Because you miss it like Peaches Geldof misses the point, because birds suddenly appear every time you are near, because the mythology is not complicated enough already, but most of all because you’re worth it Battlestar Galactica presents The Plan. It’s not entirely original material. The Plan weaves new narrative into the existing Galactica canon. So we have Gaius and Six on Caprica, Boomer plugging the Admiral in the CIC, Ellen and Saul on Picon but now we have what led up to them and what the Cylons were gossiping about in-between philosophising, threesomes and genocide. And who’s the man with The Plan? Well, John Cavil of course.
"And who’s the man with The Plan? Why, John Cavil of course. Of course it’s John Cavil, the number one cylon all over heaven. He’s always been the ideas man; always the elder statesman, philosopher king, the Cylon the humans feared most."
Of course it’s John Cavil, the number one cylon all over heaven. He’s always been the ideas man; always the elder statesman, philosopher king, the Cylon the humans feared most. We see him switching Boomer in and out of sleeper agent mode by handing her elephant figurines. So that’s how she woke up soaking wet in Water. Got to love good retcon.
We’re also treated to a fly on the wall view of the attack on the Colonies helpfully narrated by some primo metaphysical gibberish from the hybrids.
"Accepting scan love outlasts death. Their ships failed. Skittering like skipped stones. Meaningless in the absence of time. What never was is never again"
"…Meaningless in the absence of time what never was is never again…"
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
"The jungles of Scorpia are burning the pastures of Tauron are burning the harbours of Picon are burning the cities of Caprica are burning the oceans of Aquaria are burning the courthouses of Libran are burning the forests of Virgon…”
“‘The oceans of Aquaria are burning the courthouses of Libran are burning the forests of Virgon…’
Yeah, alright love – we get the picture.”
Yeah, alright love – we get the picture. Cylon in the ascendancy, mankind in the microwave. Charred bodies litter the streets – 12 billion give or take. The Cylons are loving it.
But some machines are never happy. Galactica Cavil laments humanity’s survival "We had our foot on the throat of humanity," he tells his brother Cavil, just returned from Caprica "And we failed to step down hard enough!" Caprica Cavil disagrees. He saw Sam love, really love Kara Thrace. You can’t wage war on love. Galactica Cavil knows no love. He’s having hate sex with one of the Sixes who is every bit as mean as he is. She’s his special Galacticunt.
"Cavil’s friendship with the young orphan boy – a bit like As Good As It Gets if Jack Nicholson got his throat cut at the end by Helen Hunt and then Greg Kinnear came in and put his cock in his mouth."
But wait, there’s a touching subplot where Cavil befriends a young human orphan boy. Slowly, he begins to empathise with the young tyke. It’s the first sign that something is stirring in what passes for his soul, a new beginning, a new understanding between – oh wait , he’s stabbed the kid through the heart. Ah well, it was a convincing feelgood relationship for a while – a bit like As Good As It Gets if Jack Nicholson got his throat cut at the end by Helen Hunt and then Greg Kinnear came in and put his cock in his mouth.
So what was The Plan? The same as it ever was: kill all humans; leave no Holocaust survivor standing. Caprica Cavil saw the flaws in this plan and soon others would seek a different path too. The best laid plans of machine and man frak aft aglae. They just had to let their emotions get involved, didn’t they?
The Plan is pretty good but it’s not in the same league as that other back story add-on, the stunning Razor but it was never likely to be. Battlestar Galactica is dead. Here at Aerial Telly, we respect the dead and look forward to the new generation. If the pilot is anything to go by, Caprica will be a beast. January is not that far away.
The best thing about it: The debates between the two Cavils are always special.
The worst thing about it: I never want to see Cavil have sex again.
The verdict on Battlestar Galactica – The Plan: I love it when a plan comes together.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
Imagined: Wednesday, November 04, 2009