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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
VH1
In a nutshell: Stick Britney Spears in a room full of mirrors 'til she gets 50 years of bad luck.
The 411: Can you handle my truth? It's an arresting title for the first episode of a reality TV show. It speaks of a few too many hours of airport departure lounge self-help reading or bleary-eyed daytime telly talk-show surfing in expensive hotel rooms. But it's a fair point - can somebody as famous as Britney Spears still deal with anyone's reality? Can you handle hers?
"She comes across as a sweet, plain-speaking trollop with a lot of time to kill who likes to think about, you know, stuff."
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic (executive producers Britney Spears and Kevin Federline) is all about Britney turning the camera on herself and her kerrazy lifestyle. The series kicks off with her touring Britain, dragging Kevin Federline, a drawling alpha male redneck (with a vulnerable heart he hides even from himself yuh-huh), along with her.
Dealing as she does with music business parasites and sycophantic cabbages every day you could forgive Britney her lapses into delusion. But she comes across as a sweet, plain-speaking trollop with a lot of time to kill who likes to think about, you know, stuff.
The series starts with Britney doorstepping her tour entourage with "what do you feel about commitment and marriage?" She doesn't believe in marriage - 'cept for those two times she got married - and admits that she is a Bitter Betty which, tragically, does not involve a liking for Old Speckled Hen. I think it means that Justin Timberlake is now engaged to Cameron Diaz, the one celebrity on the planet spottier than her.
Poor old Britney - you can't help liking her. Consumed by ambition yet can't sing a note. With her piggy eyes, stumpy little legs and bad skin she's an unlikely sex symbol. But scrubbing up well and a phenomenal work-rate count for a lot in the business we all know Britney's been doing this shit since The Mousketeers.
She seems preoccupied with gurning at the camera and telling everyone how many times she's had sex that day. Like a glammed up version of the Mel B character from Bo Selecta ("now and again we do a bit of fooking").
"Like a glammed up a version of the Mel B character from Bo Selecta ("now and again we do a bit of fooking")."
Britney is common as muck and unlike, say, Victoria Beckham she has no pretensions to be otherwise. Britney revels in her trailer trash roots and lets everyone know it.
Continuing with her in-your-face vox pops Britney asks every damn fool she meets "what's your favourite sexual position?" like she's angling for Graham Norton's job or something.
This is Britney: funny, filthy, common. She's your everyday girl. The girl next door (if you happen to live next to the Clampetts).
The best thing about it: Britney's theories about, y'know, life and stuff.
The worst thing about it: Once you get past the fact that it's Britney Spears, it is pretty dull.
The verdict on Britney and Kevin: Chaotic: Not just an innocent girl
Marks out of 10: 6
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AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
2007: your relationshit is going nowhere
2008 - Napoleon Boneypie finally faces her Waterloo.
50 ways to grieve your lover
Aerial Telly - Black Irish bastard with the heart of a warrior and the soul of a poet
Aerial Telly - high functioning sociopath with narcissistic tendencies
Aerial Telly is not saying he had sex with Kate McCann but...
Aerial Telly loves Joni Mitchell but Little Green is not a deeply moving account of a mother's love for her child. It is an account of how Joni Mitchell gave up her child for money, fame and cock
Aerial Telly will not be sexing Doctor Kate McCann
Amy, for the love of God eat some chips you loopy cunt
Apology for slavery
The big veiny cock arms of love are strangling Brad Pitt
Get stuffed you creeps - Aerial Telly is the best thing that ever happened to you and you know it
Handsome, talented and a sensational lay - but life is not all roses for Aerial Telly
Happy Christmas cock smokers
Having trouble with your long-turd relationshit? Relax, it's not just you.
It was the best of weeks, it was the worst of weeks
Kate McCann requests Aerial Telly phone number.
Ladies - time to ditch the borefriend and get with a real man
Let's get this straight - they drugged her, killed her, sat on her body for three weeks then dumped her in the ocean? Fuck you, Johnny Incompetentos...
Mea culpa - you a cunta
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Sympathy For The Devil
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Your breath smells like a thousand miles of shit.
AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING
200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice
Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser
Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory
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Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?
Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler
Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year
O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got
OK, you Appalachian pissdrinkers get this - Winky Wright to beat Bernard Hopkins at evens is a phenomenal bet, the type that comes around once a century
Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57
Scandinavian betting giant's eyes water as they take a balls deep ass fucking from Aerial Telly
Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is
You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62
TV REVIEWS (cont'd)
Pushing Daisies series premiere...
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Rome Season One
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Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir
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We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite
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