Aerial Telly Awards 2008
And the winner is… television
It’s 2008 and television is stronger than ever. The corollary of this is that Aerial "Money" Telly, television in corporeal form, begotten not made of one being with the telly, also came back stronger than ever. And here he is once again with his annual awards to make and break the careers of those working in the industry. Fools tried to cause trouble for Aerial Telly but it’s an eternal truth that punks jump up to get beat down. All they did was further highlight his genius, tenacity and adaptability. You can’t test him, serve him or duplicate him. Motherfucker, what?
Best show: The Inbetweeners.
E4’s sixth form comedy The Inbetweeners was little watched but loved to tiny pieces by those who did. The brilliant evocation of schoolyard humour and the pinpoint observation of shit friends, lame parties and bad sex that make up adolescent life were a joy to behold and Aerial Telly’s strong endorsement of this ensured it got a second season which will be required viewing for all you douchebags.
Worst show: Bonekickers.
In 350 odd reviews only one show had received 0 out of 10 from Aerial Telly and that involved that turd Rory Bremner. Bonekickers became the second show to enter this particular hall of shame and man did it ever earn it? From its unshakeable and utterly unwarranted belief in its own relevance to its hateful characters, scenery chewing performances, cocksmoking dialogue, fundamentally retarded premise and cloying liberal self-hate it was an abortion of a show and anyone who tells you otherwise needs murdering, decapitating and their head stuck on a spike on Traitor’s Gate.
Best performance by a male: Bryan Cranston as Walt White in Breaking Bad.
When you help redefine situation comedy with the greatest family sitcom ever you may feel your work on Earth is done. But not Bryan Cranston who put in a career-best performance as terminally ill chemistry teacher Walt White entering the drug trade in the brilliant Breaking Bad. Aerial Telly interviewed Bryan Cranston earlier this week so expect that to hit the shelves in 10 days time and further bolster the show’s burgeoning reputation.
Best performance by a female: Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in Damages.
There she goes again – playing a maniac. But Glenn Close is no fool and, rather like when she turned up on season four of The Shield, she knew she was backed by terrific writing on Damagesto augment her singularly intense performance as the sociopath lawyer Patty Hewes who, I should remind you, does not play.
TV pie of the year: Christina Hendricks
Steph Song in jPod gave Aerial Telly chills that were multiplying. Mary Louise Pierker had him a blast in Weeds. But ultimately Christina Hendricks in Mad Men was the one that he wanted. Aerial Telly may have mentioned his feelings towards Hendricks in passing in the Mad Men review. As one of the characters in season two says "she is just so much woman". No fucking arguments there, chief
Tv Event Of The Year: The Wire Series Finale.
The gut wrenching climax to this phenomenal show was pulled off masterfully. The cycle of violence, retribution and incarceration continued unabated. Heroes died, villains prospered and, in a couple of cases, people made the right decision to get the fuck out of the game. It was sad to see it go but TV is forever changed by this extraordinary project.
Best Aerial Telly betting tip: Amir Khan to not be World Champion
Once again the were so many to choose from but tipping up
Amir Khan to not be World Champion by the end of the year was exactly the kind of devastating long-term thinking and acute value spotting that made Aerial Telly’s name and fortune.
Yes, it’s been another hugely successful year in love, writing and betting for the walking embodiment of television. Snitch bitches running whining to the newspapers can’t affect a value driven individual like he. His reality is just too strong. His words are ferocious. His style is impetuous. His defence is impregnable. He’s Jack Dempsey, he’s Sonny Liston, he’s Marvin Hagler. There’s never been anyone like him. He will not be denied.
See you next year, suckers. Regardless of war, famine or apocalypse Aerial Telly will just keep on coming. Count on it.
Imagined: 18th September 2008