The Brit Awards 2010
Why was Peter Kay doing this? He didn’t want to be there, scarcely contained his contempt for the acts, was rarely funny and generally acted like the whole thing was beneath him. A certain amount of irreverent banter is necessary in award ceremonies, particularly those as traditionally daft as The Brit Awards, but it should stop short of base sneering at the proceedings. It didn’t really help an event that was already straining under the weight of sundry stupidities and its own inability to draw attention from the elephant in the room trunkishly bellowing "the past 12 months have not been all that good for pop!" Not that any of these ligging motherfuckers cared.
"A hateful clinical pop song written and conceived so far away from anything resembling a human heart that it may as well have been assembled randomly from broken Scrabble letters dipped in shit"
All eyes were on Cheryl Cole, the beautiful and not noticeably gifted Girls Aloud wailer, whose marriage to public relations challenged Chelsea full-back Cashley Cole is far from canny (what with him publicly cheating on her at an average rate of a girl every 14 seconds) as she professionally high-tailed her way through Fight for This Love.
It was an antiseptic, robotic performance of a hateful clinical pop song that means nothing to anyone of consequence and was written and conceived so far away from anything resembling a human heart that it may as well have been assembled randomly from broken Scrabble letters dipped in shit. Those who say the song is somehow appropriate to her plight must think she’s a cold fish. A cold fish with no feelings at all.1
"She ditched her wedding ring in an act as symbolically significant as when St Elton embraced Eminem to forever cleanse him of the phobia that is homo.Yes, just that empty."
The soon-to-be Miss Tweedy ditched her wedding ring in an act as symbolically significant as when St Elton embraced Eminem to forever cleanse him of the phobia that is homo. Yes, just that empty
Lady Gaga was a beast, of course, and deserved her three awards. Aerial Telly digs this batshit crazy broad, likes the cut of her jib and is impressed how she looks like she beamed down from Planet Pop to save us all. Peter Kay made some snide reference to the long-standing "she’s a man" rumour which summed up the tedious performance he phoned in last night. Not cool.
In other news: Kasabian blew six yards of pipe, Lily Allen was high on life2, Geri Halliwell and Mel B. were a pair of ropey old tarts, Jay-Zed and Alicia Keys brought it so it stayed BRUNGED and Stringer Bell freaked everyone out by being from Hackney.
"Liam Gallagher – a graceless illiterate no-talent fuck who would be shovelling shit out of cuckoo clocks if it wasn’t for his talented older brother."
Oh and Liam Gallagher was an Olympic standard teed. This one trick pony doofus remains a graceless illiterate no-talent fuck who would be shovelling shit out of cuckoo clocks if it wasn’t for his talented older brother making him a multi-millionaire so he naturally left him out of the thank yous before throwing his award INTO THE AUDIENCE and in the resultant scrum, three industry shitheels only capable of thinking and writing in press-release speak lost their lives.
So it wasn’t a totally wasted evening.
The verdict on The Brit Awards 2010: Disjointed.
Marks out of 10: 7
1 If you get this reference you and Aerial Telly will get along just swell
2 Life and 7 gallons of cuntplementary champagne
Imagined: Wednesday, February 17, 2010