Aerial Telly did not watch the final series of Big Brother. He’s watched 10 series of that shit and knew exactly what they were up to. He’s had it with Big Brother. He finds it exhausting.1 The sheer volume of information is a struggle for him.2 He sometimes wonders whether his opinions matter.3 But, now, rather like the roundup of the Christmas TV he didn’t watch, he gives the definitive and legacy-defining summary of Big Brother 2010.
“A Fat Girl in an inappropriate outfit entered and told everyone she was like Marmite and the guy on BBLB said something about her leaving a nasty taste in your mouth. The audience laughed.”
Somebody with a Disability went on a personal journey and came to know himself better. A Fat Girl in an inappropriate outfit entered and told everyone she was like Marmite and the guy on BBLB said something about her leaving a nasty taste in your mouth. The audience laughed.
A fake tanned Teed did push-ups in the garden. It was the Fat Girl’s birthday party that night and The Teed said some things that made the Fat Girl cry. He apologised and now she started to see a different side of him. In many ways, he was more real than some other fakes in the house, she confided in Big Brother. Shitbird, an anorexic jizz sponge sat on her lap, agreed, unaware that Fat Girl was talking about her. Teed said he’d also seen a different side of Fat Girl – the Lower East Side. He then made a joke about fucking her in her arm fat. 24,740 people complained to Ofcom (case pending). Teed was evicted two days later with over 100% of the vote. Davina told him he was a “genius housemate”.
“Teed said he’d also seen a different side of Fat Girl – the Lower East side. He then made a joke about fucking her in her arm fat. 24,740 people complained to Ofcom (case pending).”
A towering Thundercunt with a regional accent that became more pronounced as the weeks wore on became betting favourite and the producers set tasks that would inevitably favour her. We heard about her mum, about how she’d battled cancer and how she’s only ever wanted to be proud of her and how winning Big Brother might be a first step upon that path. Thundercunt mispronounced several words and coined several malapropisms. Her English tutor from university appeared on BBLB and said it wasn’t like her. The guy on BBLB asked him if he thought Teed and Fat Girl were going to do it when she got evicted. He didn’t know.
Thundercunt took to talking to herself in stage whispers and Disability wondered if she was playing to the cameras. It got back to Thundercunt who cried for seven hours in the Diary Room. Disability was the one person she thought she could trust in there and now he betrayed her and she just wanted to leave. Big Brother told her to sleep on it. She confronted Disability. He apologised – he said this place made you wonder who your friends are. Thundercunt agreed and they made up. Disability hopes she wins now.
“Davina, carb-starved to distraction, rolled up for the finale dressed in a tiny spangly black dress looking increasingly desperate, aptly reflecting the show’s plight as it tumbled into the abyss.”
Shitbird got a message from home for passing the secret task. It was a video recording of Fuckmonkey who got evicted in the first week in the shock eviction they do every year. He and Shitbird had had a bit of a thing in the house but he wanted to wait and see how things went when she came out. He told her to keep being true to herself and not to listen to the haters. She felt this was good advice and that there were a lot of gameplayers in there this year.
Davina, gurning like some gypsy raver, carb-starved to distraction, looking pinched and drawn like an amphetamine blitzed gym rat, rolled up for the finale dressed in a tiny spangly black dress looking increasingly desperate, aptly reflecting the show’s plight as it tumbled into the abyss.
No one won.
1 Fuck you. Aerial Telly is a beast and fatigue is as foreign concept to him as fidelity is to Billy Cudrup.
2 Fuck you. Aerial Telly has a mind like a steel trap and can process ANY amount of information
3 Fuck you. Aerial Telly is a machine who can’t be stopped and self-doubt is as foreign a concept to him as oral hygiene is to Steve Buscemi.
Imagined: Wednesday, August 25, 2010