It began as it always should: with two shite sisters; fat, middle-aged and fucked. As fucked as Steve Brookstein’s career, as fucked as Celine Dion’s teeth, as fucked as Andrew Stone at a Michael Barrymore pool party. They were of course called Doubletake like you’d be walking down a road, see them, do a doubletake and go "wow, what a pair of foxes" rather than, say, "the milk’s gone bad!" Rick James in Studio 54 style. Anyway, the fat girls played Salvation Army tambourines ("timbrels" they insisted) and performed a vibrant routine that showcased their uncanny ability to hit a percussion instrument with their hands and had their bingo wings flapping joyfully in the breeze. During the judging, Amanda Holden criticised them for showing no emotion which is a bit rich coming from somebody whose ability to express emotion died with her last botox shot. They were quickly shitcanned, the first ritual sacrifice to sate the public’s lust for humiliation was completed. Britain’s Got Talent was back.
"During the judging, Amanda Holden criticised them for showing no emotion which is a bit rich coming from somebody whose ability to express emotion died with her last botox shot."
One problem BGT faces as it enters its fourth serious is that the wacky acts are getting a little too knowing. Kevin Cruise, a one-man act based on a cruise liner entertainer character, angled desperately for that Stavros Flatley "shit but we know it so vote for us thx plz" slot. He was rank, unfunny and a shattering nause but got through. I could really do without this recurring shitemare.
Then there are the people who seem to have come to the wrong audition. A woman walked on with a giant parrot on her shoulder and announced that it would eat mashed potato from a fork. It refused and bit her. She wasn’t looking for fame – she was looking for her marbles.
"I’m not quite sure why we need a 10-year-old Vera Lynn impersonator but as that pudding headed fuck Piers Morgan pointed out it would be a perfect act for the Royal Variety Performance."
Yet there is always something to warm the heart and it came in the form of 10-year-old Chloe Hickinbottom who channelled Vera Lynn singing White Cliffs of Dover remarkably accurately. Chillingly so, in fact. It reminded you of a horror film where the dead take over children’s personalities and voices. I’m not quite sure why we need a 10-year-old Vera Lynn impersonator but as that pudding headed fuck Piers Morgan pointed out it would be a perfect act for the Royal Variety Performance.
The most disturbing portion of the opening show was the return of 13 year-old drummer Kieran Gaffney who just missed out on the semis last year. In a baffling move, Kieran decided to return in a three-piece combo Mixed Emotions featuring him and his parents. Baffling, that is, until you see his parents – a mutton dressed as lamb mum and a renal failure dressed as darts legend Bobby George dad – the tryhard wannabe embarrassments curbstomping their son’s drumming dreams to a bloody pulp with what is certain to go down as the most morally offensive performance in the history of the TV talent show.
"His parents – a mutton dressed as lamb mum and a renal failure dressed as darts legend Bobby George dad – the tryhard wannabe embarrassments curb stomping their son’s drumming dreams to a bloody pulp."
Having stunk the joint out so badly many audience members needed oxygen masks, mum and dad were quickly told to piss off and Kieran came back later on a solo tip, did his Little Drummer Boy thing and got through. Well, good for him but I don’t think this is the way forward. He’s 13 and he can drum – so what? He’s not a tap dancing foetus or breakdancing geriatric – he’s just pretty nifty on the skins. And he’s going to turn into some approximation of his father one day which is reason enough to snuff his career out right now. He’s like the Nazis in the 30s – appeasement will not work.
Tell you what, though: I bloody loved that ballet dancing dog.
The verdict on Britain’s Got Talent Series 4: If Shandy, the ballet dog does not come on stage at the Royal Variety Performance to "The Bitch Is Back" I consider it an opportunity wasted.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
Imagined: Wednesday, April 28, 2010