As we join him, Alec lectures a roomful of police cadets with all the inspirational fire of Michael Owen addressing his fan club in his yearly email round robin. His boss tells him to stop being such a gonk and get with the program, specifically the program of getting through a lecture without any of his charges self-harming. For Alec, that sounds too much like an actual job. He misses being Alec Hardy, Britain’s Shittest Cop three years running. Fortunately for Alec, he made such a balls of Sandbrook that he’ll likely be mopping up the mess until he dies (six weeks, latest estimate).
Evil Lee contacts Claire to tell her he love her longtime and that he’s close. He meets with Alec and demands a meeting with his ex. Alec persuades Ellie to persuade Claire to see Lee. They bond over their paedo husblands. They’ll fix Lee together. Claire agrees. Ellie immediately celebrates her triumph by bursting in on a crime scene and sexually harassing the SOCO guy from series one who asked her out when she was still only Britain’s second shittest cop, married and had a career. Unsurprisingly, he invents a phantom girlfriend before running out into busy traffic.
“FML” she says.
She also has to take Jocelyn pissing in her ear about her assaulting Paedo Joe after his confession.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Kicking ass, beyaatch!” says Ellie, launching into a deeply embarrassing Dougie.
Over on the defence benches, Bishop and Abby are still working out a strategy to get Paedo Joe off. They’re in situ at Becca’s hotel. It seems that Bishop is a Foghorn Leghorn sounding calamity with some bullshit family issues. I can only imagine how exciting that will end up being.
The Latimers meanwhile invite Jocelyn around to a crowd scene of Broadchurch’s gump alumni. It’s not what Jocelyn was expecting but she addresses them nonetheless.
“A criminal trial is a detailed unpredictable process” she tells them “And the prospect of you dingbat yokels comprehending any of it is as remote as the prospect of Ellie getting through this series without getting someone killed.”
“The prospect of you dingbat yokels comprehending any of it is as remote as the prospect of Ellie getting through this series without getting someone killed.”
Hm. It’s an interesting take.
“It’s on everyone in this room – everyone in this town”.
Oh no pressure then, you old bitch. Jesus.
Trial day one arrives and Judge Meera Syal brings Sharon and Jocelyn into her chambers demanding “courtesy, decency and respect” in the courtroom at all times. There’s a brief silence before they all collapse in helpless gales of laughter, wiping tears from their eyes and banging their fists on the desk.
“You slags crack me up,” says the Judge “Nah, have at it – go for the throat. I don’t give a fuck about this dead kid or the baldy paedo. Just don’t stink the joint out with an objection every 10 seconds, yeah? I’m working through this Sudoko book.”
Those terms seem agreeable. During the opening addresses Jocelyn says that he totes done it and Sharon counters that he blates never. Both make compelling arguments. First up is Beth Latimer and while cross-examining, Sharon asks her about any affairs in the marriage.
“I dunno. Something in a bony skank running a hotel?”
“Oh yeah. He was putting his cock in one of those, right enough.”
“And how about Mark punching Danny in the balls? Any of that?”
“Only once he was really asking for it,” she responds “Or maybe he wasn’t. Makes you think though – it certainly sounds bad for Mark. He might think twice now about sticking his dong in the first passed-her-best Australian whore who comes along.”
Mark looks on from the public gallery all “WTF?”
Next up is Alec who gets a rough ride from Sharon.
“Is it true that you’re known as Britain Worst Cop?”
“No! Miller is much worse!”
Sharon brings up the sprained vagina Ellie put on Paedo Joe. It’s a slamdunk case of police brutality and she gets the confession thrown out of evidence. Nice work, Ellie!
But there’s more to Laurel and Hardy than fucking up the Broadchurch case. They do equally sterling work in fucking up Sandbrook even further. After setting up the summit meeting between Lee and Claire in Ellie’s living room, they conspire to allow him to escape with her when Ellie gets distracted by a pushing match with Beth. As Mrs Latimer’s waters break, Alec and Ellie look at each other as if to say “so which one is the shittest cop in Britain now?”
Not gonna lie. I can’t split them.