so she goes all out to get some of that sweet visually impaired dick.
“I can’t believe I’m fucking a model!” he said as he pounds away at her beef jerky knicker kebab, his guide dog putting both paws over his eyes in despair.
“Say you love me!” says Smellie, desperately imagining that she’s being spit roasted by Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles.
He busts a nut and then pisses on her. Or maybe that was in Tyrannosaur.
As they compare notes on their lame ass one-night stands later, Smellie asks Claire what happened on the night the Sandbrook cousins disappeared. Claire tells her that Lee doped her up with rohypnol and that she awoke at five a.m. to Lee cleaning the whole house.
“Awesome!” says Smellie “I wish more men pulled their weight around the house.”
Fucking Smellie, man. She’s a complete bollocks when called to testify in court as well.
Sharon cross-examines her on her marriage to Paedo Joe. She confirms that he was no kind of weirdo, had no interest in S&M and she found no child porn on his person during their marriage. She really melts down though when Sharon accuses her of having an affair with Alec Hardy. The very idea!
Later that night, Lee visits Alec with a bag of evidence he personally collated on Sandbrook. He interviewed many key witnesses, posing as Alec. DI Hardy is understandably appalled
“I should charge you with impersonating a police officer!”
Funny, I’ve been saying the same about Alec for years.