aerial telly: the television panopticonYou 'people' make me sick

Over 500 Reviews. Including: Battlestar Galactica, Veronica Mars, Prison Break, Deadwood, The Shield, 30 Rock, 24, The Wire and Lost. Updated Wednesdays and Fridays. You "people" make me sick.

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TV REVIEWS

7 Days on the Breadline

9/11 Faker

10 Years Younger

24: Season 4

24: Season 5

24 Season 5 finale

24: Season 6

24 Season 7

30 Rock

Aerial Telly Awards 2005

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Aerial Comment

"Ah fuck it - the cunt bit me" - a Steve Irwin tribute

Alive: Back To The Andes

Amy Winehouse on Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Amy Winehouse on the Charlotte Church show

Anti-Social Old Buggers

The Apprentice

The Apprentice Series Three Final

The Apprentice Series 3 half-term report

The Apprentice Season 4

The Apprentice Series 4 Finale

The Armstrongs

Arrested Development

Ashes to Ashes

Balderdash And Piffle

Battlestar Galactica Season 3

Battlestar Galactica Season 3 finale

Battlestar Galactica Season 4

Battlestar Galactica Season 4 mid-season finale

Battlestar Galactica Series finale

Battlestar Galactica: Sometimes a Great Notion

Battlestar Galactica - The Plan

Beauty And The Geek

Being Human

Bernard Manning From Beyond the Grave

Bernard Matthews Golden Moments

Big Brother 2005

Big Brother 2006 Launch Night

Big Brother 2007

Big Brother 2007: Get that chickenhead hoodrat out

Big Brother 2008

Big Brother 2008 - It's a Wonderful Life (when you're not in it

Big Brother 2008 - Mario must die

Big Brother 2008: Stuart tapped the compassion vending machine and it toppled over and fell on top of him

Big Brother's Big Mouth

Big Brother, Emily Parr and racism

Big Brother got no gas, Sienna Miller got no ass, Mark Ronson got no class

Big Brother poetry

Big Brother, Shilpa Shetty and racism

Bionic Woman pre-air pilot

Bo! in the USA

Bodies

Bodies series finale

Body Shock: Half Ton Man

Bollocks To Cancer

Bonekickers

The Boys Who Killed Stephen Lawrence

Breaking Bad

Bring Back...Grange Hill

Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Bully Beatdown

Californication

Carnivale

Caprica pilot

Castrating Galactica - why Faceman needs to can it

Catherine Tate Christmas Special

CBeebies website

Celebrity Big Brother

Celebrity Big Brother 2006

Celebrity Big Brother 2007

Celebrity Big Brother 2009

Celebrity Fit Club

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The Charlotte Church Show

China

Christmas television 2006

Christmas TV 2009 - what not to watc

Clever v Stupid

Comic Relief Does The Apprentice

Coming Of Age

Compulsion

The Contender

The Contender Season Two

Criminal Justice

Criminal Justice Season Two

The Cube

Cutting Edge: My Kid's Psychic

Cutting Edge: Pram Face

Damages

The Dark Side Of Porn

The Dark Side Of Porn: Amateur Porn

Dead Ringers

Deadwood

Deadwood - a lament

Deadwood Season 3

Derren Brown: The Heist

Derren Brown's Russian Roulette

Derren Brown - Trick Or Treat

Dexter Season One

Dexter Season Two

Dexter Season 4 Finale

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Dispatches: The Big Heist

Doctor Who

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Drive

EastEnders

Election 2005 coverage

Emily Parr - an apology

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Firefly - The Complete Series

Fix My Fat Head

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Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

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Getting On

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Hidden Lives - Three In A Bed

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How Not To Live Your Life

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I'm All Shook Up: Parkinson's at 25

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here, 2006

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I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here 2009

In This Corner

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Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem

Joss Whedon's Dollhouse will be the greatest television show in history

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Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs

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Morales v Barrera III

My Family

My Name Is Earl

My Penis And I

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Neighbours 20th anniversary show

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Old Enough To Be His Mother

Oscars 2005

Paradox

Party Animals

Peaches Geldof: Teen America

Pete Burns' Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares

The Peter Serafinowicz Show

The Pick-up Artist

The Pickup Artist Season 2 Premiere

Preston's Walk Out on Never Mind The Buzzcocks

Prison Break

Prison Break 2

Prison Break Season Two: half-term report

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Big Brother's Big Mouth

Big Brother's Big Mouth

Channel 4

"Why don't you open the well of madness that is your mind?"  Russell Brand

What the fuck to make of Russell Brand? At first he seemed easily dismissible as a lineal descendant of the Wacky Family Tree of TV Presenters. You could imagine some Deuteronomy style verse in the future recalling "Timmy Mallett who begat Chris Evans who begat Russell Brand and, lo, the world did weep...". Yet now he has transformed himself into a national institution (the type they put your Aunt Doris in when she started eating cat food). Something of a household name, he dresses like a Dickensian supervillain and talks and acts like he's rushing through the matinee performance of Jack and the Beanstalk at the Theatre Royal, Brighton.

"Brand ambles around the studio like Roald Dahl's Big Friendly Giant diving into the midst of the audience, becoming overly tactile, baffling them with bizarre questions and generally being an overbearing smart-arse."

All of which makes Big Brother's Big Mouth really quite gripping viewing. Having dispensed with the more formal Big Brother's E-Fourum format Big Mouth removes the Question Time desk, offers more audience participation and a lot more of Russell. Brand ambles around the studio like Roald Dahl's Big Friendly Giant diving into the midst of the audience, becoming overly tactile, baffling them with bizarre questions and generally being an overbearing smart-arse. And the audience love it. He is often very funny and seems to know where he is every second the camera is on him.

"Vanessa Feltz... never less than willing to rattle off her insane opinions and give full value in her role as batty old witch."

He doesn't miss a trick and will simply not allow any lull in the proceedings. The "celebrity" guests brought in to comment on events in the Big Brother house often have little to say for themselves bar parroting back what the audience have just said and he won't let them off the hook, pummelling them with questions until they earn every penny of their £30 appearance fee. Vanessa Feltz is a notable exception to this, never less than willing to rattle off her insane opinions and give full value in her role as batty old witch.

Like Davina McCall, he is a recovering heroin addict and being one of those hugely self-aware narcissistic types he refers to this plenty in his stand-up and Big Mouth monologues. He also moonlights as a tabloid shag monster having apparently done the nasty with living skeleton Kate Moss and Big Brother inmates Kate, Becki and Makosi. He often references the public perception of him, discussing the "womanising circuit" he belongs to comprising channel swimming nookie king David Walliams and EastEnders love skunks Michael Greco and Dean Gaffney telling increasingly lurid fictional tales of their conquests and rivalry.

"It being ostensibly a public forum we unfortunately have to deal with members of public."

It being ostensibly a public forum we unfortunately have to deal with members of public coming out with stuff like: "I like Glyn - fancying that woman with big knockers and dyeing his hair blond". Doesn't take much to keep you happy, obviously. Although the phone calls to contestants' friends and relatives can throw up the odd gem as in last night's episode when Jennie's mom addressed dismal panellist Gina Yashere "to the lady who said Jennie was up Aisleyne's arse - at least she's small enough to get up there". The practicalities of that manoeuvre notwithstanding, it was pretty damn funny at the time.

"Brand credits his audience with a lot of intelligence and you need to be alert to keep up with the scattergun allusions, asides and mimicry."

Brand credits his audience with a lot of intelligence and you need to be alert to keep up with the scattergun allusions, asides and mimicry he fires from all angles. He has a good ear for the vocal quirks of the BB contestants, notably with a memorable impersonation of Susie "I nearly went A over T and I nearly banged my self on the C, it reminded me of a time when I was with my husband actually, he wanted to put his D into my C and he said 'can I put it into your A?', I said 'you'll be lucky if I swallow your S!'". How she would blush.

When Davina McCall finally has the Big Brother microphone wrested from her cold dead hands I can think of few more interesting choices than Russell Brand as her replacement. Defying description and simple pigeon-holing, the only thing you can definitively say about him is that he's good television - something you haven't been able to say about Davina for some time.

The best thing about it: Call me oddball but I like Rosebud the horse

The worst thing about it: Idiot members of the public being idiots.

The verdict on Big Brother's Big Mouth: More entertaining than the parent show, at the moment.

Marks out of 10: 8





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FILM REVIEWS

28 Weeks Later

2 Days In Paris

American Gangster

Antichrist

Apocalypto

Assault in the Ring

Atonement

The Bank Job

The Bourne Ultimatum

Bruno

Changeling

Clubbed

Control

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Dawn Of The Dead

The Departed

The Descent

Fahrenheit 9/11

Hard Candy

Ils (Them)

In Bruges

Juno

Lars and the Real Girl

Let The Right One In

Lust, Caution

Man on Wire

Notes On A Scandal

Once

Open Water

Pan's Labyrinth

Rocky Balboa

Saw

Super Size Me

Tyson

United 93

WALL-E

When the Levees Broke

The Wrestler

Zodiac

 

AERIAL TELLY'S GUIDE TO BETTING

200,000 undersexed schlubs have the weekend of their lives after following Aerial Telly's betting advice

Aerial Telly ascends to boxing divinity as a piss drenched Marquez howls like a mortally wounded animal at the stars

Aerial Telly's bookie - rest in peace, loser

Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart, cash money in his wallet and your girl on his jock

Aerial Telly pulls boxing from the flames of the 50 storey burning shithouse constructed by Valueless and Haye

Aerial Telly's refusal to take inferior prices on Miguel Cotto means he wins AGAIN

Aerial Telly shows a hell of a lot of class by not celebrating yet another night of betting glory

Aerial Telly wins crushing victory against forces of darkness - bookmaker on suicide watch

All the piss in Mexico City can't stop Juan Manuel Marquez from taking an L from Floyd Mayweather

Amir Khan World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here.

Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance

Big Brother betting. Brian at 1.83 - have you freaks lost your minds?

Cotto v Margarito - Aerial Telly's boundless compassion means he can't get a wedge on at the correct price

Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao is going to beat Richard John Hatton MBE

Joe Calzaghe is going to beat Mikkel Kessler

Joke Calslappy will murder chicken torturing, child support avoiding, dog murderer Roid Jones

Juan Díaz es el Bebé Bull pero Juan Manuel Marquez es El Matador

Juan Diaz wrestles back title of worst bastard in the history of forever from Turdmain Failur

Juan Manuel Marquez murders Juan Diaz to keep Aerial Telly's phenomenal win streak running

Listen up, fuckwads - Floyd Mayweather to beat Oscar De La Hoya on points at anything over 8/11 is the bet of the year

Manny Pacquiao is this generation's Roberto Duran and Aerial Telly is this generation's Ace Rothstein, Giacomo Casanova and George Orwell combined

Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, has killed more Mexicans than the maquiladoras

Manny Pacquiao, the Mexicutioner, Harvester of Souls, is the greatest fighter that ever lived

OK shitcake bakers get this: Manny Pacquiao is the greatest fighter that ever lived but Floyd Mayweather beats him

O'Neill at 4.5? Lay that motherfucker with everything you've got

Paulie Malignaggi is the biggest turd in boxing history and Aerial Telly is a first ballot Hall of Famer whose genius for calling the big fights is unparalleled

The robbery that wasn't, why Malignaggi is a massive toid and why Pig Tits slaps Poorly into an early grave

Ricky Fatton CAN beat Floyd Mayweather. But the value is Ugly Boy Floyd at 1.57

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke.

Turdmain Failure will show Carl Froch that there is more to boxing than the ability to be punched in the face repeatedly without falling over

Turdmain Failure is the worst bastard in the history of forever

Valuev is such a gigantic turd even chinny blowhard ducker David Haye can flush him

When Ricky Hatton beats Paulie Malignaggi like Aerial Telly readers beat their Johnsons, "people" will wonder why the price was 1.48 just days before the massacre

Yes, Aerial Telly puts his money where his miggedy mouth is

You'd have to be a total kiddy fiddler not to back Ricky Hatton against Jose Luis Castillo when Bet Direct are offering 1.62

 

TV REVIEWS (cont'd)

Pushing Daisies series premiere...

Richard and Judy

Rome Season One

Saxondale

The Secret Life of A Manic Depressive

The Secret Policemen's Ball

Seduction School: Size Doesn't Matter

Sex Addict

Seymour Butts

Shameless

Shameless Season 4

Shane

The Shield

The Shield - Season Five Finale

The Shield - Season 6

The Shield series finale

Six Feet Under

Skins

Skins Season 2

Smoking Room

Sons of Anarchy

Sons of Anarchy Season 2 Premiere

The Sopranos Season 6

Space Cadets

The Spy Who Stole My Life

State of the TV Nation Address

Stepkids In Love

Studs of Suburbia

Summer Heights High

Supernanny

Surviving Disaster

Take That... for the Record

Talk to me

Ted Bundy - Natural Porn Killer

Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles

The Thick Of It

The Thick of It Series 3

This Life +10

This World: Kidnap Cops

True Stories - The Trials Of Amanda Knox

Too Ugly For Love

True Blood

True Blood Season 2 Final

TV's Naughtiest Blunders

Unanimous

Underbelly

Veronica Mars

Veronica Mars Season Three Half-term Report

Veronica Mars Season Two

Veronica Mars Season Three Premiere

Veronica Mars Season Three finale

A Very Social Secretary

Weeds

Weeds Season 3

Weeds Season 4

Weeds Season 5 Finale

Weeds Season 5 Premiere

When Fearne Met Peaches

When Lineker Met Maradona

Wimbledon coverage

The Wire Season 3

The Wire, Season 4

The Wire Season 5 Premiere

The Wire Series Finale

World Cup coverage

World's Deadliest Gangs

X Factor 2005

X-Factor 2007

X-Factor 2008

X-Factor 2009

 

 

MISC REVIEWS

40 Pupils Suspended For Bullying

606 with Danny Baker

Amazon Review Scum

Blowjob monologues and the like

Everything is retro, funky and kitsch on eBay nowadays

Floyd Mayweather v Carlos Manuel Baldomir

An Illustrated History of Dis

Fooled By Randomness

Hip-hop

Indie kids - munching on cock all day, every day, from now until forever

Listen up, douchebags: Larry Merchant KO1 murdering rapist hype merchant scum that constitute boxing's deal-making fight-avoiding turd elite

Morales v Barrera III

Music Sounds Better With You(tube)

NME cool list

Playlouder Reviews

Roid Jones jnr? You must be joking, Joke

Stan Collymore

The Streets

Vertigolf

War Winehouse!

We Expose Palace Security As A Bag Of Shite