Broadchurch is back! Wooooooo!! There ain’t no party like Broadchurch party. Not that you’d know it looking at this mob – freshly demoted Smellie’s walking around with a face like a slapped arse giving speeding tickets to the terminally ill and telling her shrink about her hammer murder fantasies. And Alec’s popping pills like a little bitch and getting shirty with Maggie and Olly from the Boredchurch Echo as they interview him for their three-page puff piece “Now Britain’s Second Shittest Cop”.
It should be a celebration. Everyone’s off to Wessex Cunty Court to see Joe Miller plead guilty to killing Fanny Latimer a few months back. Mark, Beth and Chloe Latimer are there – drinking in the atmosphere, taking selfies, signing autographs. It’s a great day out. Meanwhile, below in the underground nonce box Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar prays with Paedo Joe before his big moment.
Mark, Beth and Chloe Latimer are there – drinking in the atmosphere, taking selfies, signing autographs. It’s a great day out.
“Be strong” he tells him “And try not to fuck any kids”.
Joe’s brief Abby Thompson ( Phoebe Waller-Bridge) tells him it’ll be a piece of piss: eyes straight ahead, face the judge, plead guilty, GTFO. Simple. OK, let’s get on with it.
“How do you plead?” ask the clerk.
“Not guilty!” says Joe with a cheeky wink. Oh Joe! Woddyeloike?? It’s like you can’t trust child killers to do the right thing these days.
But if Joe’s going to trial he’ll need some seriously handy Queen’s Counsel fighting his corner, no? Step forward Sharon Bishop QC (Marianne Jean-Baptiste) a rough, tough, ruthless hellcat – red in tooth and claw. Sharon offers no quarter, gives no fuck and always plays to win. She has to – she was trained by the best: Jocelyn Knight QC (Charlotte Rampling) who happens to be prosecuting the case. Her original GTFO turned into “oh, alright then” once she saw her pupil grabbing the limelight. Like some Channel 5 karate flick the student faces the master. It should be epic.
But who’s this broad Alec’s got snaffled away in Boredchurch? That would be Claire Ripley (Eve Myles) former wife of Sandbrook chief suspect Lee Ashworth (James D’Arcy). Alec’s got Claire under unofficial police protection after he clusterfucked the Sandbrook case and let Lee walk free. He’s doing a bang up job as well because she’s totally not dead yet.
Only thing is that Lee’s in Boredchurch and he’s kind of being a dick. Exactly how many people will Alec and Smellie get killed before this show is over? To put a figure on it would be rank speculation but one thing we do know is this: Dead Fanny is making an unlikely reappearance. The prosecution decide to haul his stinky carcass out of the ground to have a good old poke around in it.
Christ, it’s Jimmy Savile all over again.
The verdict: A good return.
Marks out of 10: 8