Bernard Matthews Golden Moments
Certain infamies echo throughout history – 9/11, the My Lai massacre, Javine not getting into Girls Aloud. And as we approach 21 years of the turkey holocaust the humans call Bernard Matthews Golden Drummers, everyone is remembering in their own way. Turkeys are marking the anniversary with candlelit vigils and a two-minute silence. But Bernard Matthews is not one for introspection and self-doubt. Even as Jamie Oliver declares holy war on the twizzler and the pie that is pork, Bernard is celebrating the Drummers’ coming-of-age by inviting us to share our own ‘golden moments’; (little Johnny’s first day at school type memories) in the hope of forging a Pavlovian association between Golden Drummers and the good times.
"Certain infamies echo throughout history – 9/11, the My Lai massacre, Javine not getting into Girls Aloud."
Coincidentally, I already have a Matthews related golden moment. It was the moment in September when two Bernard Matthews workers were convicted of animal cruelty having been secretly filmed playing baseball using turkeys for balls and herding poles for bats (jumpers for goalposts, anyone?). The video makes for distressing viewing. Particularly as it cuts out right at the crucial moment with the bases loaded and two outs in the bottom of the innings – like the 1952 World Series between the Dodgers and the Yankees. But with turkeys.
"The granite-jawed stoicism that brought us through two world wars and six series of My Family extends also to our diet"
As a survey confirms us as obesity kings of Europe, our appetite for unhealthy processed poultry remains undiminished. The granite-jawed stoicism that brought us through two world wars and six series of My Family extends also to our diet – a stubborn commitment to soldier on even as saturated fats and salt content slowly choke the life out of us. It is such heroic self-loathing that defines us. We worship the holy trinity of the nugget, the twizzler and the drummer.
So come, send your golden moments to Bernard. Let a golden shower of memories rain down on campaign headquarters. You may be a sadistic poultry worker hitting Chicken George for a home run or an animal rights activist wearing a wire, filming the fun. We’re all the same with a plate of delicious Golden Drummers in front of us. As Jennifer Lopez said in Gigli: it’s turkey time!