When Sci-Fi took onboard their reimagining of the Battlestar Galactica franchise they had a number of options. Camp it up and play it for laughs, create a reference laden nerd fest or make a serious attempt at grown-up drama. Thankfully, they chose the latter along the way making Starbuck a chick, the Cylons look human and Donnie Darko‘s mom the President. So now Cylons have evolved and look just like you or I or any number of attractive Equity members. Yes, that’s right – Cylons are back and they’re hot. Particularly the Amazonian blonde known as Caprica 6 who used the power of cybernetic pussy to nuke the 12 Colonies and slaughter 1 billion humans. Cylon ‘skinjobs’ walk amongst the humans like Soviet sleeper agents. It’s good to see this Cold War reference taking us right back to the Eighties although that’s not usually a good thing despite what some would have you believe.
“They even tear out our old favourite Colonel Tigh’s eye from its socket. He’s grown a beard in captivity which is probably for the best as shaving without depth perception is a bitch.”
Cylons are often referred to as toasters by the humans – a derogatory term which the Cylons find deeply offensive. If the cap fits wear it, toaster boy. But if you’re a human be careful not to say it too loudly as they kind of have us by the balls at the moment.
With the Cylon occupation of Nu Caprica in full effect it’s a good approximation of hell on Nu Earth. Humans are being picked up, detained and tortured with impunity by the Cylon boot boys. They even tear out our old favourite Colonel Tigh’s eye from its socket and show it to him. “It looked like a hard-boiled egg” he recalls. He’s grown a beard in captivity which is probably for the best as shaving without depth perception is a bitch.
“Apparently all those interrogating torturing guys were the liberal wing of Cylon political thought.”
But what Tigh’s lost in ocular capacity he makes up for with grisly determination, leading the insurgents in their guerrilla campaign against the toasters. Suicide bombings in cafe-bars and graduation ceremonies for the Uncle Tom human police force are among the rebels’ activities. This pisses the Cylons right off and they decide to get tough. Blimey. Apparently all those interrogating torturing guys were the liberal wing of Cylon political thought. “Round them up and shoot them” is the decision they reach. You got to respect the classics.
“This is a girl who knows how to keep her marriage vows – right down to the little known Toaster Fucking sub-clause.”
Colonel Tigh only got out of captivity because his wife was shtupping the living shit out of a senior toaster in exchange for his freedom. I hope those people who saw Ellen as the Lady Macbeth of Galactica are now suitably chastised. This is a girl who knows how to keep her marriage vows – right down to the little known Toaster Fucking sub-clause.
“The child’s purpose is to mess with Starbuck’s heid so she’ll start sucking Breville Sandwich Toaster Cylon Man Cock.”
In a scarcely better predicament is Starbuck, living in an enforced marriage to Leoben, a toaster who she keeps killing who responds to this horrific domestic abuse by repeatedly downloading back into a perfect replica of his body (they can do that these days). And although they are not shtupping they have some kind of Stepford child whose purpose appears to be to mess with Starbuck’s heid mon, make her feel all maternal and domesticated so she’ll start sucking Breville Sandwich Toaster Cylon Man Cock. Though for the time being it’s safe to say that Homie Don’t Play That.
“I’d just be quite happy if Hera has five settings, none of which burn my waffles.”
But don’t let that lead you into thinking that Jungle Fever has been wiped from the future. Inter species erotica is alive and well. They look human, and feel human so why the hell not? One product of this unholy union is the Cylon-human hybrid baby Hera born of the Cylon Sharon and human Helo. Hera is being raised in secret, away from Cylon eyes and the human hierarchy are amazed at her potential – I’d just be quite happy if she has five settings, none of which burn my waffles.
“All the main characters are trapped – and not just because they’re being chased across space by sociopath fascist robots that they created.”
Sci-Fi are keen to make this a brooding, philosophical update of the Battlestar Galactica story and it’s a very absorbing watch. There’s a gloomy claustrophobic feel on-board Galactica and all the main characters are trapped by their circumstances – and not just because they’re being chased across space by sociopath fascist robots that they created. The show likes pondering upon the moral ambiguities of the human condition. Commander Adama notes that in the rush to escape extinction humanity never really asked itself if it deserved to survive. The notion that the cosmos would be better off without humans is a recurring theme.
“At its heart, the Battlestar Galactica myth is Frankenstein – man tormented by a monster of his own creation.”
At its heart, the Battlestar Galactica myth is Frankenstein – man tormented by a monster of his own creation. Cylons act like the neglected, abused children they are. Humans look at Cylons and see their own reflection and they hate them for it. It’s as dysfunctional a relationship as you’ll find on TV and it’s providing a rich vein of character pieces and war stories showing that intelligent sci-fi is not an oxymoron.
The best thing about it: Caprica 6. She’s a toasting hot Pop Tart , blood.
The worst thing about it: Currently, the complete absence of hope
The verdict on Battlestar Galactica Season 3 : Impressive weird sci-fi v