It’s an ill wind that blows no good and Sarah is using her missing/dead daughter as an excuse to engage in reckless casual sex. She first of all heartlessly sticks it to Ben and then hooks up with some other dude called Mark (Ronan Leahy). A heartbroken Ben throws himself into the world of online gaming in the hope of finding his daughter’s killer like he’s Daniel Graystone on Caprica. He eavesdrops on an online conversation between Amber’s gaming contacts in Nerissa’s bar. He pops in and discovers Amber’s friend Jenny slutting it up with some old twat. “This is the place for me!” says Daniel high-fiving the old twat and slapping Jenny on the arse. Ill wind indeed.
But before he can make moves on some pissed teen he has a chat with Manga Boy. Mungbeans assures him Amber would never go to places like Nerissa’s – mainly because she
had already sucked every 45-year-old cock in there looked too young. The place does have that One-Eyed Jacks feel to it though. No doubt we’ll be returning here periodically, if only for the young trim.
And on that note Ben makes his first sensible decision since Amber went missing and starts to blow the charity fund on high-class hookers. Jolanta (Mirjana Rendulic) is his first conquest – a non-Russian Russian escort who indulges his very niche kink of asking questions about the disappearance of his daughter. It’s a fucking expensive hobby right enough but bitch gotta make rent.
Ben makes his first sensible decision since Amber went missing and starts to blow the charity fund on high-class hookers.
He also spree searches for teen sluts on Poogle and few would deny him the opportunity for some porno downtime. He tells the coppers he’s going to be “posing” as a paedophile on-line poring over child abuse material with the other paedos. I see literally nothing going wrong with that.
Oh wait, when Sarah finds out about his new hobby she applies for sole custody of Eamon. She has the moral authority of a woman pregnant through her new borefriend, a man so dull he makes Ben seem edgy. I suppose on the face of it the father of a missing teen trading child abuse material could be seen as problematic when placed in front of a judge. His scheme pays off though when Amber’s voice can apparently be heard in another room on one of the tapes, geotagged in the Ukraine. The good news is that a bunch of girls who were being sex trafficked get released. The bad news is that Amber is not one of them.
And so we reach Day 520 pretty much where we started. Ben stalks some old dude who had a three second conversation with Amber on the beach two years ago. We watch on day one as Amber strolls down a cuntry lane. She disappears from view. The show is over and we don’t find out a fucking thing. ITSH A MYSHTERY.
I dunno, man. I suppose I’m somewhat OK with that. Most kids missing for 520 days don’t just turn up they just… nothing. Apparently she’s in the Black Lodge with Laura Palmer, Dale Cooper and all that other brethren. Fans of the show got a real sprained vag over it. You deny a TV fuck closure at your peril.
The verdict: Goodbye, sweet Amber. You will be missed – certainly by the patrons of Nerissa’s.
Marks out of 10: 8