Comic Relief has a proud tradition of taking strong formats and turning them into shit – it seems to take a perverse pride in doing so. Taking on The Apprentice for Comic Relief Does The Apprentice appeared to be a bridge too far for them as it was actually pretty good. The Apprentice is all about unlikely pairings and alliances and the producers certainly put together a varied bunch of celebs. With these things it’s always a case of “who’s free?” rather than “who’s any good?” so it may have been the last 10 celebrities on the shortlist who weren’t avoiding their calls. No matter. The dirtbag roll-call was as follows:
“Rupert Everett rent-boy, novelist, actor and more importantly shagger of Peaches’ mom.”
Alastair Campbell – New Labour communications Rottweiler and sometime depressive.
Rupert Everett rent-boy, novelist, actor and more importantly shagger of Peaches’ mom.
Piers Morgan – boot faced Fleet Street plankton and celeb baiter, unpopular with just about everyone.
“Ross Kemp – renowned thespian no-trick pony and battered husband.”
Ross Kemp – renowned thespian no-trick pony and battered husband.
Danny Baker – flawed genius writer and broadcaster, probably best remembered for the Daz doorstep challenge.
Cheryl Cole – convicted violent criminal. Howay man, how can I be racist when I married a coloured, like? Pretty, glitzy and utterly useless cocksucker.
Trinny Woodall – über-posh harridan and tormentor of women who are no longer sexually attractive.
Jo Brand – gigantic face apocalypse and rarely funny stand-up comic.
Karren Brady – dirty bluenose pornographer and moose fucker.
“Brady was exposed as the dirty bluenose pornographer she is by totally fucking up the negotiations and giving the boys three rides in exchange for one. What a clueless fucknut.”
Maureen Lipman – one-time famous comic actress and BT apologist
The task was for each team to run a funfair attraction competing against the other in the same venue. Karren Brady and Alastair Campbell were quickly appointed team captains and Brady was exposed as the dirty bluenose pornographer she is by totally fucking up the negotiations and giving the boys three rides in exchange for one. What a clueless fucknut.
“Everett insisted that he hated being in front of a camera. Not unreasonably, Morgan pointed out ‘But you’re an actor’.”
But things were not going the boy’s way early on. Rupert Everett appeared to be having some kind of mid-life crisis 60 minutes into the project. As Morgan and Campbell badgered him to ring up his Hollywood chums to lend a hand, Everett insisted that he had only “virtual relationships” with his stellar phone book contacts and furthermore that he hated being “in front of a camera”. Not unreasonably, Morgan pointed out “But you’re an actor”. Everett responded “You need dialogue to be an actor”. It was slowly dawning on the boys that they had been saddled with a full-blown mental. Unwilling to share any of his contacts he quietly disappeared out of the show. Thanks Rupert! Way to enter into the spirit of things. He was replaced by inaugural apprentice champion Tim Campbell who sat behind a desk and stapled things together like a pro.
“A £150,000 donation is great, of course, but I didn’t tune in for Rich Bastards Give Stuff Away.”
The girls, meanwhile, were bypassing all that tricky “business” stuff by ringing up their obscenely rich friends and getting them to donate obscene sums. Trinny Woodall doorstepped a blonde gallery owner asking for £100,000. “Have £150,000” came the response, with a flick of the chequebook. This is great, of course, but I didn’t tune in for Rich Bastards Give Stuff Away. Cheryl Cole was soon on the phone to husband Cashley Cole hitting him up for £25,000. To put that in perspective – he earns that in about 45 seconds.
“Cheryl was soon on the phone to husband Cashley Cole hitting him up for £25,000. To put that in perspective – he earns that in about 45 seconds.”
Piers Moron sought to do something similar, ringing Goldman’s and proposing that “if you had 20 of the top-earning bankers putting 50 grand in – that’s a million pounds”. The girl at Goldman’s said she’d get back to him. “If they can’t help I’ll look a total imbecile” said Piers. They phoned back later telling Moron to fuck himself, throwing a one-off payment of £50,000 in the gutter in five-pound notes he had to scramble around for like a vagrant or, I don’t know, imbecile?
On the night, the competing fairgrounds attracted such celebrities as Girls Aloud, Cashley Stole, Mick Fucknall and Chris Evans. The girls attracted fuck all business on the rides and the boys did seem to sell more stuff on the food stalls. But the girls had richer mates so they comfortably won. The dirty bluenose pornographer made a big fuck up of everything and it was absolutely not down to her that anything went right. They’d have been fucked without Trinny Woodall and her filthy rich pals.
“They phoned back later telling Moron to fuck himself, throwing a one-off payment of £50,000 in the gutter in five-pound notes he had to scramble around for like a vagrant.”
Still, what the hell? It was good fun and raised over £1 million for Comic Relief. At present there’s a 60:40 split between African and British causes. I don’t know about you, but I’m hella African and I haven’t seen a penny of it. Fuckers.
The best thing about it: Seeing Piers Moron humiliated
The worst thing about it: Dirty filthy bluenose pornographer
The verdict on Comic Relief Does The Apprentice: A pleasant enough diversion.
Marks out of 10: 7