SPOILERS up to episode 4
When you have spent two years being tortured by the Chinese and not divulged one single solitary secret you’re entitled to expect some kind of reward upon your release. Maybe Heat Magazine‘s Have-a-go Hero Of The Year award or at very least a minor promotion. No such luck for Jack Bauer who comes out blinking into the American sun, held together only by scar tissue, replete with crazyman beard, to the news that he’s being used as a human sacrifice to help end the wave of terrorist attacks popping off all over America. He doesn’t even have time for a discreet Sherman before his buddies are driving him to his certain death at hands of Abu Fayed, a terrorist who wants to torture him to death in exactly the same manner as Jack tortured his brother to death. It was a while ago – there was this disagreement over him talking or not talking, words were exchanged, some fingers were clipped off with pruning shears – you know how these petty disagreements escalate.
“Jack tortured his brother to death. It was a while ago – there was this disagreement over him talking or not talking, words were exchanged, some fingers were clipped off.”
Of course, Jack’s certain death is not the type of thing that will hold him back. This is 24, after all. And once he’s found a spot on his body that the Chinese have left free Fayed is torturing Jack like it’s 1999. Fayed has promised the American President (now Wayne Palmer, the black Bobby Kennedy) to reveal the whereabouts of Hamri Al-Assad, the man behind the terrorist attacks in exchange for $25 million and Jack Bauer’s ass on a platter. But in true supervillain monologue style he tells Jack that it is HE who is behind the terrorist attacks and Al-Assad who is trying to stop them, bring the organisation to the table and talk about peace, man. That is so sneaky. If there’s one thing 24 has taught me it’s that you just can’t trust mass murderers.
“That is so sneaky. If there’s one thing 24 has taught me it’s that you just can’t trust mass murderers.”
Anyway, over a backdrop of civil unrest and slaughter of innocent civilians Jack escapes his torturers, locates Al-Assad and the pair work together to stop the detonation of a series of suitcase nukes – one megaton nuclear devices that can be carried by one man, manufactured by the Soviets. Personally, I wouldn’t trust anything manufactured by Russkies. I’ve heard Sony Ericsson are working on a far superior model though I’m not getting one unless it’s Bluetooth enabled – it’s those little extras that make it work for me.
“I’ve heard Sony Ericsson are working on a far superior suitcase nuke though I’m not getting one unless it’s Bluetooth enabled – it’s those little extras that make it work for me.”
Bizarrely, The Biscuit from Ally McBeal turns up as a hawkish advisor to President Palmer. We know that hawkish advisers to the President on 24 end up betraying him or locking his crazy wife in a room or leaking shit to the press so I say let’s just kill the Judas goat bastard now – for the final two seasons of Ally McBeal if nothing else. And praise the gods, Chloe is back with her unique brand of potato-faced Asperger’s Syndrome and technical wizardry. She’s back with ex-husband Morris who spends his time busting Milo‘s balls due to Chloe and Milo having dated in the past. I love the idea of two men fighting over Chloe – it’s a big Potato Faced mash-up, guy.
“At any rate, countless Californians will die – but it’s not all good news.”
Episode four ends with one of the nukes being detonated in LA and estimates of casualties runs into the hundreds of thousands. I don’t know though – with that shoddy Communist workmanship I think that’s optimistic. At any rate, countless Californians will die – but it’s not all good news. The radiation cloud will spread and it don’t care who it fucks up. When you can’t stop vomiting and your eyes are bleeding you’re either suffering from radiation sickness or watching Catherine Tate.
“When you can’t stop vomiting and your eyes are bleeding you’re either suffering from radiation sickness or watching Catherine Tate.”
Six seasons in, 24 is still an exciting bumper car of a ride but you can’t help having some misgivings. President Palmer’s constant caving in to terrorist demands makes no sense and is totally out of character with his actions in previous seasons. Still, what do we care? It’s 24. And now that we have finally seen a nuclear device detonated in an urban area on US soil after so many near misses we finally have our very own American Apocalypse. Now. But Jack Bauer is not the kind of man to let the end of the world stop him saving the world. Bank on him leading an army of radioactive cockroaches through the nuclear winter – I will be.
The best thing about it: The nuke going off was awfully purty.
The worst thing about it: Stupid decisions from stupid President Palmer
The verdict on 24 Season 6: 23+1
Marks out of 10: 8