Okay you disgusting slut bags. You want an Apprentice review? Motherfucker, I'm AWN the motherfucker. You wouldn't believe how busy Aerial Telly is these days. One of the reasons Aerial Telly gets more pum-pum than Beanie Man at a booty shaking contest is because his time is so very precious. He's constantly got his fingers in many pies at once and that applies to his work, his love life, his social life and his personal contribution to society. So scarcity makes the incredibly valuable Mr Telly even more valuable. But don't none of y'all worry. Aerial Telly will always be there for you. This is not a game for him. He's in this for life. Believe that. Aight den, drop that beat one time.

"Raef may have the haircut and general demeanour of a 1930s German Nazi but don't let that fool you. He's much more offensive than that."

The Apprentice is consistently excellent because it has a good format which it sticks to, has smart innovative tasks and manages to structure the show dynamic so that conflict arises naturally in the interaction between the characters, aggravated by the pressure of the tasks. As they promise every year this series is bigger than better than the one before. Can the contestants live down to the standards set by the shitheads of previous years? Let's see.

"Chinny has a marketing degree from De Montford University, Leicester and they don't hand those out like confetti. Confetti has a use, after all."

Raef Bjayou - cognac drinking import-export bore Raef may have the haircut and general demeanour of a 1930s German Nazi but don't let that fool you. He's much more offensive than that. He is a life member of the Exeter University debating society and we all know how much fun those guys are, right gang?

Jenny Celerier - redhead chin beast, the single mother former social worker's main claim to fame is contracting meningitis and confounding doctors who said she would one day shut the fuck up about it . Chinny has a marketing degree from De Montford University, Leicester and they don't hand those out like confetti. Confetti has a use, after all.

"Nicholas actually isn't that big of a twat, disappointingly. He'll need to work on that if he ever wants to be fully accepted as a member of the upper class"

Nicholas de Lacy-Brown - soul patch sporting barrister who excels academically. Although he looks and acts like a toff, his origins are humble. "My father fought the hurdles of his working class upbringing to provide me with privileged education and luxury". Shouldn't you be jumping hurdles? Fighting them seems the height of folly. Never mind. Nicholas actually isn't that big of a twat, disappointingly. He'll need to work on that if he ever wants to be fully accepted as a member of the upper class.

"Loud, pretty, Asian and useless, international car trader Sara is a bargain bucket Ghazal -- last year's Afghan hound looking Scottish piece of pie. "

Sara Dhada - loud, pretty, Asian and useless, international car trader Sara is a bargain bucket Ghazal - last year's Afghan hound looking Scottish piece of pie. Destined for a humiliating mid-season exit is my guess.

Lucinda Ledgerwood - risk manager Lucinda is a keen aromatherapist, harpist and scuba diver. She's got way too much hippy in her to impress Sugarlump you feel and those big cow eyes swivelling around are just going to freak everyone out. Has already pissed off the Chin Beast with some nonsense on the phone. Should be entertaining.

"Jennifer's qualifications include an Irish leaving certificate. And by include I mean 'comprise solely of'."

Jennifer Maguire - loudmouth jackeen marketing consultant. Jennifer's qualifications include an Irish leaving certificate. And by include I mean "comprise solely of". You can see they certainly scoured the country to pluck out this little gem.

"To be young, gifted and black - that's where it's at. To be deluded, Brummie and dyslexic on the other hand is where Lindi is at."

Lee McQueen - the Recruitment Sales Manager from Buckinghamshire has already set his stall out with the most meaningless platitude of the series so far. "If you missed something in the earlier part of your life, you'll find it again before your time is up." Really? I missed the Watergate scandal. Are they going to rerun that for me you fucking cunt?

Lindi Mngaza - to be young, gifted and black - that's where it's at. To be deluded, Brummie and dyslexic on the other hand is where Lindi is at. A background in drama and the performing arts suggests she'd like to use this show as a springboard for something other than being Sir Alan's bitch. The nerve.

"Kevin is an ultracompetitive bank manager and his glittering career has in just eight years seen him catapulted from a small branch of Nat West to a slightly larger one."

Kevin Shaw - bearing a striking resemblance to Dafydd, Little Britain's only gay in the village, Kevin is an ultracompetitive bank manager and his glittering career has in just eight years seen him catapulted from a small branch of Nat West to a slightly larger one. Promises to take no prisoners in the boardroom and "nail anyone" who gets in his way. This I have to see.

Simon Smith - the satellite television engineer with a military background seems a nice guy so will doubtless spend his time being backstabbed, fucked over and then nailed in the boardroom by Dafydd. Shares in petroleum jelly have sky rocketed.

"You're a Global Pricing Leader? You were in charge of global pricing for this task as the LEADER and you made a blaady mess"

Michael Sophocles - the Goebbels of the toff faction, classically educated Michael describes himself as unscrupulous in business. This is really stupid because we all know that when it gets to the interview stage when the final four are thrown to Sugarlump's Rottweilers they always give the hardest time to the Gordon Gekko apeing maniacs. The boy needs to get schooled and, trust, he will be.

Helene Speight "people would say I have brass balls" says Helene intriguingly. Her job title is Global Pricing Leader so you just know that at some point in the boardroom. Sugarlump will be saying to her "you're a Global Pricing Leader? You were in charge of global pricing for this task as the LEADER and you made a blaady mess. Do you fink I gonna have dat? Do you really fink I gonna have dat, you ponce?"

"Shazia is a strict Muslim which means she'll be trying to blow up herself and the Hebrew Sugarlump at the earliest opportunity. "

Ian Stringer "There are two kinds of people in the world." says Stringer Bell(end) "Winners and... I don't know how to spell the other word. I can't say it..." I think we could help him out with that. The software sales manager has a steely determination and a side parting that says he means business. When you started your career on the shopfloor at Dixons you don't take any prisoners. Where do they keep finding these chodes?

"Claire is nicknamed the Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants. And because she likes killing and eating children."

Shazia Wahab - on Sugar: "He's gonna think "where's this girl come from? How come I haven't heard of her before?" she forgets to mention "what's this dozy tart doing on this show? Get aht of it you blaady slaaaaag". Shazia is a strict Muslim which means she'll be trying to blow up herself and the Hebrew Sugarlump at the earliest opportunity. Such is my understanding.

Alex Wotherspoon - the regional sales manager has already rubbed up the toffs the wrong way. He reminds me a bit of Adam the crushing Yorkshirebore from last year. Should be good for a few arguments at least.

Claire Young - Claire is nicknamed the Rottweiler because of her ability to go after whatever she wants. And because she likes killing and eating children. She has something of The Badger in her but with marginally more charm. Seems to have genuine ability and is clearly genuinely fat so expect to see her in the shakeup for the title.

"Everyone seems to blame poor old Nicholas for this. Nicholas makes a good scapegoat - it was his fault after all."

As for the first boys versus girls task Sugarlump gives the two teams a van full of unmarked fish to flog, the biggest profit-makers winning the day. Boys' team leader Alex uses other fishmongers' prices as a guide to undercut the competition but Nicholas, in charge of pricing, makes an unfortunate pounds/kilos misunderstanding leading to prime lobster being sold at a ridiculously low price. Everyone seems to blame poor old Nicholas for this. Nicholas makes a good scapegoat - it was his fault after all

"While Sugarlump kindly airs all three of them with an extra arsehole, the inevitable happens and Nicolas gets the boot"

When the girls are in trouble, Claire uses a good piece of initiative and takes some of the projects to an upmarket area. This girl has good signs on her. When the toff faction of the boys go to a solicitor's office with £130 worth of seafood and sell it for £50 you know the writing is on the wall. The boys lose, Alex takes Nicholas and Raef into the boardroom and while Sugarlump kindly airs all three of them with an extra arsehole, the inevitable happens and Nicolas gets the boot. I thought he had potential but as is often the case on elimination shows only the blandest will survive.

Still, it was a strong start to the series. Divisions formed instantly with people breaking into cliques and factions like they were student socialists. I can barely wait for the saga to unfold.

The best thing about it: Sugarlump's boardroom beatdowns

The worst thing about it: The good die young

The verdict on The Apprentice Season Four: You'll lav it. You slaaags.

Marks out of 10: 8

Imagined: 1st April 2008