Big Brother

Big Brother 2008: Stuart

Published by jamdog on 8th July, 2008.

Big Brother 2008: Stuart review

Careful what you wish for, Stu(pid)

Attention seeking eyeliner-wearing muscle mary roided-to-the-tits mouthbreather Stuart was the focus of last night’s Big Brother. Noteworthy only for looking like an extra from 300 he has bilge for personality but the paranoia brought on by years of steroid abuse finally provided some entertainment. After the world’s worst poet Belinda and a couple of other mopes heard some inconclusive shouts over the fence, word got around that a syllable sounding something like ‘cha’ was discernible. So Stuart naturally assumed that it was the phrase "GET STUART OUT", that the entire outside world hates him and that life wasn’t worth living. If only anyone gave a fuck enough for that to be true.

"Noteworthy only for looking like an extra from 300 he has bilge for personality but the paranoia brought on by years of steroid abuse finally provided some entertainment. "

There followed some spectacularly unconvincing crying for the camera from Stuart , Belinda (bafflingly feeling responsible in some way) was on some Billy Bragg shit like "I am the milkman of human kindness – I will leave an extra pint" and suddenly burst into tears while trying to reassure Chicken Stu. This was the last thing he expected.

"Fat Bex came along and watched in mute incomprehension (well, mute by her standards – the tubby fuck only squealed twice)."

All of a sudden, it was Stu comforting Bellender. A wobbling mass of tear streaked emotion that he had no idea how to deal with (quite apart from not having the inclination). Fat Bex came along and watched in mute incomprehension (well, mute by her standards – the tubby fuck only squealed twice).

Stu stumbled upon a brilliant exit strategy. "I need a shower" he said, even though he’d just stepped out of one.

"The overfed maudlin fuck gave Stuart a clinic in passive aggression he won’t forget. Until he runs out of eyeliner or ‘roids."

Bellender’s incredibly altruistic display of emotion was of course all about her. A way of showing how compassionate, empathetic and generally brilliant she truly is. In attempting to emotionally manipulate the house, Stuart had stepped into the ring with a Zen master of bullshit. The overfed maudlin fuck gave Stuart a clinic in passive aggression he won’t forget. Until he runs out of eyeliner or ‘roids.

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Tags: Categories: British reality TV

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