Aerial Telly Awards 2009
I like to walk in the summer breeze, down Dalling Road by a dead old tree
There isn’t a single human being breathing whose word carries more weight than Aerial Telly. Those TV motherfuckers hang on his every word like a chump chained to a nuke in a made-for-TV movie listens to a bomb disposal expert. Think they give a damn about an Emmy? They’d push their kids in front of a Tube train to get even the most cursory of acknowledgements from the television panopticon. So in the industry, the Aerial Telly awards are the most eagerly anticipated and feared event in the calendar and now the time has arrived. You might want to take something. This could get ugly.
Best show: Battlestar Galactica
30 Rock still rocks, Mad Men‘s still crazy and Dexter‘s still killing it but 2009 saw a gutsy and moving end to Battlestar Galactica, the arthouse reimagining of a 70s curio that shocked and awed its way through four brilliant seasons of melodrama, genocide, theology and war stories culminating in a breathless finale that stayed true to the show’s quirky, dark, captivating vision. Caprica gets the Galactica saga up and running again in January. The pilot was illing. No way on earth will it not rock.
Worst show: Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show.
Michael McIntyre blew harder than Katrina, Paradox was dumber than Live from Studio Five, but neither came close to the comedy holocaust that was Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show. Snide, fuckwitted and life-threateningly unfunny it demonstrated the depressing truth that many comics are quite happy to use a celebrity’s name instead of a punchline. Shamelessly derivative, it was a show as contemptuous of its audience as any in living memory. No-talent, zero-integrity Twitter groupie cunt TV critics who sucked up to this should contemplate suicide.
Best performance by a male: Ricky Grover as Matron Hilary Loftus in Getting On.
Although scripted by its three female stars, the meatiest performance in the terrific Getting Onwas put in by seasoned salad dodger Ricky Grover as Matron Hilary Loftus, the passive aggressive by-the-book greasy pole climber who proved that no amount of training courses can get past a fundamental stupidity, addiction to procedure and pathological lack of empathy. If there was an award for counterintuitive casting, this would walk it.
Best performance by a female: Katey Sagal as Gemma Teller Morrow in Sons of Anarchy
Sons of Anarchy is Hamlet and Gemma Teller Morrow is Gertrude – Clay Morrow‘s old lady and Charming’s unimpeachable bitch queen. But after her gang rape by white supremacists in the season two premiere we see her vulnerable and broken for the first time. She walks through the fire, though, and shows the phenomenal steel required of a biker gang matriarch. Sagal was note perfect all season, nursing her secret like a mortal wound until the devastating revelation in the run-up to the finale. A regal performance.
Best writer not called Aerial Telly: Marina Hyde
A new award created to scotch the popular and understandable misconception that Aerial Telly is the only writer worth reading. Just because you’re the best it doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge the second-best priest and Marina Hyde‘s brilliant, funny and dazzling columns on sport, politics and showbiz were the other good reason for reading the Guardian in 2009. Her gracious dealing with worthless Guardian comment scum confirmed her as a beast who will not be tamed, served or duplicated. BEAST, you hear me?
Best Aerial Telly betting tip: Mayweather on points at 2.14
It was another astounding betting year for Aerial Telly. One by one bookmakers fell at the feet of his towering handicapping prowess. He’s a beast who just keeps coming. Many thought Mayweather would try and make a point and knock Marquez out but Aerial Telly brought to bear his magnificent knowledge of the sport of boxing, his unique insight into human nature, psychology and metaphysics and correctly predicted that Mayweather would safety first his way to a wide decision. Extraordinary.
TV pie of the year: Courtney Ford in Dexter
"Pum-pum come, pum-pum go but Jesus Christ remains" said Lee "Scratch" Perry and this was never more true than in 2009 when a ribald selection of pie passed across our screens.
Michelle Forbes was alarming as the loopy maenad MaryAnn Forrester in True Blood, Maggie Siff foxed her way through Sons of Anarchy and Summer Glau from Terminator – The Sarah Connor Chronicles can never be counted out of any pie contest. It would be criminally remiss of Aerial Telly not to mention Cylon pie Tricia Helfer and Grace Park slutting it up on Battlestar Galactica. But it was Courtney Ford‘s turn as Christine Hill the pushy nutjob reporter on Dexter who got the nod for this most coveted of awards. This elfin strumpet found her way into Detective Quinn’s bed and into our hearts as the Little Reporter Who Could (be a dangerous psychopath).
So there you have it. If you weren’t mentioned during these awards it means that you SUCK. Aerial Telly sees all time in an instant and was far from impressed with your contribution. Another year draws to a close and another decade expires. The noughties were very much the decade of Aerial Telly. They were the decade of fearlessly saying the unsayable, having the balls to put your money where your mouth is in the gambling markets, untold pum-pum, critical acclaim and monstrous success. You can’t second-guess, imitate or tangle with him. Your only hope is that by learning some of the fabulous lessons he offers you may become slightly less of a worthless turd. This is his gift to you.
Happy Christmas, shitbirds.
Imagined: Friday, December 11, 2009