Lovely, lovely Victoria Coren. Aerial Telly has always had a thing for posh girls and they've always had a thing for him. You'd best believe it, buddy. When uptown tail gets branded by Aerial Telly, she's struck for life. It's an opposites attract thing - like MC Skat Kat and Paula Abdul. They're posh as fook, I'm common as mook.

"What a lovely squashy thing she is. Driving around the country in her pink duffle coat asking important questions and looking for earlier usages."

So it's not surprising that Victoria is an avowed fan of Aerial Telly. She can't get enough of me. What a lovely squashy thing she is. Driving around the country in her pink duffle coat asking important questions and looking for earlier usages. There's nothing not to love about her knowing lopsided smile and unknowing asymmetrical hips.

So I'm hereby exonerating her of all blame for the witless turd joust, Balderdash And Piffle - a year long drive into inanity finding the origin of the nations' favourite words.

"There is a particular kind of word smugness peculiar to the English which is unbearable."

I always hated TV programmes to do with words. Call My Bluff, Countdown - all utterly insufferable. There is a particular kind of word smugness peculiar to the English which is unbearable.

The exponents of this turdcraft are the likes of Richard Stilgoe, Gyles Brandreth, Ned Sherrin - the sub-human filth of the Earth in other words.

Word turdcraft involves variations on the following

Witty puns like "does Richard Stilgoe to the opera?"

Spoonerisms like "Richard Stilgoe is a cucking funt"

Palindromes - phrases that read the same forwards as they do backwards. Everyday phrases like "Richard Stilgoe is a fucking cunt cunt fucking a is Stilgoe Richard"

Aphorisms "to which Churchill replied... 'you're a cunt, Stilgoe'"

Witlessly changing the words around in sentences to alter the meaning of said sentence.

"Would you say that was impressively unique?"
"Actually, dear boy, I'd say it was uniquely impressive!"
"Ha ha ha! Marvellous!"
"By the way, that Richard Stilgoe is a cunting fuck, isn't he?"

You get the picture.This is these people's favourite show. An exposition in pornographic detail of the origin of words. Like anybody gives a figgy pudding.

"It's a cold, soulless fetishising of words with no regard for their beauty or power. It's a nasty, slimy cleverness that goes down like a cup of cold vomit."

This particular form of word weaseling has been a national pastime for as long as anyone can remember. While it's easy to target text speak and public-relations spin for destroying the English language I believe this brutal mutilation is just as toxic.

It's a cold, soulless fetishising of words with no regard for their beauty or power . It's a nasty, slimy cleverness that goes down like a cup of cold vomit.

It's for the kind of people who think the solving of cryptic clues is the ultimate intellectual endeavour and for whom membership of Mensa is a badge of honour rather than a grubby little secret, belonging to a support group for an underachieving bunch of wankers who like doing puzzles.

"Germaine Greer investigates the word cunt and traces its origins back to Richard Stilgoe's birth certificate."

Balderdash has celebrity guests wander around the country looking for the origin of their particular word of interest. Anna from This Life traces the origins of 99 (in the ice-cream sense) when the phrase "character who started off as witty and relevant then increasingly became a lazy caricature of a cocaine snorting tart whose supposedly hilarious one-liners consisted of referring to every man she met as 'a tosserrrrr'" seemed more appropriate.

Germaine Greer investigates the word cunt and traces its origins back to Richard Stilgoe's birth certificate. Possibly. I haven't actually watched the programme yet so I don't know.

In fact, there's so much I don't know. But here's what I do know. Victoria Coren is a lovely poker-playing, bongo film-making, word vixen and Richard Stilgoe is a cunt. All else dissolves into insignificance once you take on board those profound truths.

The best thing about it: Lovely, lovely Victoria.

The worst thing about it: Panel of three word turds passing judgment on the work of lovely, lovely Victoria.

The verdict on Balderdash And Piffle : Soulless word wank

Marks out of 10: 3

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